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He slid his hand to my hair, fixing one of the strings of diamonds. “I was beginning to fear that you were jealous.”
I stared at him, confused.
“I know I’ve been paying a lot of attention to the others of late,” he said, fixing another string as he glanced out to the crowd, likely at the fair-haired Allyson. “I was worried you were beginning to feel unappreciated.”
My brows inched up my forehead. “Seriously?”
He frowned. “Yes.”
I continued to stare at him, slow to realize he was being truthful. A laugh bubbled up, but I squelched it. I couldn’t even remember the last time Claude had done more than give me a quick kiss or pat on the rear, and I was completely okay with that.
Mostly.
While I felt little real attraction toward him these days, I did enjoy being touched. Desired. Wanted. I enjoyed touching, even if it was for only a few minutes. And even though Claude had no boundaries set upon his paramours, things were a bit more complicated for me. I was more like an advisor . . . or a spy he sometimes showed attention to.
“I’ve been told you haven’t been sleeping in anyone else’s quarters,” he added.
Irritation flashed through me. I didn’t appreciate the idea of him having anyone keep an eye on me, but it was also a rather irrelevant observation.
Claude knew exactly how difficult it was for me to be intimate with others. How uncomfortable it made me if they were unaware of, well, the risks of me touching them without dulling my senses with what felt like my body weight in liquor. And not being able to remember having sex or hoping that it was enjoyable was as disquieting as seeing or hearings things I shouldn’t. Maybe even more so.
However, Claude also routinely forgot what didn’t directly involve him.
“I don’t want you to be lonely,” he said, and he meant it.
That’s why I smiled at him. “I’m not.”
Claude was quick to return my smile and lean away, turning his attention back to whatever. I’d given him what he wanted. Reassurance that I was happy. He sought that because he cared, but also because he was afraid if I wasn’t, I’d leave. But what I’d given him was a lie. Because I was—
I stopped myself as if that could somehow change how I felt.
I grabbed the chalice, drinking half of the wine in one gulp as I stared at the gold crevices etched into the marble floors. My mind went quiet, only for a few seconds, but that was all it took for the hum of voices to ratchet up. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and held it until I severed all those unseen strings as they began to form in my mind.
After several moments, I exhaled softly and opened my eyes. My gaze flicked out over the crush, the faces a blur and my mind my own.
In front of me, Hymel leaned against the dais. He glanced back at me, the mouth framed by a neat beard twisted into a sneer. “Is there anything you’re in need of,pet?”
My expression showed nothing as I returned Hymel’s stare. I didn’t like the man, and the only reason Claude tolerated him was because he was family and because he took care of the more unsavory tasks of running a city. For example, Hymel enjoyed being sent to collect rent, especially if payments couldn’t be made. He was unnecessarily hard on the guards and taunted me whenever he got the chance.
He wanted me to respond to him as I did when others stoked my temper. I had what Hymel called “a mouth” on me. However, I’d learned to keep that mouth in check. Well, about ninety percent of the time. But when I was really mad? Or really nervous or scared? It was the only defense I had.
Except, come to think of it, it wasn’t really a defense. It was more like a self-destructive tendency, because it always,alwaysgot me in trouble.
Anyway, Naomi once told me it was because he had problems performing in bed, unable to find release. I didn’t know if that was true or not, and I found it ironic that such a being could have such difficulties, butcaelestiaswere as close to mortal as any Hyhborn could be. They didn’t get as sick as often and were physically stronger. They didn’t need to feed as Deminyens did, but they weren’t immune to diseases. Either way, I doubted that was the driving force behind Hymel’s meanness, or the only one, but I didknowone thing about him for sure.
Hymel was a particular kind of cruel, and that was what he got off on.
He smirked. “You’re like a favored hound, you know that, right?” His voice was low enough that only I could hear him, since Claude had turned his attention to one of his cronies. “The way he has you seated by his feet.”
I did know that.
But I’d rather be a favored hound than a starving, dying one.
Hymel wouldn’t understand that, though. Those who never had to worry about when their bellies would be full again or if those rats scurrying through their hair at night carried diseases had no idea what one would do to keep fed and sheltered.
Therefore, his opinions and those of others like him meant nothing to me.
So I smiled, lifting the chalice to my lips, and took another, much smaller drink.
