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"But you toldme." She finally turns her head to make eye contact with me. "So what does that mean?"
I chew hard on my lip, the coffee burning my hands as I wrap them around the cup. I don't even care. I want to feel the pain. I want to feel somethingother thanthe ache in my chest, the one that feels like someone ripped my heart out and there's just an empty space there.
"I don't know what I'm doing," I breathe.
"Mind telling me what happened between the two of you?"
I sigh and blow out the breath, my brow furrowed.
"I really fucked up," I start.
And then I tell her everything.
About our conversation on the road...about cuddling up with her during the trip, the kiss, and the two nights we spend together. I don't get into any of the details--she doesn't need that--but she nods as I keep going, like she knew the whole time.
My mom listens patiently, not interrupting me once. When I finish, there's a long silence between us, the only sound coming from the birds twittering around the birdfeeder. I take a deep breath and glance over at my mom, expecting her to say something, anything, to break the silence.
But what she says surprises me.
"You're in love with her, aren't you?" she says, her eyes fixed on the birds.
I stare at her for a moment, caught off guard by her question. "What?" I say, my voice coming out as a croak.
"You're in love with her," she repeats.
"I don't know," I say, my heart pounding. "Maybe? I've known her for a few days and I don't really...I don't do this. This isn't me."
"Why not?" she asks, finally looking at me, her eyes sharp and clear.
"Because I don't..." I pause, raking my hand through my hair. "Fuck if I know. I'm always traveling. No time to put down roots."
"And that's what I want you to think about, Evan," she says. "Sam is a good girl. She's been through a lot--"
"I know," I start, but my mom shoots me a glare and I go silent.
"You don't," she says. "When she first came here four years ago, she was still devastated. She came to my house and she would cry for hours in the guestroom while we kept an eye on little Alex. And that boy...he had to take care of her. You know what it's like to have to take care of your mama."
My mouth goes dry and I swallow hard.
"I sure do," I say roughly.
"So if you're gonna be with her, you've gotta do it right, Evan," she says. "None of this...making her breakfast and dinner and spending time in her home and playing house. You're making it hard on her."
"But the damage is done--"
"And how much worse would it have been if you'd kept doing this and then, out of the blue, left town?"
I can't argue with her; I've never stuck around before.
Even when I was watching my dad get rough with my mom and my little siblings...I left.
I never even tried to protect them.
"So what?" I ask. "I just...give up?"
"Not at all, son," she says. "Youtry."
"But she hasn't asked me to stay," I say.
