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Do I really want to die? Am I being dramatic? Is today just another bad day?
If I die, I’ll never see Jake again. I'll never see Carter. Or Nolan.
If I die, things will never get better.
I lurch out of the water just before an arm wraps around me, my face colliding with a soaked shirt. I cling to it with trembling hands and release a sob that vibrates my whole body. A second arm joins the first, holding me tight as I’m marched through the water and up the stairs. Jake sits down with me in his lap, his solid body firm against mine, his lips frantically pressing kisses to my face. His hands tremble as they rush over my wet skin like he can somehow keep me glued together if he touches every inch of me.
I shake my head, my eyes and nose and throat all burning. It feels like I might throw up. Someone calls from the doorway, asking if we need the doctor. I press my face into Jake’s throat, letting him decide. I’m too scared right now. Scared of myself. Of my own mind. Of what I just considered doing.
“I just want things to get better,” I sob.
“I know, baby. I know.”
“I didn’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I just - I just wanted it to stop for a second.”
“Shh.” He cradles the back of my head, pressing more kisses to my temple and swaying me back and forth. “Shh. I know.”
“I came up. I breathed. I promise, I wanted to breathe.” Something gets wrapped around me. A thick blanket. I catch a glimpse of Maison’s agonized expression before burying my face against Jake’s throat again. “I breathed. I breathed, I promise, I breathed.”
“I know, Casey. I know. I saw. You came up. You breathed. You did it all on your own.” He lets go of me just long enough to put his arms over the blankets instead so he’s holding it around me. Then he stands up with me still in his arms, my legs automatically wrapping around his waist, ankles locking at the small of his back. I cling to his shirt. “Let’s just get you to our room, yeah? It’s been a long day.”
I nod, letting him carry me out of the pool area. We slow at the door long enough for Jake to murmur, “He’s okay,” to Maison and Ace.
“Don’t tell Carter.” I lift my head just enough to look at the two men. “Please don’t tell him.”
“We won’t tell anyone,” Maison promises. “It’s no one’s business.”
Jake thanks them, bringing a hand up to press my head to his shoulder again. I let it rest there and close my eyes. It feels like the weight of the world slides off my chest. Like I can breathe again. I press the tip of my nose to his throat and sigh in relief. “Daddy?”
His steps stutter. “Yeah, baby boy?”
“You still love me?” I ask, unable to help how it sounds like I’m begging him to say yes.
“Oh, Casey.” His grip tightens on the back of my head, his arm around my waist doing the same. “I’ll never stop. I’ll never fucking stop.”
Chapter Forty-two
Jake
He doesn’t talk while I bathe him. While I dry and lotion him. While I dress him in my sweatshirt and nothing else. While I tuck him into bed with David and hold him close, the door of the room cracked open for Dr. Singh to come in when he gets here. He does at least softly hum in pleasure when I bring the hot chocolate to his lips that a worried Maison brought us a minute ago, and he smiles ever so slightly when I gently kiss the taste of chocolate from his mouth.
Dr. Singh is in faded jeans and a hooded sweatshirt, looking nothing like his usual dapper self. He seems ten years younger as he runs a hand through surprisingly messy hair. He must have been done with appointments for the day. I noticed recently that he seems to enjoy fishing whenever that’s the case, going out on the river or hanging near the farthest dock. I’ve also noticed that he’s always lingering on the sidelines, watching but not participating. Even with dinners, it’s rare that he joins us all at the table. It must be lonely for him. I wonder how much longer he’ll stay here before moving on, now that the number of survivors here is so low. I wonder if I could convince him to stay as long as Casey needs. Maybe I could pay him myself? How much would it take to buy him out from under the head?
“Casey, hello.” Dr. Singh nods at my boy, then gives me a soft but sad smile. “Can I sit on the edge here?”
Casey sinks against me before nodding.
“Thank you.” He perches on the very edge of the mattress, one leg pulled up so he can look at us straight on. His eyes are warm as they settle on Casey. “You know, if you wanted to see me twice in one day, you could have just asked.”
That makes Casey smile, just a little. “Sorry. I’ll remember that next time.”
“Would you like Jake to stay?”
“Yes.” Casey’s hand snakes under the blankets, fingers grabbing desperately at my shirt. “I want him here.”
“Okay.” Dr. Singh eyes me carefully before asking Casey his next question. “Were you trying to hurt yourself, Casey?”
Casey ducks his head, making my stomach turn. “I - no. No, I don’t think I was. I just… I mean, I was thinking that maybe I didn’t want to ever come back up because I was upset, but it was just a thought. And then my thoughts started spinning and spinning and spinning. But then I was thinking that I’d be sad if I was dead, that I wanted to try to let things get better, and then I realized shit, I can’t breathe, and I hurried and got out of the water.”
