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“Yes.” Maison rests his forearms on the countertop and leans forward. His eyebrows pull in. “Carter, this is his life. It will always be his life.”
“I know that, but he could have at least told me goodbye.”
“Why?” Maison asks, tilting his head. “Because he was naked in your bed when he got his orders to leave?”
Carter’s face flushes red hot. He ducks his head, staring daggers at his coffee. “Were you the one to give those orders?”
“Yup.”
“And he didn’t even try to say goodbye to me? Did he even… hesitate?”
“Would it matter?”
Carter forces himself to look at his brother. He’s still so impossibly angry with him, but he wants him to see how he feels about this. “Yes. It matters to me, Maison. He-” Carter’s voice cracks. He swallows hard. “He matters to me.”
“You want to be with him then?”
“I - I don’t know. I have no idea what I want.”
“Have you forgiven him?”
Carter shrugs. “For some things. For other things… I might never forgive him.”
“What about me?” Maison asks - and now they’ve reached the root of the thing. Now they’re talking about what they’ve been avoiding for weeks. “Will you ever forgive me?”
“Maison…” Carter wraps his hands around his coffee mug, needing to squeeze something. He stares down at his white knuckles. It’s the only way he’ll be able to have this conversation. “Do you know the worst thing that happened to me?”
Maison’s voice is soft and strained with desperation when he says, “No. Would you tell me? Please?”
“It’s not anything you’re thinking. It’s not when Travis whipped me so hard I pissed myself or when Todd Henley pissed in my mouth or when I was beaten bloody and then raped in front of a crowd while I watched Casey just feet away getting raped to what I thought at the time would be his death.” Carter forces himself to look at his brother. “It was that I lost myself. It happened so slowly. Little pieces of my humanity. I’d find myself believing the things that were said about me. I’d find myself in this head space where everything felt warm and fucking fuzzy as long as I was pleasing him. I didn’t care if I ate or drank water or slept, I didn’t care if he was hurting me or fucking me, I just cared that sir was happy. That I was being good for sir. Sometimes I was so deep in that mindset that I felt like I was absolutely nothing. Like I didn’t fucking exist except for him.”
Maison’s lips part before pressing together. He shakes his head, then hangs it. A sound comes from his throat. “Carter…”
“That was your fault,” Carter says before he can lose the nerve. “The whipped so hard I pissed myself and the Henley pissing in my mouth and the beating and rape on stage while Casey was hurt - that was all Travis. Everything physical was Travis. But my mind? That was on you because I never knew it wasn’t real. I never knew we were playing roles. I would have fought harder to keep those pieces of myself that I had let go to survive. I would have had Travis in private to talk me through what was happening. I lost so much of myself, Maison. Pieces I don’t think I’ll ever get back. And fair or not, that’s a lot harder to forgive.”
“I didn’t think you could handle it, Carter.”
“You were wrong. I proved that.”
“Carter…”
“Did he hesitate?” Carter asks, his eyes burning. He doesn’t blink in case there are any tears that’ll escape.
Maison straightens, frowning. “What?”
“Travis. When he left last night. Did he even hesitate before leaving me without so much as a goodbye?”
The air grows heavy as Carter waits for his answer. Or maybe just his chest does.
Maison looks away before he speaks. “Yes. I told him to leave you alone.”
With an incredulous huff, Carter pushes to his feet and backs away from his brother. "Haven't learned your lesson then, I see."
"I was pissed at him for fucking you."
"You don't get to be pissed about that! If I want Travis to fuck me, then that's my decision. Hell, if I go around the house and offer my ass up to every person here, that's still none of your fucking business. This is my body!" Carter takes a breath, his whole body shaking in rage. He lifts his chin and draws strength from the emotion. “It’s my body. You don't get a say in what I do with it. No one does. Not ever again."
Maison nods, looking properly guilty. "I'm sorry. I'm just - I wanted to protect you. It fucking killed me not to be able to do anything while you were at that compound, or even before then. Now that we're together, I just want to protect you, baby brother."
