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Christ.
He believes that.
He honestly fucking believes that.
“Casey…”
“Is that why?” he asks again. “Is that why you won’t let me…? Because I'm bad?”
"No. You are not bad, little fish. You are so very good. I promise. And I don't break those, remember?"
His lips twitch toward a smile before falling. "But then… why don't you want me to make you feel good?"
My heart starts pounding so hard it nearly rips through my chest. He asked me to play the role of his fucking hero. I can't be that for him and fuck him. That's the textbook definition of taking advantage. Of a power imbalance. It's wrong in so many ways, even if it feels impossibly right.
How did this happen? Where did I go wrong? Where did I cross the line?
It's because I told him he's mine. I know it. I knew then, too. And I knew eventually, it'd have to be corrected. The question is how.
How the fuck do I fix this?
"Case, we can't… do that." I sit up, rubbing the back of my neck with a trembling hand. "I probably shouldn't have even encouraged you to get off just now, but I know how badly you needed that and I wanted to help you get there. It was your first time getting off, wasn't it?"
"Yeah…"
"I'm so unbelievably honored you felt safe enough with me to do that. But-" I shake my head, unable to look away from him even though I know it's going to hurt to see him react. "But it shouldn't happen again. We can't be like that together. Okay?"
His expression crumbles, my heart doing the same. I look away, a fucking coward.
"But… why?" he cries. "You don't like me too? Like - like that?"
My stomach clenches. "Casey, it's not that I don’t - it's just that - I mean, I was your Master, Case. Sure, it was only for a few days and I never acted on the power I had, but that doesn't matter, you know? The whole thing is just… tainted now."
“Tainted?” he asks, his voice cracking. “Like… dirty?”
“No. No, no, no. Not dirty. Tainted was the wrong word. It’s just - we’ve been through so much, you know? And we’ve gotten so close. I don’t want to ruin that.”
"I think I'm going to go to my room now."
"Case-"
"No. I - just to - um - to get some sleep."
"You won't sleep by yourself, unless you're on the floor. I don't want you sleeping on the fucking floor."
He jerks away from me when I reach for him, nearly falling off the bed in his haste to get to his feet. "I don't want to sleep in here after you made it clear you don't feel the same way I do. I might be really fucked up, but that's where I draw the line."
“Casey, I want you. Of course, I do. I just-”
“Fuck you, Jake.”
I flinch when the door slams shut, burying my head in my hands as I realize how badly I’ve fucked up. I should have never let myself fall in love with him. But even worse? I should have never let myself break his heart just to make myself feel better.
What the fuck do I do now?
Casey avoids me all day. I’m not sure he even leaves his room. At one point, I catch Nolan entering it with food, so I figure it’s a safe bet that he’s in there the whole time. I try to keep myself busy, but more than once I find myself staring off into nothing, trying to figure out what the fuck to do. At one point, I even consider going to Dr. Singh for help.
In the end, it’s Travis I go to. I figure he’s the reigning authority on falling in love with someone you shouldn’t these days anyway. I stall when I get to his room, talking to him a little about Elliot and the leads he’s looking into. Eventually, I force myself to face the music and sort of just blurt, “I’m in love with Casey.”
