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“No?”
“No. What he and I do is…” Casey shakes his head. He drags his hands over the surface of the water, stroking it almost lovingly. “It’s not that. We aren’t fucking.”
“Us either,” Carter admits quietly. “Me and Travis, I mean. Before he left, when he was sleeping in my room, all those nights… we weren’t doing that either.”
Casey seems to consider that, relaxing back in the water until he’s floating. He stares up at the ceiling for a long time. Carter watches him with interest, wondering how the hell someone floats like that. Carter doesn’t float when he’s in water. He fucking sinks.
“Can you?” Casey asks after a long time.
“Can I what?” Carter asks, wondering for a moment if Casey can read his mind and is asking about floating on his back in water.
Casey clarifies. “Can you… have sex?”
“Oh.” Carter puts his hands behind himself, leaning back on them so he can stare up at the ceiling too. “I… don’t know. I mean, Travis and I - we had to at the compound.”
“You said you had sex with him in private, using your consent. Back before you knew the truth.” Casey straightens up now. His hair looks ridiculous, soaked and heavy in the back, still fluffed in the front. “Did you have sex with him like that after you found out the truth? Sex in private?”
Carter thinks about it - about what would count and what wouldn’t.
“No,” Carter realizes - how had he not really thought about this before? “We haven’t had sex like that since I found out.”
“Yeah. Me either. I mean, since Jake rescued me.” Casey moves until he’s beside Carter’s feet, resting his arms on the ledge and looking off in the distance. “What would you do if you can’t?”
“What do you mean?”
“Like, what if you can never have that kind of sex again? Real sex. The kind of sex we had before… all this.”
Carter doesn’t point out that he was a virgin before all this. It doesn’t seem relevant. “With Travis?”
“With anyone.”
“I don’t know. I don’t think that’ll be an issue, once I’m ready.”
“Oh.”
The sound is simple. Small. But it says so fucking much.
Carter’s heart aches.
“Can you not…?”
“I’m sure I’ll be able to,” he says in a wooden voice, still staring off at nothing. “Once I’m ready.”
“Have you tried?”
Casey shoves his hair back before repeating, “I’m sure I’ll be able to, once I’m ready.”
Clearly that's all he plans to say about that for the time being, so Carter switches the subject.
“Ace says that finding Elliot is going to be hard, but that they’re trying everything they can. He said something about throwing darts at a shit ton of dart boards and seeing what sticks. Doesn’t sound all that hopeful, but it’s something at least.”
“I’ll take it.” Casey fiddles with his goggles. They’ve been doing this long enough for Carter to know that means he wants the conversation to end, but isn’t sure how to say so.
Carter takes the burden onto himself, not wanting Casey to feel bad. “I should go. I slept like shit last night. Think maybe I’ll take a nap.”
“Yeah?” Casey asks, clearly trying not to sound hopeful - and failing. “You should do that, then. I don’t mind.”
“Thanks, man.” Carter pokes him with a toe just to make him smile, then pulls his legs out of the water and stands. His eyes can’t help but find all the places on Casey’s body where he’s still healing. It’s a lot of places. “Don’t swim too long. Take it easy, yeah?”
