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Avery’s bottom lip trembled as he spoke the last words. He looked so fucking lost. Just as lost as Ethan himself had felt for the past three years without Matty. His Matty. The cruel coincidence of their mutual loss reflected in that one name left Ethan’s skin crawling. Only a slight difference in spelling distinguishing one loss from the other. One more permanent than the other, perhaps. At least, he hoped so.
Ethan scooted closer and clasped Avery’s shaking fingers, still fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. One by one, he pried Avery’s fingers from the soft cotton. Tangling the fingers of his right hand through Avery’s, stilling them, he brushed the thumb of his other hand along Avery’s swollen bottom lip.
“I’m so sorry,” Ethan whispered. Leaning in, he searched Avery’s eyes for silent permission. Finding what he was looking for, he removed his thumb from Avery’s bottom lip and placed his hand at the back of his slender neck instead. Weaving his fingers through the still damp curls, Ethan licked his lips before placing them against Avery’s chin. “I’m so sorry,” Ethan repeated, his voice muffled against Avery’s velvety skin. “I’m so...”
The finalsorrywas swallowed up by the softness of Avery’s lips and the neediness of his tongue. Ethan’s mind went blank and suddenly there was only the damp ground beneath him, the starlit sky above him and the all-consuming feeling of Avery all around him. If he’d thought for just one moment that Avery’s spicy scent was intoxicating, then the taste of his lips and his tongue was even more addicting. It was like diving into a cave from which he never wanted to emerge. It was the sum of all his erotic teenage fantasies and adolescent wet dreams. It was too much and still not enough. It was thousands of tiny butterflies taking off in his stomach and making their way into every limb of his body. Chasing Avery’s teasing tongue with his own, he tried to contain his elation, but his body kept chasing an even higher level of bliss. One word had gone on repeat like a broken record in Ethan’s mind, while his heart pounded away to the same rhythm.More. More. More.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Ethan – Then
“WHAT WAS ITlike?” Matty could hardly contain his excitement, nearly jumping up and down on the spot in front of Ethan. They were hanging out under the bleachers, sharing a lukewarm Mountain Dew. It was 104 degrees today and their damp t-shirts clung to their lean teenage bodies like a second skin. The heatwave was supposed to last at least into the middle of next week. Even for West Texas, it was hot.
“I don’t know,” Ethan mumbled, cheeks flushed, the pink sliding down his neck and disappearing behind the neckline of his sweaty, olive-green t-shirt, the green making his eyes pop.
“Aww, c’mon man, you’ve gotta give me more than that!” Matty pushed at Ethan’s shoulder, pouting. “At least tell me if it was better than kissing Michelle Greyson. Or what’s-her-name? You know, with the big…” Matty held his hands against his own flat chest, mimicking a pair of bouncing medium-sized breasts. “You know, cantaloupe size?” A goofy grin spread across Matty’s flushed face while he wiggled his dark-blond eyebrows suggestively at Ethan.
“Tanya Pierce?” Ethan replied, an impatient frown on his forehead. Why were they talking about this?
“Yeah, exactly, man. Tanya Pierce. Those tits, man… I tell ya…” Matty adjusted himself, a dopy, dreamy look covering his face.
“Jesus, man, knock it off.” Ethan nodded at Matty’s semi, laughing at his friend’s one-track mind. Matty had sex on his mind. Like most teen boys, he was completely in the grasp of his hormones, obsessed with the opposite sex. With his skinny body, unruly hair, and big blue eyes Matty, on the other hand, was not the object of desire for the girls their age. Teen girls didn’t hold their breath when Matty walked down the hallways of Eden High School. They didn’t push out their chests or flip their hair enticingly to catch his attention. No, they had their lust-filled eyes fixated on Ethan who in return had his gaze planted firmly on any piece of juicy jock ass in sight.
But Matty was a whole lotta talk and very little action to back it up. The thing was that Matty was a truly great guy. More sensitive than most of his peers. If it weren’t for Ethan, he would probably have been bullied even more than he already was. But somehow Ethan’s popularity acted as a buffer against the depravity and meanness of their classmates. Matty never partook in the other boys’ preferred group activity: cat calling the girls in their year, who’d become women overnight, while simultaneously grabbing their junk like they were cool fucking cowboys or some shit like that. Ethan hated that kind of behavior. So did Matty. He could pretend to be a tough-as-shit guy when he was shooting the shit with Ethan, but inside Matty was all heart. Unfortunately. Because that made him an easy prey—at school and at home.
“It was way better than kissing a girl, man. Waaay better.” Ethan dragged out the last part while he rolled his eyes in mock ecstasy, a soft moan escaping his Mountain Dew covered lips.
“Yeah? What was so great about it?” Matty suddenly sounded sad.
“I don’t know, man. It’s like… You know how girls are all soft and stuff? And they smell sweet, like flowers or strawberries or… cherry gum.” Ethan took another lengthy sip from the soda can and wiped at his mouth with the neck of his t-shirt. He’d always done that. His mom would shake her head at him in resignation, ruffling his auburn hair fondly, reminding him that he wasn’t a small child anymore. He could use a napkin or, as a last resort, the back of his hand.
“Yeah, so…?” Matty was getting impatient. “Spill it, Eth.”
“So, guys don’t taste like that. Or at least, Jimmy Harrow don’t. It was more like… minty… and like… like salami, maybe. Salty. Spicy. I don’t know, man. Why are we even talking about this?” Ethan brushed at the back of his neck, suddenly feeling shy.
“Because we’re brothers. And brothers share stuff like that. And what do you mean, he tasted like salami?” Matty reached for the nearly empty soda can and finished it in one last pull.
“Well, he did. I don’t know why. Jesus! Maybe he had a salami sandwich for lunch or maybe that’s just the way guys taste. What the fuck do I know? He tasted different, that’s for sure.” How could he explain something to Matty, which he didn’t really understand himself? How could he possibly put into words how a single kiss had changed his entire perception of himself. There was no way.
Because it wasn’t just that Jimmy Harrow was a good kisser or tasted a certain way. Or that he was cute as fuck with his fluffy, blond hair and tight quarterback ass. Or that he smelled faintly of sweat and coconut scented sunscreen. Maybe it was the hardness of his body instead of the softness of a girl’s? Or the way he’d plunged his tongue unapologetically into Ethan’s mouth after throwing his gum into the trashcan next to the janitor’s office. Maybe it was because he’d moaned greedily around Ethan’s tongue instead of giggling sweetly. Hell, maybe it was just the sum of all those things. Ethan didn’t know for sure. It was just different. Spectacularly different.
“So, does that mean you’re gay now or somethin’?” Matty looked at him out of the corner of his eye. “Like Shirley Wilson’s older brother, Kenny. You know, the one who lives in San Diego with his boyfriend?” Matty bit his lip, uncertainty suddenly reflected in his blue eyes.
“I don’t know. I think so.” Ethan hadn’t really thought that far ahead. What it meant to have finally kissed a guy when he’d fantasized about it so many summer nights, lying in his humid bedroom, unable to look away from the old poster of C.J. Wilson, while he stroked himself lazily. It was only early afternoon and he’d kissed Jimmy Harrow during the ten o’clock recess. How did you know in a matter of a few hours if you were gay or not?
“Does that mean you’re gonna move away too?” Matty suddenly sounded hopeful, a light lilt to his voice.
“I don’t know, man. It’s not like there’s a whole lotta gay guys in Eden.” Ethan laughed but it didn’t reach his green eyes. “Maybe it’s better being gay in Maine, you know?”
“Of course, it is,” Matty blurted, a big grin covering his adolescent face, dimples popping, which was a rare occurrence. It only happened around Ethan, and even then, not often. “Everything’s better in Maine, you’ll see.”
“Yeah, I guess so, man.” He didn’t doubt that everything was better in Maine, but he always worried what would happen to his mom and brothers if he wasn’t there to help around the house when his dad was away. He’d never considered it an option to live elsewhere. Ethan knew that he would just worry endlessly about his family if he was too far away for too long. Did they have enough money for the twins to go to summer camp? Was his dad able to find a new job at a construction site when his current employment ended? Was he safe at the site? Did his mom have enough money for the groceries? What if something unexpected happened? What if…
They were interrupted by the bell, their future put on hold for another couple of hours until they could escape to Ethan’s tree house and continue indulging in their shared hopes and dreams for a future far away from Eden. A future, where daily slurs and random beatings weren’t on the list of Today’s Specials for Matty. Where Ethan didn’t have to worry about another fatal accident at yet another construction site and if his dad would never come home again. Or if his brother Ryder would get that sought after scholarship or what it would be like having a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Ethan – Now
