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That has him cocking his head, brows furrowed.
“I don’t...” Sighing, I drop my face in my hands. “I’m a virgin, and I’m not sure if that’s ever going to change.”
This time, his head snaps over and his jaw drops. “No fuckin’ way. We were literally just talking about you hooking up with Trisha.”
I scrub a hand through my hair and shrug. “I’ve fooled around. But I’ve never... fuck, Loh... I’ve never penetrated anybody and nobody has ever penetrated me.”
My face is scorching, and I refuse to look at him. I refuse to see how ridiculous he thinks I am, because god knows I feel it. He shuffles so he’s facing me, but I keep my eyes down.
“Atty.” Soft, warm hands cup my cheeks, and he doesn’t give me a choice as he forces our stares to meet. “Sex doesn’t have to be dick in a hole. How do you think lesbians do it?”
I crack a smile, and he pulls out one of his own. “I’ve never fucked anyone, Loh,” I say quietly. “I don’t think I ever want to.”
He nods, pushes his forehead to mine and rubs our noses together like we’re ten again. “Nothing wrong with that.” He pulls away enough to catch my eyes, but I can see the deep dip in his brow from concentration. “Did you think I’d say anything else?”
“I guess I worried.”
“Atty.” Shiloh pulls me into a tight hug, strong enough to crush my ribs. “I know I acted like an ass about the bi thing, and fuck I’m sorry. Whether or not you’re into guys, girls, dicks, vaginas, or none of the above, I don’t care. I care about you and your happiness, and I thought you were on board with the ribbing.”
Saying it all out loud with clear certainty? It gives life to something in my chest. Something that flutters and soars and aches beyond belief, but in a good way.
“I want to like sex,” I say into his shoulder, and he nods to show he’s listening. “I want that connection.”
He tightens his arms around me, burrowing into the juncture between my neck and shoulder. “Okay. Yeah, that’s okay, too,” he says, followed by a mutter, “fuck.”
Shiloh untangles himself from me, guilt written all over his face. “Fuck the dare, Atlas. I’ve been pushing you about it, and I thought it was something we could laugh at later, but it’s not and I’m such an asshole.”
“It’s okay. I’m used to it.” I try to crack a joke, but Shiloh groans and pulls further away.
“You shouldn’t have to be!” Shiloh throws his hands up and stands, rocking a little on his feet. “I just wanted—I thought that maybe—goddammit.” He grabs his hair in his fists and lets out a bellow so broken and raw that I can almost feel the aftereffects in my own throat.
He stands there for a long time, peering over the edge of the roof and making my anxiety skyrocket. But eventually he takes a step back and falls onto his ass. “You don’t like sex at all?”
I play around with the words in my head, wondering if I can get them out right or if I should leave things as they are.
“I... can enjoy parts of it. I want parts of it. But I need... I don’t know. I need to trust the person. I need to feel connected to them and safe with them. I need to... need to care about them before I feel anything else.”
He nods slowly, turns his head, and the briefest hint of a smile comes out. “Can we go home?”
“Yeah, of course.”
When I go to stand, Shiloh catches the sleeve of my Henley. “Can we watch a movie? In your bed or mine?”
I settle back down and wrap my arms around him, a hug he immediately returns. “Child’s Play?”
“Think we could play it loud enough to annoy Corvin?”
I shake my head. “Not unless you want him busting down our door at three am.”
“Aww, but that sounds fun!”
Maybe I haven’t been completely honest with him. Maybe I’m not ready to put words to this thing blooming between Blair and I. But even when shit is hard and we don’t see eye to eye, when we fight about stupid shit—Shiloh and I will always be there for each other.
So when this whole thing gets out, when we drop this thought experiment façade and find that something deeper has taken over, I hope Shiloh will still be on my side.
Chapter 19
Blair
