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I nod as if I agree and drain half my drink.
“Maybe you can work here. When you’re ready.”
It takes a lot of effort to swallow my scoff. I can’t shower, Carter, I want to tell him. I can’t sleep in a bed. I can barely stomach food. Right now I want to curl up in a ball beneath the bar and hide away forever. I’m not going to be ready anytime soon. I might not be ready… ever.
But that would break his heart, and I can’t break his heart. Not when he looks so fucking happy. So I smile and nod again. I take another drink. I pretend like I’m not crawling out of my skin. I pretend like I can breathe just fine. I pretend like I’m not wondering if killing myself would be the right thing to do so my best friend can move on without having to worry about me.
Carter smiles so much here. He laughs. Eric pokes at him and he doesn’t tense or get weird, he just pokes him right back. They bond over their taste in hot guys - both of them twinks who like slightly older men who can throw them around a little. I nearly gape at Carter. Sure, I know Travis is strong enough to throw him around - I’ve seen it - but for him to so casually toss that out there like it’s a joke? Like it’s something he’d… want?
My stomach bubbles with heat and acid, bile burning the back of my throat.
When I eventually tell him I’m going to go grocery shopping, he just smiles wider and thanks me for coming. “I’m glad you came. It’s fun here, right?” he asks, waving me off when I try to pay for the drink that wasn’t nearly enough alcohol to make this experience anything close to fun.
“Fun,” I agree, not bothering to smile since he’s already eyeing the next customer he needs to serve.
I’m out the door without a goodbye. He doesn’t seem to notice. And I don’t blame him. Truly, I don’t. It’s not his fault I’ve gotten so good at pretending. It’s not his fault that he’s doing so much better than me.
The grocery store is just around the corner. There’s no one on the street the whole way there, which should be nice after being forced to spend time in a too-busy place where I couldn’t keep my eyes on every possible threat at once. Instead, I find myself thinking about how if a van came up beside me and a man popped out to grab me, no one would be around. Just like no one was around the night I was taken.
I don’t even realize I’m at the store until a man smiles at me and says, “Welcome to Town Market!”
Did I walk through a door? I look over my shoulder, startled to find that I walked through not one but two sets of doors. Sure, they’re automatic ones that slide open for you, but still…
I should probably pay better attention, right?
Or would it just be easier if someone grabbed me and returned me to slavery? Is that where I belong now? Is that what I am?
I grip the handle of my basket like a lifeline, a buzzing starting in my ears that I’m pretty sure isn’t real. The lights in here are too bright - like the bathroom Master used to bring me to when it was time to get sprayed down with the hose and scrubbed with the sponge that made me bleed.
No, not Master, I remind myself. DuGray.
I don’t have a master.
I. Am. Not. A. Slave.
When will I start feeling like it?
I passed the cereal aisle. I need to go back. I turn around and start over, shaking my head to try and get myself to concentrate. I’m not grabbing much, just enough to keep us fed until Carter can do the shopping instead. I think he has tomorrow off. So, really, I should be good with cereal and milk and maybe some protein bars. Bread too. I’ll grab bread. I think we still have peanut butter.
Feeling good about this decision, I hit the cereal aisle first. I grab a family-sized box of Frosted Flakes, smiling to myself a little at the thought of Carter and I being a family. The next aisle over is bread. I grab the kind I know Carter likes best - white, not wheat.
My stomach flutters. I’m doing it. I’m being a person. I’m grocery shopping all by myself after going to visit my friend at his work.
Sure, it’s fucking awful and I can’t wait to be home, but still.
I’m here. I’m free. I’m-
I run into something hard, my basket falling to the ground, my body starting to do the same before hands grab my elbows and hold me steady. “Woah there. Sorry about that. Wasn’t looking where I was going.”
The voice is warm and deep. The hands on my elbows are gentle. My heart kicks into overdrive as an expensive cologne fills my nose. Lavender and spices. I’d recognize it anywhere. It’s the same cologne DuGray wore. I’d smell it on his throat as he hovered over me. The scent of pain. The scent of misery.
The scent of Master.
How did I ever think I’d escape him?
Chapter Thirty
Jake
