AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Me: Shit. Did I upset you?
A: Not that kind of collecting.
Me: Oh. Oh, you mean I turned you on?
A: Kind of? Didn’t make me hard but more like… a brain boner? I felt hot and excited and like imagining it made me wish I could feel it. But it wasn’t sexual.
A: We can keep going. I like this. It’s surprisingly relaxing.
Me: Giving you a brain boner is relaxing?
A: Shut the hell up and kiss me if you want to.
Me: I thought you didn’t like kissing?
A: I don’t dislike it. I’ve just never cared for it. You want it. It makes you feel good. You told me you were lonely. Tell me how you’d pretend kiss me.
He wants this, then? Wants me to be honest? If A was someone I cared about, someone I wanted to lie with and be with, what would I need from him right now? What would I need him to let me do?
I gulp and rest my forehead on the pillow, taking a deep breath and pouring my heart and desires onto the screen.
Me: I’d suck kisses up your jaw. Blow air into your ear and seek out your mouth. I’d press our lips together and guide your hands to my waist. I like kisses that are slow and sensual. I’d want you to let me cup your face while you dig your fingers into my scalp. While you held me by the waist, by my neck, and kept me steady. I’d want to get lost amongst the stars, and I’d need you to anchor me.
Tears drip down my cheeks, and even though I refuse to pay them any mind, they keep rolling. All of the pressure, stress, and pain of the last few days leaks out with them. I know it’ll be back; the feelings never dissipate for long, but for this brief moment it’s like finally breaking the surface of a raging rapid you’ve been unable to escape.
A: You’re a romantic.
Me: I’d like to fall in love one day. Be someone’s choice. Is it too much?
A: Not at all. In fact, I’m changing the terms of our thought experiment. Tonight, I’m going to be in love with you. I’m going to give you everything you need. And in return… you can take my fake virginity.
Wait. He wants… more than this? He wants to…? Shit, I’ve never done a virtual hookup. Not one that wasn’t insanely awkward and over in like five minutes never to speak to each other again.
Me: You want to sext with me?
A: Not if you don’t want to. Sex is hard for me to think about on my own. I’ve seen porn but it all seems so awkward. Maybe thinking of it through you will enlighten me?
Do I want to? I mean, yes. Yes, I’m in the state of mind that sex is high up on that list, and if it’ll help with A’s curiosity…Maybe it’s okay?
Me: Are you still imagining me as your crush?
A: He’s not exactly a crush, but… yes. Is that okay?
Me: Perfectly fine.
A: So we can do this?
Me: Yeah, we can do this.
This will be okay, I think, blinking back a fresh set of tears. A mutually beneficial agreement.
A: I don’t know much about sex, but I know how to comfort someone. I know how to hold them close and lick their open, wanting mouth. I could lay you on the ground and kiss you until you’re pliant, until you trust me to take care of you. Give your neck the same treatment you gave mine. Trail my fingers over your ribs and kiss down your chest.
Me: You’d make me hard. But I wouldn’t expect anything. I’d ask for more. More of anything you’re willing to give me. Touching me. Kissing me.
A: How about this? I’d put my lips to your ear, still feeling your body with my fingertips, and I’d whisper to you. You’re so handsome, good, and worthy. You’re strong and patient, and you deserve to be cherished. You deserve to find love and be loved in return. You deserve everything you never let yourself have.
More tears threaten to spill, and I push my face into the pillow. No one has ever said anything like that to me before. My body doesn’t know whether it wants to run away and hide in embarrassment or stay and let the full body flush take over.
