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Instead of giving up and moving on, I found myself texting her again and again, and she’d respond, the ice around her thawing with each message we exchanged. I still don’t know why I didn’t just give up, chalk it up as a loss and move on.
It was more than the need to corrupt every inch of her curves, more than my need to hear her cry out, begging for me to fuck her, it was something else. I liked talking to her, getting to know her mind. I’ll take a friendship if that’s all she has to offer and that should scare the hell out of me. If I’m not too careful, death may come for her and all I’ll be able to do is watch her die.
I peer at her from the corner of my eye as she fiddles nervously with the strap of her purse. She’s so fucking beautiful. Friends can tell their friends how beautiful they are, right? Because I plan on telling her every chance I get.
“I hope you’re hungry, babe. I made us reservations at a Thai restaurant.”
She looks over, brows lifting up in surprise. “You like Thai? IloveThai!”
I grin at her adorably excited expression. “Man, it’s as though we were meant to be friends or something…” Only I don’t know what that something is. I pull into the only spot, about a block from the restaurant.
“Okay, buddy, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I mean maybe you get a few points for your food choices. I’ll give you that.”
I turn off the engine and face her. “Wow, you keeping a score? Is there extra credit? I’m really,reallygood at that.” My lips curl smugly, letting her know exactly what I meant. I can’t help myself.
Her mouth parts a little and I picture slipping the tip of my finger into its warmth, feeling her tongue circle around it. Her eyes drift down my body, landing on my cock for a little too long before she jerks her head back up to my eyes. I chuckle.
“Oh, Jax, you’re lucky you’re pretty to look at.” She exits the car and slams the door shut and I follow her out, walking companionably side-by-side.
“Pretty? That’s what you call me? Man, I feel my masculinity deflating like a beach ball right now.”
She giggles and it sounds like a song I want to play on repeat. “Come on, soldier boy. Feed me, I’m hungry.”
Oh, I’ll feed you all right. And just like that, my head’s officially back in the gutter. I look over and notice her cheeks getting redder by the second. I guess I’m not the only one with dirty thoughts.
We proceed to the sidewalk and begin to cross the street and right as we’re about to step into the middle of the road, a car comes screeching down from around the corner and right at her.
Instinctively, I grab her roughly around the hips with one arm and yank her against me. Her back collides with my pounding heart, and I walk us backward to the sidewalk, my arms still tight around her. A sheen of cold sweat coats my skin as my breathing turns unstable. My vision dims. My heartbeat pounds in my head and a sense of crippling dread sweeps over me.
The flashbacks, they’re coming.Damn it, not now.
I pull air into my lungs even as my chest burns, in hopes of fending them off, but nothing helps. Once they come, they’re impossible to stop.
And before I know it, one of my worst days storms inside, like a blizzard engulfing every inch of rational thought. It plays vividly within my distorted mind just as the heavy blanket of icy darkness envelopes me. My chest clenches and my muscles twitch painfully in my neck.
I feel both my mind and body being snatched away from the present and forced to a time I wish was never mine.
“Jax…please don’t let me—die.” He can barely speak but I can make out the words as I hold his damaged body in my arms, praying like hell I could make him whole again. But I know I can’t. Goddamn it, it’s all my fucking fault. I did this to him—to all of them! Everything inside me screams, but I stay calm—for him.
I look down at his mangled body, my heart shouting in anger. I wish it were me at death’s door, not him. “You’re gonna be fine, man. Hang in there. Help is coming.” Every word that falls off my lips is a lie coated in wishful thinking. There’s no saving him. He’s never gonna make it. He opens his mouth and tries to speak again but instead of words I’m met with thick red blood, trickling out of the side of his mouth and onto my lap. And as he begins to choke and as he takes his last few breaths, I make sure the last words he hears are me saying, “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” I lean over him and shatter with tears no one hears but me. I lost him and he’s never coming back. And then I shatter some more.
“Jax? Jax, say something.” I hear her angelic voice but it’s like we’re in different dimensions, an invisible wall separating us. My throat closes and I can’t manage to speak, still vacillating between the past and present with no way of getting out.
I inhale deeply, every breath more agonizing than the last. And just when I think I’m lost for good, I inhale for the third time and the sweet floral smell of her hair permeates my cloud of confusion as it begins to drift away. And slowly with each breath, I start to come back to the present.
“Jax? Jax? Do you hear me? Are you all right?” She tries to turn around from within the steel cage of my grasp, but I continue to hold her, needing her closeness to calm me while at the same time refusing to face her after my humiliating episode. I take in a few more shallow breaths, my heartbeats still ripping me apart from the inside.
I shut my eyes and lean my cheek against the back of her head, inhaling her scent again, feeling it pour throughout my body, like medicine. It’s the only thing that causes the dark thoughts to crawl back into the darkest hell, a place I wish they’d stay but never do, they always find a way to haunt me.
When I finally have better control of myself, I let her go, hoping to play this off as if it’s nothing. “That fucking car came out of nowhere. Lucky for you I was here.” I smirk, hoping she buys it.
Her lips form a nervous smile. She glances at me through furrowed brows and reaches out a hand, placing it against my cheek, the soft touch a contradiction with the rough edges of my mind.
“Are you sure you’re okay, Jax?” My heart flips inside my chest, but this time it isn’t fear that holds it captive, it’s her. Those eyes, they hold me steady, keep my mind still.
“I’m fine,” I respond, my tone lower than I intended. We don’t release our gaze, even as a group of people speed past us across the street.
I see pity and pain beneath the twinkle in her eyes. Pulling her tight against me, I kiss the top of her head. “We should go before we lose our reservation.”
