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I miss him so much. I miss his smile, the way our bodies moved together, a blend of chaos and artistry, but most of all, I just miss him, a compilation of all the little things that made him who he is.
I sit down on the bench inside the fitting room and take a few inhales, but they don’t help at all. The grief builds and builds until there’s only one way out. I surrender to the tears as they spill silently. Holding my face in my hands, I’m awash with tears for a man who cared so little for me and everything we were.
Every minute I spent with you were the best minutes of my life.Those words he said to me the night after his mom’s birthday party replay in my head over and over. Who says that to someone if they don’t mean it? All his tender words felt sincere, but now, I don’t know what was genuine and what was pretend.
I take out a tissue from my handbag and wipe away all the mascara now dripping under my lower lashes. Any hope I had of looking like I didn’t just cry my eyes out is dashed away. I look like a friggin’ mess.
I blow out a breath. I may as well come out, there’s no hope of hiding the fact that I’ve been crying. Lilah’s standing right outside the door as I exit, looking every bit as worried as I feel.
“I’m fine, really.” I sniffle, brushing away a stray tear. “Let’s go pay and get out of here.”
“Okay,” she nods, a line etching between her brows.
We pay for our dresses and walk out soundlessly toward the subway, a block away.
As we wait for the train to arrive, Lilah whispers in my ear, “Hot guy, nine o’clock and he’s totally checking out your…everything.” I have no desire to even think about any other man, they have zero appeal.
“Not interested.”
“Just take a little teeny peek. You know what your mom says…”
I roll my eyes. “The best way to get over a guy is to get under two others, preferably at the same time,” I finish before she can. Yes, that’s my mom for you. Very sound advice coming from someone who raised you your whole life. Imagine growing up with her.
“Well, she isn’t totally wrong.” Lilah giggles. “But maybe stick to one guy.”
“How about none. Not like anyone could come close to Jax’s skills in that department.”
“So what are you going to do? Stay dickless forever?”
“Yep. I’m completely done with men.”
“Oh boy,” she yells into my ear over the blaring sound of the incoming train. “After dinner, we’re hitting up the local sex shop. Looks like you’ll be needing a lifetime supply.”
“At least the only thing that’ll break is my wallet.”
Shaking her head, she laughs at my lame attempt at a joke.
My cell buzzes in my handbag as we step onto the train and find our seats. I take it out, hoping it isn’t Vanessa again, asking about meeting Jax’s brothers. I haven’t told anyone in my family that we’re not together anymore. I’m not ready to talk about it with them yet.
As soon as I see who the text’s from, my insides take a nosedive. I had completely forgotten that we exchanged numbers after we drank together.
Heather: Hey, darling, I hope all is well. I’m having a family dinner tomorrow night and was hoping you can join us. I had messaged Jax asking him to invite you, but he didn’t respond, so I decided to do it personally. Please let me know if you’ll be able to make it. Speak soon.
Why the hell hasn’t he told her yet? What is he waiting for? I feel bad ignoring her but it’s not my job to fill her in.
“What’s wrong?” Lilah asks, probably noting my demeanor.
“Jax’s mom has no idea he ended it and just invited me to dinner. He didn’t even have the guts to tell her.” I stick my phone back in my bag.
Lilah takes out her own cell and types away angrily. Her fingers look like they’re reaching inside and tearing off the receiver’s head.
“Please tell me you’re not texting Jax!”
She holds up a finger, signaling that she needs a minute.
“You are, aren’t you? Ugh! What are you saying?” I demand, even though I know she’d never do anything that’d embarrass me, yet I’m still a little bit worried about what she’s saying. And it looks like he’s responding because she takes a few seconds to read before typing again. I tap my foot, eager to find out what’s going on.
She finally stops typing and hands me the phone.
