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My head snaps up at that and my eyes widen. “Who told you that?” I ask.
“That doesn’t matter. What matter is the fact that you didn’t tell me.”
“The day I found out we had a big fight and I left your house,” I state. “I didn’t have time to tell you.”
“Juliette, you passed out due to stress. I should have been with you. I should have been taking care of you.”
“It’s my body. I’ll take care of it myself,” I mutter.
He growls. “Don’t do that, okay. I need you to be straight with me right now. What are you planning to do with the baby?”
I finally look into his eyes for the first time since he walked in. Fear’s coursing through them—fear for our unborn child. And I feel so stupid for ever thinking he would have never wanted it in the first place. He adores the twins and despite Asher not being his biological son, he still treats him like one. Of course he would have accepted his own child. I let out a breath as tears well in my eyes.
“I want a girl,” I say softly.
Xander lets the implications of that settle for a moment before he smiles so widely, it tugs at my heart.
“Boy,” he counters. “Maybe he’ll be some kind of genius like Mase.”
“Oh, God no. Mason is already insufferable, we don’t need another one of him running around.” I look down at my stomach and rub it softly. “You hear that, sweetie. You don’t need to be extremely smart. I’ll love you even if you’re not.”
Xander smiles as he moves closer and places his hand over mine. He leaves it there for a second and I don’t stop him when he leans down and kisses me. It’s a soft brush of his lips against mine, but even that is enough to set my heart alight.
“I hate dogs,” he says gruffly after a moment.
My eyes narrow in confusion at that sudden change in topic. “What?”
“We were driving on a really cold night. The roads were icy and Kathy was in the passenger seat beside me.”
I suck in a breath when I realize he’s finally telling me the story of how she died.
“We were heading to one of my hotels because I had to grab some important files for work. It could have waited, I didn’t have to go, but I did and Kathy insisted on coming along with me. Everything was fine, but then I got distracted. It was only for a second, but in that second, a dog ran into the road. I lost control of the steering wheel and we crashed into a tree. Kathy didn’t—”
His voice cracks and tears fill my eyes at the amount of pain in it.
“She didn’t make it,” I finish for him.
Xander nods, his hand tightening around mine.
“And you blame yourself.”
He looks at me, raw pain in his eyes. “It was my fault, Juliette. If I hadn’t got it in my head to drive to the hotel on a cold Saturday night. If I hadn’t tried to avoid that fucking dog. Hell, she wasn’t even wearing her seatbelt, and I didn’t notice. I was wearing my seatbelt but she wasn’t. That’s why she died. She was my wife, I was supposed to take care of her. But I failed.”
I tug on his arm softly until he gets the message and climbs into hospital bed with me. I rest my hand on his chest while twirling small soothing circles with my finger. His chest rises and falls beneath my hand, a tremor runs through his body and I have a feeling he’s thinking about that night.
“Listen to me very carefully, Alexander Callahan, because I’m only going to say this once,” I start. “It’s not your fault she wasn’t wearing a seatbelt or that the dog was in the road. It wasn’t your fault. What happened that night was an accident. I know it; deep down, you know it; and I’m sure Kathy knows it in Heaven as well.”
He laughs softly. “She didn’t believe in heaven or hell.”
“Well, I’m sure she’s watching you from wherever the hell she is. And she’s probably really upset that you’ve been carrying around so much hurt and pain instead of living life like she would have wanted you to. I never met her, but she sounds like an amazing person, and I know without a doubt that she would have wanted you to be happy. She wouldn’t have wanted you to blame yourself for an accident that you couldn’t control.”
Xander blows out a breath and I lean forward to look at him.
“It was one of her last words,” he admits. “She told me it wasn’t my fault.”
“And you didn’t listen to her. Typical,” I drawl, making him chuckle.
I place my palm on my chest, right above his heart, feeling it beat loud and true.
