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My pulse punches through my neck, blow after blow, just like her words. I want to deny everything she said but I can’t. “I don’t know how to let go,” I whisper.
“Of what, darling?”
“Everything.”
She remains silent for a moment like she understands. “There’s help out there,” she finally says. “I’ve been reading so much on PTSD and it said therapy and medication can really be beneficial.”
A knot forms in my throat. “Nothing can help me, Ma.”
“How do you know if you never tried? Do it for her if not for yourself.”
My demons and I are one and the same. I don’t think anyone could separate us. My mom doesn’t know how fucked up I really am no matter how much she thinks she does.
“Lexi loves you and I know you feel the same. When she looks at you, I see it.”
I sit forward and prop my chin on my fist. “See what?”
“The feelings of your heart spelled out in her eyes.”
“I don’t—”
“Hush now. You may be able to fool yourself, but you aren’t fooling your mama. You know I love all my boys the same, but you and I have the same heart. We love big and we love hard, and you my son are in head over heels in love with that girl, so don’t deny it, not to me. Don’t be afraid of it, let love in. I know you want to. Better yet, I know that you can. Maybe all you needed was to lose it, so you could see what could be yours.” She pauses, blowing out a heavy exhale. “Don't let your thoughts rob you of a chance at love. Fight for her. Fight for yourself. It’s not too late to get her back, but you have to want it bad enough. I have a feeling she's worth it.”
She is, every bit.
“I said unforgivable things. There’s no way in hell she’d ever forgive me.” Nor would I blame her, I wouldn’t take me back either.
“You’d be surprised at what a heart can forgive. But first, you have to work on yourself, so when you go to her groveling, the only thing that’ll be holding you back is her forgiveness.”
For so long I’ve been content with the loneliness, accepting that the demons in my mind are my only companions, but I’m not anymore. Could Mom be right? Could there really be a way to starve the darkness until it’s truly gone? Maybe it’s worth a shot before I lose the only woman I ever truly loved.
CHAPTER23
LEXI
These past twoweeks since he broke my heart, I’ve spent either bawling my eyes out or feeling utterly numb. I’ve crashed and burned so many times, I can no longer keep count. Losing him hurts. It hurts more than it should, more than he ever deserves, but here I am, every bit as broken as the first day he left. And believe it or not, life may have gotten even worse.
I dial Lilah’s number needing to see her so she could talk some sense into me or, I don’t know, tell me I didn’t make the single biggest mistake of my life.
She answers on the first ring. “Please tell me you’re home and alone,” I quickly blurt out. Sometimes the guys work on the weekends so I’m hoping today is one of those days.
“Um, yes to both. Damian’s still at work for a while. What’s wrong?”
“I’m freaking out! May I come by? I need to show you something.” When Lilah lived in Brooklyn, it was so much easier to just drop by, but now that she lives in Long Island with Damian, the commute is a bit more of a pain in the ass.
“You’re making me nervous. Hurry up.”
“I’ll be there in an hour.” I immediately hang up, throwing on a pair of leggings and a light sweater, then grab my handbag and rush out the door to the elevator. Once it arrives, I jump in and hit the button.
My breaths are harsh, coming in and out as though I had just ran a marathon.What have I done! Maybe this is all a bad dream.
Come on, open already, I demand of the doors. They finally listen and I cross the lobby, heading out to my car. The faster I get there, the faster I’ll know.
* * *
I fidget around on Lilah’s navy armchair, rubbing my fingertips together as they start to tingle. My entire body buzzes with nervous energy.
“What’s going on? Talk to me,” she implores, her gaze cutting into mine.
