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But he scoffed. “Are you really so desperate for me that you’ll believe I am a different person instead of the truth I am giving you?” He approached me slowly, disgust clear on his face and giving me flashes of my akari master with the same expression. His voice was low but firm as he said, “I do not want you. The Fates had no choice in making us soul mates, but you are the side dish I can pick up or leave, not the main meal.”
My heart couldn’t take much more. Just talking to him was like volunteering to be flayed alive. But it was an interesting analogy, and it made me ask, “Do you eat, Baelen?”
“Of cour–No, only blood.”
“You can’t enjoy meals even though you are half titan?” I asked, clarifying again.
“Apparently not,” he mumbled.
I wasn’t sure what to make of that. I didn’t know the correct answer, but his replies were strange enough to make me believe more firmly that this wasn’t my soul mate. And if it was, then he was under someone else’s influence. I just needed to prove it.
“Take me to the cabin,” Baelen demanded. “I’m tired and I’d like to rest.”
* * *
After takingBaelen back to the cabin, where he made himself comfortable on my side of the bed and waved me away as if I were a servant, I left the cabin at a jog. Away from everyone, I had time to process my feelings. And soon, the hurt and pain turned into anger that burned brightly inside me. I needed to find a way to release it or risk doing something I’d later regret.
How dare someone turn him against me? As though things aren’t complicated enough, the Fates want to take away the joy I might find with my soul mate too?
I cursed under my breath as I found myself running deep in the wooded forest of the island, twigs slapping me as I passed. My speed increased as my legs pumped in time with my heart. I needed to get lost. To be away from everyone. To break down where no one could see. To punch and kick and cry at the turbulent emotions twisting inside me.
My mind was a mess. Daithi’s vision, the slow progression of finding Fafnir, and my own helplessness in it all already occupied a huge part of my mind. And now Baelen’s cruel words filled the empty spaces in my thoughts until they were all I could think about. Until they consumed me.
Perhaps that is why I get captured. I throw myself at the hunters in a desperate attempt to end this torture.
Panting, I came to a small clearing where a large tree stood in the center. Its roots were as big as the trunks of other surrounding trees and rose in waves and dipped under the ground. I approached it slowly and swallowed.
Then, clenching my fist, I pulled back my arm and punched it. Hard. I cried out as my fist smashed into the wood and splintered the bark. The branches shook above me, and leaves dropped in a shower. But it was cathartic. All my built-up rage had an outlet, and I battered at the trunk of this old tree. Repetitively. Rhythmically. One punch after the other. Bellowing. Roaring. Until all the poisonous thoughts had been pushed back and blocked out and all I could focus on was my movement.
Breathing hard and tired enough to feel my aching body, I hugged the tree, leaned my head against the trunk, and closed my eyes. It had been a long time since I had exerted myself in such a way. Sweat dripped down my back, and my fists were broken and bleeding. But I felt numb. And that was better than hurt and angry and confused and scared.
Eventually, I moved to sit at the trunk of the tree, one leg bent up while the other stretched out over the grass as I watched the birds high in the branches and glimpsed the fluffy white clouds passing by between the gaps in the canopy.
Timid steps approached, and I knew who it was without even looking.
“Go away, Clawdia.”
“Oh. Am I interrupting? I’m sorry.” My gaze moved from the sky with a sigh and focused on my soul pair. She hugged her middle nervously but stared at my hands with a concerned frown before quickly kneeling next to me and picking my hand off my thigh. “Zaide? What have you been doing? Why does your hand look like this?”
“I’m fine.” I snatched my hands away, and she flinched.
I shouldn’t have been angry with her, and I’d later regret how I made her afraid for even a second, but I’d reached my limit. Despite relieving some of my anger, I hadn’t calmed enough to cover my true emotions. Everything I’d ever repressed came to wait just under the surface of my skin. It made me itchy and irritable.
“You don’t look fine,” she whispered, her violet eyes big and sad.
I looked away. “Why are you here?”
“I came to explain. I ran into Natasha. She listened to me rant about the two of you and then offered me some good advice. She made me realize that I am not angry with you at all. I’m frustrated with everything, and Baelen not behaving like himself just tipped me over the edge. But that is no excuse. I’m sorry for being rude and smashing the bowl.”
I listened but didn’t react. She needed to talk, but I didn’t have the emotional capacity to absorb or respond to her apology.
She licked her lips and knotted her hands. “I know pushing the bowl wasn’t acceptable, and it’s the last time I’ll ever do that. I don’t want to be destructive when I’m angry. I know how terrifying that can be, and while I’m sure you and Charlie would be the last people to be scared of me, I don’t want you walking on eggshells and hiding the nice plates when I’m in a mood.
The truth is that I’m still getting used to being human again. It’s been a baptism of fire, and I think this island, where it’s safe, has just allowed me to process it.” She sighed. “I’m still making excuses. I’m sorry. Truly. I’m sorry you and Charlie were the ones who were mistreated, and I’m going to do my best to recognize when I’m misdirecting my anger and stop before I hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you. Although, I think Charlie enjoys when I’m sassy Clawdicat. It reminds him of the good old days.” She laughed a little, but it couldn’t bring a smile to my face.
All the hurt and anger flared back up from one small phrase. I sneered, “The good old days before I came to the human realm?”
Her mouth dropped open, and panic flared in her eyes. “What? No! Zaide, I’m trying to apologize—“
