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“Cruel?” Her face fell. “How? What did he do?”
“He told me he didn’t want me.” My lip trembled, and my voice cracked. I coughed. “He only wants you and lied in the dreamscape so you would like him. He said I wouldn’t tell you because I coddle you.”
“That’s not true!” she exclaimed. “Well, you do coddle me, but Baelen wants you.”
“I know. I hope I know,” I whispered, “But he almost made me believe he didn’t. He said some things …”
“What things?”
“They don’t bear repeating.”
“Zaide, my love, I’m so sorry.” She pulled me into her arms, her hands and chest cradling my head. “I can’t imagine hearing all that. No wonder you are so upset.”
“I don’t think he meant it. I think there is something at force here, magic or an influence or something, but it still cuts me to the core to hear his voice and see his lips say those things,” I mumbled into her shoulder.
“We will work it out, my love. This is not yours to bear alone. We do this together.” She stroked my hair, and for a moment, I let her, enjoying the sensations.
But I soon pushed away with a sigh. If she truly wanted to know what was in my head, I needed to be honest and allow her to support me.
“We are together, but we are not. You are making friends. Charlie is busy with his mother. Savida and Daithi are trying to make things up to me, but their betrayal still weighs heavily on my mind. I have chosen to forgive them, but I cannot forget. I feel as though there is a noose tightening around my neck and I’m alone.”
She must have read something in my eyes because she didn’t try to invalidate my feelings by saying I wasn’t alone. She simply nodded, took my hand, and stroked her thumb gently over mine in slow caresses while she thought of her response.
“I don’t think this is your main reason for helping, because I know you care for Baelen, but are you trying to decipher what’s happened to him because you think you are useless to us if you do not?”
I nodded once, a small jerk of my head, and explained, “I need something to keep my mind off the impending doom I face, something to stop me from collapsing and pouring my fear into you. And I’ve failed. I’m failing you.” I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, trying to keep tears at bay.
A gentle hand brushed my face, and I peeked through my lashes to meet somber violet eyes.
“Perhaps I’ve not made it clear or have been too weak for you to feel like you can lean on me, but I want your fears and worries. As much as I adore you for the peace you give me, it’s not sustainable. Your actions and thoughts, especially the negative ones, shouldn’t be repressed.” She ran a finger down my face again and smoothed the scar under my eye. “This mask of perfection is not required for me to love you. It’s not required for anyone to love you. When Charlie is grumbling and huffing, does that make me love him any less? Of course not. And despite all his misgivings, Daithi is still loved dearly by Savida. And while you might be disappointed in Daithi, it’s because you love him. Love doesn’t fade with bad behavior. If you want to scream and cry and shout and rage, I want you to.” She gave me a wan smile. “We are two sides of the same coin. Here you are destroying your knuckles on a tree to get rid of the same angry and scared energy which made me push that bowl. Do you still love me?”
“Always.”
She pressed a soft kiss to my lips and continued quietly, “I know how you feel. I was so frightened that there was something inside me that made me unlovable. I tried so hard to be good for my parents, and yet they failed me. It took becoming a cat to help change the beliefs they gave me. And if I could turn you into a cat so you could learn that too, I would.”
“I don’t think being a cat would help any more than you already have, Little Cat.”
“You are not and should never strive to be perfect. But you are perfect for me, to me, in all your multifaceted parts. You are loved. So loved. And I don’t want you holding yourself back because you fear rejection. As Charlie said, there is no divorce for us. Whatever happens, we are a team for life. So, share everything with me, as I share with you.”
My jaw clenched as memories of the past flashed in my mind, and I explained, “When I was a slave, being loud or expressive made me a target for the Akari master. He would take blood and give it to his friends. If I made too much noise, I’d be made to fight in the rings for days without rest. Quiet was safest. I was silent for a year after Daithi and Savida saved me. I didn’t want to say anything that would make them regret bringing me with them. I was not interested in roaming the realms, but I wanted Savida to be happy.”
“You do not need to be quiet with me, love. And you are not useless. I understand if you want to be busy so you are not concentrating on the vision. But you don’t need to do anything to be of value. You are already essential to me. My heart and soul,” she whispered against my lips. Her lip twitched upward, and she said, “However, I do think we both need to work out better ways of expressing our fear and anger.”
I nodded firmly, furious with myself for my behavior. “I do not wish to frighten you with my anger.”
“That isn’t what I meant.” She looked down shyly with her lips pouted. “We should find better ways of releasing our anger … together.”
I was still confused as she stood up in front of me. But as she reached for the edge of her shirt and pulled it up over her head, my mouth dropped open as understanding hit.
“Little Cat?” I whispered, “Here?”
CHAPTER19
CLAWDIA
Idon’t know what came over me. Seduction wasn’t something that came naturally to me, and even though my body burned for him, my pussy aching for the stretch and pleasure he could give me, I still felt scared and embarrassed.
As I tossed my borrowed shirt onto an upended root, I bit my lip, watching Zaide’s face carefully for a sign. He remained frozen.
