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He grumbles through the nurse’s vital checks and questions, pausing only to throw on his playful charm, and when she leaves, saying the doctor will be in whenever he has a chance, his whole demeanor drops and he throws himself back in his bed and tosses an arm over his face.
“Anyone want to clue me in on what I’ve missed?”
Atlas glances at me before sitting on the edge of Shiloh’s bed. “What do you remember?”
Shiloh sits up just enough to make sure Atlas sees his eye roll and kicks at his hip from under the covers. “Already covered that. You and my brother are swapping spit. I mean after.”
“Ah.” Atlas clears his throat, searching out and grasping Shiloh’s hand. “We were, um, hoping you could fill that in for us.”
Shiloh’s brows dip together. “You don’t know what happened?”
“Corvin brought you in.”
At the mention of their RA, Shiloh locks up. His eyes go wide, the gnawing on his bottom lip abruptly stops, and his face drains of color.
“What did he… what did he say…?”
Atlas and I exchange a glance, and I reach over for Shiloh’s other hand. “He said you both got in a fight? You hit your head. But Shiloh, you were…” I squeeze his hand, and to my surprise he squeezes back. “Your toxicology was a mess. Your alcohol level was through the roof. You had a shit ton of blow in your system.”
His eyes drop to his lap, and when he tugs to pull his hand free I tighten my grip. He swallows rough, and pulls his knees to his chest. “I don’t remember,” he mumbles, resting his cheek on his knee.
“I know.” I sigh and drape an arm around his shoulders. “You can’t keep hurting yourself like this. I know getting your meds right is rough. I know that getting drunk is an easy way to drown your feelings. I know that you’re struggling with all of it—but this one could have killed you. I could have lost my brother. Atlas could have lost his best friend. Do you know how devastated we’d be?”
He turns his face into my shoulder, and I see the beginnings of tears as his eyes redden. “I don’t want to die,” he says softly. “But why does living have to be so hard?”
Atlas joins the embrace on Shiloh’s other side, and the three of us sit there wrapped in each other, just trying to breathe through one heartache at a time.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a fucking brat,” Shiloh rasps, keeping his face buried and muffled. “Everything is just so mixed up in my head. It feels like I don’t know who I am, and all the meds jumble me up more. I’m drowning, and I can’t even tell you in what.”
“You don’t have to apologize,” Atlas mumbles into Shiloh’s hair, and at the same time, he lifts a hand to stroke my cheek. “You just need to get better.”
The words are for Shiloh, but they’re for me too.
‘I need you here. I need you to be okay. Both of you.’
Shiloh nods, and that’s when I feel the first few tears escape onto my shoulder.
“Atlas and I have been talking,” I hedge, and Shiloh grips my shirt in a silent confirmation to go on. “We think it would be best for you if… if you went somewhere for help.”
“For the alcohol?”
Atlas starts rubbing his back in broad strokes, and I feel Shiloh’s muscles relax under the touch. “For that. And so they can monitor you. Figure out where you really need to be on your meds. You’re no good to anyone if you’re a zombie, and I’m worried where the mania will take you if we don’t treat it.”
Shiloh turns his head to lock eyes with Atlas and nods. “What are the chances I can sneak you in with me?”
Atlas and I both laugh, and I tug Shiloh into me tighter. I could have lost him at any time this last week. All I want to do is wrap him up in bubble wrap and lock him in his dorm room until graduation.
“None.” Atlas smiles and leans down to press their heads together. “But you can call me. Text. If we can do visits, I’ll be up as much as I can, but, um…”
Atlas pulls away, and in turn Shiloh straightens out, watching his best friend with an apprehensive curiosity. “I love you, Loh. I do. I really fucking do.”
Shiloh tenses, gripping the comforter into tight fists.
Atlas offers him a reassuring, albeit guilty, smile. “I need to know if you and I are going to be okay? I’ll be spending a lot of time with Blair, sometimes overnight. All three of us can hang like normal when you get back, and I’ll make sure you and I still have us time, but things are going to be different.”
“I do have other friends, you know.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about.”
