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What the fuck do I do now?
Casey avoids me all day. I’m not sure he even leaves his room. At one point, I catch Nolan entering it with food, so I figure it’s a safe bet that he’s in there the whole time. I try to keep myself busy, but more than once I find myself staring off into nothing, trying to figure out what the fuck to do. At one point, I even consider going to Dr. Singh for help.
In the end, it’s Travis I go to. I figure he’s the reigning authority on falling in love with someone you shouldn’t these days anyway. I stall when I get to his room, talking to him a little about Elliot and the leads he’s looking into. Eventually, I force myself to face the music and sort of just blurt, “I’m in love with Casey.”
Travis’s expression turns solemn, his eyes pained. “I’m sorry, Jake.”
And I believe him that he’s sorry. Because he’s been right where I am and I saw how fucking tortured he was. How much pain both he and Carter experienced.
“Yeah, well…” I force a shaky laugh and shrug. “What can you do, right? I did my best. But he’s… Casey.”
“Would it make you feel better if I told you I’m pretty damn sure he loves you too?” he asks.
I laugh again, feeling like I’m about to fucking lose it. “No. No, not at all. Because it's fucking wrong. He doesn't love me. I saved him. It's all wrong in his head, Trav. It's fucking wrong."
Part of me hopes he’s going to argue, but he doesn’t. I try really fucking hard to feel relieved about that. Instead, it just breaks my fucking heart.
Travis suggests we get drunk.
I force a smile. “I’ll get the vodka.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
Casey
It takes me an embarrassing amount of time before I can get myself to dial Carter's number. It's not just the rejection I'm ashamed of, but all of the misinterpretations I made leading up to the rejection. How did I trick myself into thinking he wanted me? For months, my survival depended on one thing - being able to read a man. Read his moods. His desires. His possible threats. I had to read DuGray. Read his men. Read his friends. And I got really fucking good at it.
How did I get things so fucking wrong?
My eyes are already burning when Carter answers the phone. By the time I've told him everything, he's pissed and I'm crying.
"Bullshit," my best friend says for the third time. "That's just utter bullshit. He so totally does want you! Anyone can see it!"
"Apparently not…"
"He's an idiot."
"No." I squeeze my eyes shut. "He's right. Our relationship is tainted. I'm tainted."
"Don't say that!"
I shake my head even though he can't see, curling further in on myself. "I was so stupid. Why did I do that? Why did I ever let myself fall for him? I'm so fucking stupid."
"Trust me, you don't get to control it." He laughs softly. "I've tried. Which is why I feel very confident in saying that I think he does love you and he's trying not to, and he's going to fail miserably. Just give him some time to be a cliché guy and freak out."
"But he-" I pause, pretty sure I heard something just outside my door. I hate that my stupid heart starts pounding - not out of fear, but out of hope that it's Jake. "I have to go."
Carter sighs heavily. "If it's Jake, you should tell him to leave you alone until he knows what he wants. You shouldn't let him fuck with your head. You deserve better."
"I know." I take a breath, steadying myself. I deserve better. "I'll tell him to go. But then I'm going to try and sleep. Or cry until I fall asleep."
"Call me again if you need. I'll put my ringer on loud."
I smile. "You're a good friend, Carter."
He makes a soft psh sound but then says, "So are you, Case."
Not sure I agree, I hang up before responding and toss my phone onto my pillow. I practice what I'm going to say in my head as I walk toward the door. My stomach sinks when I open it to find no one there, but just as I turn to go back in my room, movement to the left catches my attention.
