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“Shit.”
Ryder snorts. “Yup. We got a good ole southern talkin’ to. I remember thinking that I would find a way to make it up to him. We’d be sneakier. I wouldn’t push him on the moving out together issue. But Momma wasn’t done with us. Oh no. She finished with the ‘being queer and banging your brother is wrong’ speech, then looked right at Rue and told him he had to be out of her house by morning or she was calling the cops and pressing charges.”
“What?” I cut in, slamming my hand on the steering wheel and making Ryder flinch. “Charges for what?”
Ryder lets out a humorless laugh and tosses his hat onto the dashboard, dropping his legs.
“Statutory rape. Rue was nineteen. I was seventeen. Didn’t matter that we were both minors when it started. He was an adult. She told him not to contact us. Never to come back. No goodbyes. I was angry but I didn’t want Rue to go to jail. And Dad looked like if Rue stayed any longer he might not have made it out at all. I told him to go. Told him we weren’t worth ruining his life. We were young and stupid and horny and that was it. He left and… Momma wrote him off.”
“Jesus.” I lean back in my seat, watching Ryder out of the corner of my eye. We were never as close as Rue and I were, but over the last few weeks I’ve come to see that Ryder is standoffish with everyone, not just me. Even when he goes home to visit Mom and Dad, there’s always a calm civility about them, but he’s still closed off. “You’re both adults now. Do you… Like are you still…?”
Ryder’s smile is sad as he shakes his head. “I haven’t seen Rue since then. Number got disconnected a long time ago and… honestly, I’ve been too afraid to find him.”
“Afraid?”
“Because he meant something to me, Atlas. Means something to me. And wrong or not, I let that go. Let him go. That regret has poisoned every aspect of my life. All of my personal relationships. My sex life—Hell, I only sleep with women because the thought of being touched by another man feels like I’m betraying an ‘us’ that doesn’t even exist anymore.”
“Why sleep with anyone at all?”
Ryder raises a brow but chews his lip in contemplation. “Loneliness, I guess? Gotta fill the void somehow. Better than alcohol, I reckon.”
“So Rue? He’s your someone?”
“You gonna tell me how awful I am?”
“Nah. I think… I think love finds us when it wants us. And sure, it’s weird. Really weird because you’re my brothers, but… it’s not hurting anyone for you to love each other.”
His shoulders droop as the tension in them uncoils, and he reaches over to ruffle my hair. “What about you, Ats? What’s keeping you and this guy apart? Because I can tell by how glued to that phone you’ve been that you’re really into him.”
“It’s complicated,” I start to say, but slam my mouth shut at the half glare Ryder sends my way. “Us being together could really hurt someone we both care about.”
“Why?” Ryder asks, and I snap my eyes to his. “Shouldn’t this person want you to be happy?” When I fumble trying to find the words, Ryder smirks with a sparkle of understanding in his eyes. “This has to do with Shiloh.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Because somehow you’re the only person on the entire planet who hasn’t realized the man has been in love with you since you were kids.”
“Why does everyone say that?” I ask, but I’m not feeling the resistance I usually do. There’s this ache edging at the corners of it, this prickle of awareness that’s slowly been finding its way in. “I don’t…”
“Yeah, I know that, too. You can’t help your feelings, little brother.”
If that’s true, if there’s more to Shiloh’s feelings than just what’s made up our friendship all these years, then there’s no way to stop him from getting hurt. Whether I’m with Blair or not, won’t change the fact that as much as I love Shiloh, I’m not in love with him.
“I love you,” Blair had said, and I’d felt it. Filling the room like a perfume, like an aphrodisiac, the passion in his words dragged me under like a tidal wave crashing in. It was in every ragged breath, every roll of his hips, every moment his mouth descended on mine. I was held captive by the strength of it. I’d chain myself to that feeling for the rest of my life.
Because in the quiet moments, when our eyes met and everything outside stopped existing, whispers licked at the back of my mind, ones that are working their way forward the more I think about this thing with Blair and I ending.
I would live in Blair’s body if it meant the open flame burning when we connect would always stay lit. Keeping us both warm and safe.
“I love you,” he had said, and it echoed in my chest like an undeniable oath. It reverberated through my bones, pounding in my heart and begging my throat to open up and let them escape.
I pull the phone out of my pocket and open the anonymous chat app. B’s icon is yellow; the same it’s been the last few days: away.
“Some advice?” Ryder’s voice cuts through my thoughts. “Fear is only a deal breaker if you let it be. The only good reason not to be together is because you don’t want to be. Otherwise, you’ll both live with the regret of your decision.”
“Ryder Huxley giving relationship advice?” I faux gasp, and he whacks my chest with the back of his hand. “The sky is falling.”
“Shut the fuck up.” He rolls his eyes. “And hey. Maybe don’t be weird about the Rue thing? I’m sorry I fucked shit up so bad, but me and him have been over and done for years.”
