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“It was an accident!” Reeve blurted, cheeks flushing.
“Accident my ass…” his dad murmured from behind his paper, “ain’t no such thing as a darn accident with you boys around,” he winked over the top of the paper at Reeve.
“Now, hon, how am I supposed to teach our boys good manners when their own father has the mouth of a sailor?” his mom shook her head, failing to hide a fond smile directed at her husband.
“Why can’t Ethan do the dishes? How come he gets to sit around all day, just moping like he got his privates caught in the electric fence?” Reeve gestured at Ethan, who was oblivious to the ruckus going on at the dinner table. Ethan had been in his own head during most of the meal—hell, ever since he got back from Maine, really—and had only contributed a few“yes, pleases”and“no, thanks”to the conversation.
“Your brother isn’t feeling well, so you leave him outta this,” his mom raised her voice an octave as she threw her eldest a concerned look. “Now, get goin’, the two of ya!”
“Sorry, what, Mom?” Ethan looked up from where he’d been rearranging the green peas on his plate for the one-hundredth time.
“Nothin’, sweetheart,” she smiled at him, “just your brothers being little brats again.” She winked at the twins in her usual way to signal them, “I don’t really think that you’re brats, you just drive me up the freaking wall most days.”
“Oh, okay…” Ethan trailed off, once again focusing on his peas. No matter how many times he tried to count them, he always lost his thread when Avery’s sad, beautiful eyes appeared in front of him. Ethan couldn’t stop thinking about the way that Avery had looked the last time he’d seen him. Curled up on his side, knees tucked to his chest, whimpering like a wounded animal. Please, Eth, just go.
No matter how hard he tried, Ethan could no longer recall the rational thought behind leaving Avery that day. There probably hadn’t been any. In that moment, he’d just felt so… Afraid. Yes, afraid. It wasn’t often that fear took hold of him, but in that moment, standing in Avery’s bedroom, he’d been consumed with fear. Fear of taking a leap. Of stepping into the unknown. The more he played the whole day over and over in his head, he realized that he’d done wrong by Avery. He shouldn’t have gone back to Boston in the first place—that was a selfish fucking idea if there ever was one—but he had just wanted to see Avery so bad. To smell his hair again and taste his skin. To feel Avery’s slender fingers trailing along his spine while he whispered sweet nothings into his ear. And he should never have slept with Avery. That was a cruel thing to do, and Ethan had never considered himself to be a cruel, uncaring person. But he had, nonetheless, even though he knew that he was breaking Avery’s heart. I know it’s not my heart you’ve come back for because I told you already. It’s yours whether you want it or not…Fuck, he was such an asshole. Such a spineless, gutless coward.
In three days, he was supposed to start at Peterson’s farm. Mr. Peterson had put him in charge of the stables since Ethan had always had a knack for horses even though right now, he doubted that he’d be able to tell a stallion from a mare. Since he’d gotten home, he’d spent his days in a haze and his nights tossing and turning in his bed. Until he, in the early morning hours, finally succumbed to a turbulent sleep filled with images of Avery naked, smiling, crying. He would wake up, drenched in sweat, his sheets tangled between his thighs as he hugged his pillow against his chest, sobbing. Shit. He was only nineteen and still it felt like the fucking end of the world. He knew, of course, that it wasn’t. That notion was, of course, ridiculous, and yet, the feeling lingered that he had fucked up…
“Son, are you gonna give me a hand tomorrow with the fence?” He hadn’t noticed that everyone had left the room aside from his dad who stood next to him, a semi-worried frown between his brows, his large hands placed carefully on Ethan’s shoulders.
“Sure,” he whispered, staring out into nothing. “I can do that.”
“Son, are you—?”
“Dad, I don’t wanna talk about it, okay?” He sighed, brushing his hands through his longish hair. He needed a haircut. And a shower. And a…
“Sure thing, son. I just…” his dad looked at him, his pale blue eyes filled with concern. “Just know that I’m here—your mamma’s here—in case you wanna talk. Or not.”
“I know, Dad. Thanks. I’m just… you know…” He shrugged, pushing his chair back from the table.
“Yeah, I know, son… I know.”
As Ethan climbed the stairs to the second floor, his old dog Walter got up from the floor under the dining table and followed him upstairs. Blind in one eye with arthritis in his hind legs, it was quite an effort for the old mutt, but since Ethan had come back from Maine, Walter followed him everywhere. It was okay, though. He preferred dogs over people these days. Walter didn’t ask any well-meaning questions or send him compassionate stares across the dinner table. He just was content to finally have Ethan home again.
As he closed the door behind him to his bedroom, Walter immediately headed for his favorite spot on a worn Army blanket on the floor next to Ethan’s bed. Sighing deeply into the scratchy blanket, Walter closed his eyes, and rested his old bones for the day. He’d always been a good dog. Good-natured and loyal.Loyal.Suddenly, Matty’s words coursed through his mind. “When are you gonna stop doing what you think people expect you to and start doing whatyouwant instead?”Was Matty right? Was he wasting his life by staying in Eden and working on the farm? In a year, Ryder would be off to college and the twins were old enough to help around the house, making ends meet, too.
It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about it since returning home. What it would be like to go to college. To get a degree in teaching kids with special needs like Matty. Ethan had even gone as far as Googling colleges that specialized in teaching dyslexic children and children with learning disabilities like his younger brother. He’d checked out various student loan options and scholarships. Avery was right. There wasn’t really anything standing in his way. So why was it that every time he pulled up an online application form, he hesitated? Something held him back. He couldn’t pinpoint it. Every time the reason was just within his grasp, it escaped him. Slipped through his fingers.
Pulling out his phone, he opened his message thread with Avery. His last one was from two-and-a-half weeks ago.
Me: I got home okay.
Me: How are you?
Me: I’m sorry, Avery.
Me: I’m sorry.
Avery never replied which was all the same because nothing Avery could say would keep Ethan’s heart from breaking any less. He wondered how long it took to get over a broken heart? If Avery was over him yet?“I don’t think I’ve ever been in love before. It kind of sucks, to be honest.”Yeah, something told him that Avery probably wasn’t. He knew that he was an asshole for even thinking it, but somehow it gave him comfort. To know that Avery was probably just as sad as he was. Because then there would still be something connecting him to Avery. A bond of sadness. Yeah, Ethan both welcomed and dreaded the day that he would wake up and no longer feel sad…
CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE
Ethan – Now
“HONEY! ETHAN, YOU’VEgot a visitor,” his mom’s voice rang through the open door from the porch. He’d just gone inside to get a drink before going back to helping his dad mend the fence next to the chicken coop. The wind and the unforgiving weather of West Texas had eaten away at the old wooden poles and replacing them was way overdue. He removed his baseball cap and wiped at his sweaty forehead, strands of hair plastering to his skin. It was fucking ruthless today, the August sun beating down from a cloudless sky. Every piece of clothing just stuck to you, and Ethan held the cool glass against his forehead, closing his eyes momentarily.
“Ethan! Hon…” his mom’s voice took on an insistent tone, and he poured the remaining water into the sink.Shit!The last thing he felt like was having company. It was enough that his brothers were home, messing around, smelly clothes lying around everywhere, open peanut butter jars and half-eaten sandwiches on the kitchen counter. Ryder wasn’t so bad—he was off at practice for most of the day. Summer break didn’t mean the end of practices—not if you were on a fast track to a scholarship. No, it was the twins, River and Reeve—also known as the devil’s spawns. They were fucking annoying little pests, with their farting competitions and crude remarks. If they weren’t beating each other up, they were running around the backyard, throwing water at each other, screaming their heads off. That’s why Ethan had opted for helping his dad. He could just barely deal with his dad’s occasional remarks as they worked side by side in the blistering sun, but if it was one of his acquaintances from school, he’d have to tell them to fuck off—or at least, to come back another day when his heart wasn’t fucking broken.
