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“Do you know where she lives?”
“Yeah, kinda. I mean, I know which city.” Austin shifted on his feet, his body tensing beneath Matty’s hold. “But it doesn’t matter, ‘cause I’m never gonna go.” There was a finality to the words that you didn’t often hear in Austin’s voice.
“Why not?” Matty knew that he was most likely pushing his boyfriend but after the events of the day before, he wanted to know. Needed to know this last thing about Austin. Just like Austin now knew the whole story about Matty.
“There’s just no point, I guess. I mean, I’m happy. Dad’s been the best parent I could ever wish for. I’ve never felt any less loved or cared for. Dad may be a man of few words, but it doesn’t necessarily take a whole lotta talk for someone to show you that they love you.” Austin sucked in a deep breath. “Besides, she’s not the mother that I want. She never was. Sure, she’s the image of the life I could’ve had if she’d decided to stay instead of leaving. But she’s not that person. For some reason, she made a choice that day that she didn’t want to be a mother.” Austin smiled weakly. “Well, at least, she didn’t want to bemymother.” A solitary tear trailed down Austin’s stubbled chin, and Matty swiped it away with his thumb, before pressing a subtle kiss against his lips. He tasted of salt and sadness. “It doesn’t matter anyway. I have everything, I need right here.” Austin tightened his beefy arms around Matty’s midsection, crushing him against his chest.
“Yeah?” Matty knew exactly what Austin meant because he felt the exact same way. No matter what happened once they got to Eden, nothing could any longer shake the foundation of his life. It was solid. Strong. Permanent. He had all the family he needed now—well, the only thing missing was Ethan. He couldn’t wait to see him. Talk to him. Tell him about his life now. About Will. And Millie.Stella. About Austin and Cassie. The family that he’d searched for ever since he ran away. He’d found it in this little corner of the world, and he knew that the final piece of the puzzle would be the moment when he could share this life with Ethan. When his two worlds could melt together into one.
“Yeah. You’re everything I need…” Fidgeting with the hem of Matty’s t-shirt, Austin frowned, contemplating something. Then he looked straight into Matty’s eyes, a broad grin on his face, eyes brilliantly bright.
“What?” Matty chuckled, suddenly feeling naked under Austin’s scrutinizing stare.
“Nothin’,” his boyfriend grinned secretively.
“Tell me,” Matty poked his index finger at Austin’s solid chest, “tell me!”
“Tell you what? I have no idea what you’re talking about, sweetheart.”
“Fuck you! You know what I mean. You were thinking about something. I know that look on your face. It was yourAustin-is-having-deep-thoughtsface.” Matty continued to stab his finger at Austin’s chest.
“I have a face like that?” Austin pretended surprise. “I thought I only had anAustin-buried-deep-inside-his-boyfriendface and anAustin-devouring-a-cheeseburgerface, and they pretty much look the same.”
“Shut up, you idiot!” Matty threw his head back laughing before he mumbled against Austin’s shoulder, “And they donotlook the same…” He felt his cheeks flushing and imagined they would be bright pink by now. “So, tell me…”
“You really wanna know? You think you can handle my profound words of wisdom?” Austin smiled, “You are aware that I have a high school diploma, right? You think you’re ready to be blown away by my grand ideas?”
“I’m ready, babe. Please, proceed to blow me away…” He loved this version of Austin. The carefree goofball, eyes beaming with trouble. Fuck, he loved every version of his boyfriend, but this was probably his favorite.
“Okay,” Austin sucked in a deep breath, a pinkish color spreading across his cheekbones. He suddenly looked serious. And nervous. “Here’s the thing. This is how it’s gonna be. I love you, too. Like in a big kinda way. There are many things that I love but that I can live without. I love cheeseburgers but I’d survive without them.”
Matty raised an eyebrow in mock surprise while Austin continued.
“I could. Love them but really don’t need them. I love the ocean and this boat. I love this town and I love our house. I’d hate for anything to happen to our home, but I could basically live anywhere.” He paused briefly, pulling Matty closer against him. “So… all of this is just stuff, you know. Walls and floors and… you know what I mean, right?”
Matty nodded. He knew exactly what Austin meant.
“But you. You’re my constant. You’re the one thing I don’t want to live without. I probably could, but it would be a sad-ass life without you. Everything would just be… beige, you know?” Austin shrugged.
“Beige? Life without me isbeige?” Matty chuckled, intrigued where this was going.
“Yeah, I mean, who likes beige? It’s the saddest fucking color, right? Nothing spectacular is beige, you know. It’s not like you’d paint your house beige or buy a beige car…”
“Babe…”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m getting there, alright. Patience, sweetheart.” He shook his head, a lock of black hair spilling into his eyes and Matty’s fingers itched to push it away. “So, you’re not beige. Your bright and brave and beautiful. You’re the best person, I know. You’re my Matty, you know.Mine.”Austin patted his large hand against his chest, just above his heart.
It was the strangest thing because Matty realized that they could stand on this flipping boat for the rest of the day, and Austin wouldn’t run out of kind things to say about him. About him. Matty. This amazing person, his person, would never run out of sweet words to describe him. He’d never heard one remotely negative word about him cross Austin’s lips. Austin had never spoken to him in anger or even annoyance. His boyfriend had never raised his voice at him or made him feel small and insignificant. Only ever worthy and like he mattered. To Matty that was better than all the money in the world. Faced with Austin’s unwavering faith in him, in them, Matty felt brave and could finally verbalize the dream deep within.
“So, you’re gonna marry me one day,” Matty whispered. “And we’re gonna have a family one day, too. And we’re gonna always sleep next to each other—even when we’re old and wearing matching diapers,” Matty scrunched his nose, “I mean, that’s what you’re saying right?”
A dopey smile had spread across Austin’s face while Matty spoke.
“I am. I’m gonna marry you one day and then I’m gonna do my very best to knock you up. Or get some kids with ya somehow.” Austin shrugged. “Okay?”
Matty nodded as he felt the last layer of his old self peel away under the coastal sun and be carried away by the wind to finally,finallybe gone forever.
“Okay, Austin. Okay.”
