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“Wild” was an understatement, but I didn’t have the energy to argue. Instead, I hesitated before finally admitting, “Looks like a part of my past is coming back to haunt me.”
“Fuck, I know how that is.” He drew in a ragged breath. “All that shit with Aila weighed me down for years until I finally confronted it head-on. Ignoring it didn’t really work. You know that you were the one who helped me realize it. Maybe you need to deal with it once and for all. I don’t know much about your past, mate. You’ve never shared it with me, so my advice might be total shite.”
I sat up and ran a hand through my unruly hair. Knox had dealt with some weighty matters from his past, his fiancee’s death and his feelings of guilt and responsibility for it. My past seemed darker and more lurid. Shameful. I hadn’t even been able to tell Maggie about all of it yet.
Knox was the best friend I had, and I knew implicitly that I could trust him. Part of connecting with people was letting them in, and I desperately needed someone on my side. I’d tell him at least some of it.
It took a moment, but eventually, the words spilled forth. “My dad... He was abusive, man. To me and my stepbrother. And my stepbrother, he... he couldn’t take it anymore. He killed himself.” The words felt heavy, like stones dropping into a still pond, the ripples of emotion threatening to pull me under.
Knox’s face drained of color and his mouth hung open as he breathed a single word. “Fuck.” He stared at me with wide eyes full of concern and sympathy. His voice cracked when he spoke again, “Ghost, I had no idea ... I’m so sorry.”
“Remi found out,” I continued, the dread mounting in my chest. “I don’t know how, but she knows everything. If she publishes this, for the world to salivate over... I don’t think I can handle it.”
Knox’s hand landed on my shoulder, his grip firm and reassuring. “Look, mate, you need help dealing with this. You should probably tell Trudy. If it’s going to come out, find out how to get ahead of it all. And you should really talk to Maggie. She’ll help you manage your emotions. It’s going to stir up a lot of nasty shite for you.”
I sighed, knowing he was right, but not wanting to admit it. Just thinking back to those years had sent me spiraling. Having it broadcast to the world would crush me under the weight of all the humiliation and shame. “Yeah, maybe I’ll call Maggie,” I conceded, the weight of the situation settling over me like a wet blanket.
“Trust me, Ghost,” Knox encouraged, squeezing my shoulder before standing up. “You don’t have to face this alone. If you need anything, just ask. Even if it’s just to talk, yeah? I’m a bloody good listener even if my advice is shite.”
As he walked away, leaving me to my thoughts, I couldn’t help but feel grateful for his unwavering support. It didn’t make the situation any easier, but at least I knew I wasn’t completely on my own.
After I took a quick shower and had a bite to eat, I went back to the small bedroom, which rotated between me, Ryder, and Knox. I stared at the phone in my hand, the number for Maggie already typed in. Taking a deep breath to steady myself, I hit the call button and listened as it rang. A moment later, her familiar voice answered.
“Hey, Ghost,” Maggie greeted warmly. “What’s going on?”
“Uh, hey Maggie,” I started, my voice uncharacteristically shaky. “I... I need some advice.”
“Of course,” she replied, her tone shifting to one of attentive concern. “What’s been happening?”
I recounted the recent events with Remi, my spiral, and the fear that gripped me at the thought of my past being exposed. As I spoke, I could tell Maggie was listening carefully, taking in every detail.
“Ghost,” she said softly once I had finished, “you need to confront your feelings about your past. It’s time. It’s clear that it’s affecting your present more than you realize.”
“Easy for you to say.” My hands were clenched into tight fists. “But how am I supposed to do that?”
Her voice was calm and steady. “Remember the four steps we were working on? Acceptance, Analysis, Action, and Forgiveness?”
I rubbed at my aching temples. “Yeah. How does that fit in?”
“You said Remi knows about your stepbrother’s suicide? And possibly the abuse? Well, I think you should give Remi a quote to print. Something generic, along the lines of...” Maggie paused for a moment to collect her thoughts, “Of course, it affects my music. Tragic things in our past shape who we are as people. It’s what we do with those tragedies that can make all the difference. And I choose to ... I don’t know if you want to mention your charitable giving or not, but it does say a lot about you Ghost. You’re a very generous man.”
I turned the idea over in my head. Could I do that? “So, I should just go along with it? Let her expose my past for the world to see and to judge? To pick apart my brother’s suicide like it’s the latest scandalous gossip?”
“It might be sensationalized by some, but that just reflects negatively on them. You can remain above all that.” I could hear her pen tapping on her desk in the background. “Obviously, your PR people can help you craft a better quote than the one I just made up. But Ghost, this is part of acceptance. As terrible as it all was, it happened.”
My throat tightened at the thought of exposing myself, the rawness of my emotions leaving me feeling vulnerable. “There’s other stuff, stuff I haven’t told you about, that I’m more ashamed of. If that ever got out...”
“Do you think you’re ready to tell me?” she asked quietly.
I closed my eyes. “Yeah. I think so. I’m tired of holding this all inside.”
She said nothing for several moments. “I’d prefer to have that conversation in person. Can you wait until the end of your tour? Or do you feel it’s more pressing?”
“You wouldn’t be asking me that if you saw me last night.” I was only half-joking.
She sighed. “That’s what I thought.”
I told Maggie that I would check in with the tour manager and find a spot in my schedule that would work. It wouldn’t be cheap to have Maggie come to see me for a few hours, but it would be worth every penny.
