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Baelen’s head tilted as he watched my expression avidly, a cruel smile playing at his lips. He was enjoying my pain. But I had to believe it wasn’t really him who spoke those words. Who wanted to cause me pain. Something strange was afoot, and no matter how hurt I was, I needed to discover what it was.
This can’t be Baelen.
It took a few seconds for me to find words. “Is that right?” Although my voice was calm and unaffected, my shallow, shaky breath betrayed my hurt.
“I only want Clawdia,” he clarified.
“May I ask why?”
He shrugged as though it was unimportant and he was only humoring me. “She is female. Beautiful. A soul mate to be proud of.”
My eye twitched.Do not react. Do not show your hurt. This is a lie.
“You did not say any such thing in the dreamscape.”
“Why would I? Clawdia cares for you. Hurting you would ruin my chances with her, and since she is the only one I want, I pretended I wanted you.”
I bit my tongue and paused before nodding. “Why do you think I wouldn’t tell her now?”
“You?” He laughed, the sound loud and obnoxious. “Who keeps secrets from her? Whispers with Charlie? You coddle her and are a masochist. You’ll allow her happiness even if you never find yours. The self-sacrificing nature of a healing soul.”
“And if I do tell her?”
He narrowed his eyes and hesitated for a moment before shrugging. “It’s not going to stop us from coming together. We are meant to be.”
“And we are not?”
“No one can love someone’s entire soul. There is always a dark, unlovable part, which is where all the bad and the trauma and the unkind words have been kept. You are that side of the soul, Zaide. Were you female, I’d still not want you. But at least I’d be able to fuck you.”
Although I thought I had steeled myself against the effects of his cruelty, doubt and hurt crept in.
Maybe he really doesn’t want me. Maybe he was acting before in the dreamscape. Maybe this is the real him. Who am I to assume that the son of the gods would love me? Why would an akari ever treat me with kindness? Perhaps the dreamscape is just that … a dream.
I closed my eyes and clenched my fists as I tried to shake off the negative thoughts.Ignore the pain. Don’t doubt yourself or Clawdia. Seek out the truth.
Baelen picked up a cup and swirled the contents, inhaling the smell of the leftover tea inside, and as I watched him, I reflected on what he said.
Is it a message for me? Is he talking about himself? Is this person the dark part of his soul instead of something causing his behavior?
Finally, I said, “You are not a cruel person, Baelen. What has happened to you? I want to help you.”
“Help me?” He raised an eyebrow and smiled.
“You’re my soul mate whether you want it or not. I will always help you.”
His eyes narrowed, and he put the cup down to consider me. “If I asked you to do something for me, something dangerous, would you do it?”
Something dangerous?I frowned as worry crept through me like a vine. It was confusing that he would ask, especially considering he was being cruel and pushing me away. If I told him no, would he try to use Clawdia in his dangerous task instead? And yet, he was my soul mate, if he needed my help, I would never reject him.
“I would. As long as Clawdia wasn’t involved.”
The smile that crept across his face was slow and wide. “That’s very good to know.”
I tensed to prevent a shudder but asked, “Will you let me help? Can you tell me what happened?”
He waved me off. “You can help when I want you to help. At the moment, you aren’t needed.”
“But am I needed by the real Baelen?” I asked, praying that pushing him would force some kind of telling reaction.
