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Casey clamps a hand down on Carter's thigh and squeezes it. A clear warning.
What the fuck happened between Nolan and Travis?
"Yeah. It's like - I spent years worshipping Mast - Nath - Travis. Travis. I think everyone here can agree, he was the nicest master to any of us, and I latched onto that. Sometimes I'd even tell myself when the other men were hurting me that it was okay because I was doing it to please Ma - Travis, and it helped. It's fucked up, I know that logically, but that doesn't change that it helped." Nolan curls up in a ball, wrapping his arms around his legs. Carter hates himself for ever hating him. "I saw him this morning and I just… was back there again. He was Master Roarke and I needed to be good. But by the time I got on my knees and my mind caught up, I had remembered that it was all a lie. And then he started talking to me and instead of all the good feelings I used to have for him, I - I hated him. I yelled at him." Nolan laughs shakily. "I still can't believe I yelled at him."
"Did it feel good? To yell at him?"
"No. It felt… I don't even know. It made things worse. Like the one thing I could cling to over the years was wanting to be the best slave for him, and now it's gone."
"It's all gone," Bryce says quietly. He gives Nolan a look, apologetic for interrupting, but Nolan nods for him to continue. "I know some of you didn't believe you'd survive the life, but I never lost hope. I always thought that if I just hung on long enough and fought hard enough and was smart enough that somehow I'd get free one day. And now I am, and it feels like - I don't know. It's wrong. Because of him. Because of Travis. And the other one. Whatever his name is. The guy that was Benny. Even Carter." Carter flinches, feeling eyes turn to him. "They were liars. That freedom I dreamt of was right there and they kept it from us."
"Hey, don't rope Carter into this!" Casey growls. "He was hurt just like the rest of us."
"He knew!" Bryce yells back. Then he turns his gaze to Carter and points a finger. "I spent nights awake, sick over the thought of you. Of what it must be like to be alone with him. Of how scared and lonely you must be. I thought of the way they all would talk about you. I thought of how they all planned to rape you in front of your brother one day and then kill you. I was terrified for you. And the whole time-"
"No," Carter cuts him off, his voice trembling. "Not the whole time. I didn't find out until the end."
"So, he lied to you, too?" Nolan asks, his eyes huge. "Travis lied to you? He just… did all that shit to you and kept you in the dark?"
Carter grips his wine glass hard enough for Casey to take it from him. Probably a good idea.
"Don't judge him. You don't know him," Carter tells them.
"He sexually assaulted all of us!" Bryce shouts. "We can say whatever we want about the asshole."
A few others speak up in agreement.
Carter pushes off the couch and puts his hands up, ignoring Casey when his friend tries to pull him down. "Fine. Judge him for what he did to you. But don't bring me into it. What happened between me and him - that's none of your business."
"Carter," Dr. Singh says softly. "Please sit down. We're all just trying to say how we feel."
"It's not we," Carter growls, whipping around to face the asshole doctor. He points a finger at him. His hand shakes. "You weren't there. You didn't have to experience any of it. And - and unless this bullshit is fucking mandatory to stay at the safehouse, I'm done."
He waits to be told it's mandatory. When he isn't, he walks out.
He doesn't know which survivors chose to leave after today, but he hopes Nolan and Bryce are two of them.
Carter is drifting to sleep when he hears his bedroom door creak open. He sits up, heart pounding, but then his eyes adjust to his low lamp light and he recognizes the man standing there. Travis grimaces. "Sorry. I didn't think you'd be awake."
"You just wanted to be creepy for a few minutes? Maybe stare at me sleeping until you feel better, then go try to sleep too?"
Travis chuckles. "Am I that obvious?"
"It's exactly what I wanted to do when I snuck into your room 30 minutes ago," Carter admits. Today has been way too hard to bother lying about it. "You weren't there."
"You came looking for me?"
"It's been… a day. I just thought maybe seeing you would help."
Travis sighs. "Same here."
"Is it? Helping, I mean?"
"Yes." Travis moves forward, his steps cautious. "You?"
"Definitely."
"I heard about group therapy. They shouldn't have done that. Attacked you like that. I'm really sorry, Carter."
