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“You like touching me,” I whisper, relaxing into his snug grip as it tightens.
He hooks his chin on my shoulder. “I’m not always great with words. With reassuring people. Touch is how I do that.”
“I bet Shiloh loves it.”
His breath is hot against my face as he laughs. “Shiloh is very physically affectionate.”
The words form a ball of anxiousness in my throat. Dad might have been out of line, but I’d be a liar to say I’ve never wondered the same. I just always figured they’d tell me when they were comfortable if anything was going on.
I clear my throat, because now has to be as good a time as any, right?
“So, Atlas,” I say as he turns his nose into my neck and sighs. “Have you and Shiloh ever…”
He groans and nips at my neck, another round of laughter shaking his shoulders. “Not you too. Do you think I’d be having this sexuality crisis if I was sleeping with your brother?”
“Well,” I start, not sure if what I’m going to say makes sense. “Sometimes gender doesn’t make a difference with certain people. If there’s a strong connection… a lot of feelings can grow from that.”
He sighs into my shoulder, his arms around me loosening so he can seek out my hands and thread ours together.
“I’ve never felt anything sexual for Shiloh,” he says slowly, voice soft in the quiet of the room. “Nothing romantic. He’s Loh. He’s my best friend. I don’t know what I’d do if he wasn’t in my life.”
“You can’t be roommates forever, you know. One day you’re going to find the people you want to spend your life with, and I know you’ll always be close, but it won’t be like this. Are you okay with that?”
I don’t want to convince Atlas that he’s in love with my brother, because this budding thing between us is a light in my darkness right now, but I also don’t want to trick myself into thinking this is more than it is. Especially if Atlas has feelings for someone else.
“Yeah.” He finally unburies his face from my neck and sits up. The missing pressure from my back is only slightly relieving; I like the way he holds me. “It’s scary to think about. Things changing so much. But I want Loh to find that person for him. Someone who doesn’t give a shit about his issues who can be understanding but also keep his head on straight, you know?”
I do. Shiloh is a handful; he always has been. Whether it’s the bipolar disorder, or his short fuse or need for excitement; I’ve spent most of my life chasing Shiloh and rescuing him from trouble. Which is why I’m grateful for Atlas, who has managed to help Shiloh keep his spark but not let him go off the deep end.
“You don’t think you could be that person?”
This time he pulls his hands from mine, and I immediately miss the connection.
“Atlas—”
“I do want to be that person. But not for Shiloh. For you.”
I stare down at my hands, at the cuts and abrasions and the dirt on my bare legs.
“When was the last time you took a day to take care of yourself?” His voice is back in my ear, and I close my eyes as pleasure whispers down my spine.
“I have responsibilities.”
“Not tonight,” he says, hands sliding down my shoulders so slow they leave goosebumps in their wake. “Tonight I’m going to be your boyfriend. I’m going to take care of you, and you’re going to do as I say and relax.”
Easier said than done, but when his hands slip to my exposed thighs, my body gives in under the touch. My legs spread as his fingers work into the muscles, and my head lolls back against his shoulder.
I don’t think I realize how much of me aches until it all lets go. Every touch is a sore spot, little hisses escaping through my clenched teeth, but Atlas doesn’t stop. He grips and kneads up and down my thighs until they shake, and then he flattens his palms over the skin and kisses my neck.
“How about a shower?”
I laugh out a strangled sound, forcing my eyes open to see his big, hazel eyes staring down at me.
“You expect me to stand after that?”
“Yes.” He pecks my lips and pushes me forward, moving to stand in front of me and pull me to my feet. When he has to grip my arms to keep me steady, he chuckles. “Need me to join you?”
I know he’s joking, but I’m not ready to give up this constant connection, the way his touch quiets all the worry in my mind.
