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Casey
About a minute into my session with Dr. Singh, I blurt, “I’m with Jake now.”
Dr. Singh stops in the middle of asking a question about how I’m sleeping, his jaw hanging open for a moment. When he recovers, he slowly puts his pen down and clasps his hands together. “You’ve spoken of your desire to be with him before. You were nervous he wouldn’t feel the same. Did you speak with him about it? Or did he come to you?”
“It was kind of a mess. I sort of…” I look down at my lap, feeling my face burn. “I woke up in bed with him, but was still half-asleep, and I - well, I was horny and kind of, um…” I clear my throat, fighting the urge to touch my cheek to make sure it’s not melting off my skull. “He let me… rub against him, until I… finished. But then he said we shouldn’t do that or anything else. That we couldn’t be together because of our past.”
“What changed?”
“He said he couldn’t stay away.” I bite my lip nervously, peeking up at him. “I told him to stop trying. I told him I don’t care how messy our past is or whatever. I just care about being happy. And he kissed me.”
Dr. Singh nods. “And now you’re together.”
“Well, there was some more in between. Some talking. And then he left for their latest mission or whatever. And then he came back and we talked some more. He has a… kink.” Oh boy. Here my face goes, melting again. “A daddy kink. He wanted to make sure I was okay with it before we got together or whatever. He said he could be with me without that, if I didn’t want it.”
“Do you want it?” he asks, tilting his head thoughtfully. There’s not a trace of judgement in the question. I like that. A lot.
“I do.” I let myself smile, just a little. “I really, really do.”
He smiles in return. It’s warm and pleased. “I’m very glad, then. I’m happy for you both.”
“Thanks.” I look out the window, noticing the changing colors of the leaves. My dad and I always went camping this time of year. Even when I started college, I’d come home for a weekend so we could go. My stomach sours. “He told me a while ago, when he first told me the truth, that I’d have to pick between this life or my old one. If I went back to my dad, I couldn’t stay in contact with Carter or Jake or anyone else here. That it was against the rules.”
I don’t have to look away from the window to know Dr. Singh’s smile is gone. I can feel it in the air. It’s like my sadness has become thicker than the oxygen. “At that time, which were you planning on doing?”
“I don’t know. I remember thinking that I didn’t belong back with my dad. That maybe it’d be better if he thought I was dead.” I wrap my arms around my stomach. “I thought maybe I’d be dead.”
There’s a very long moment of silence. Then, “Were you afraid that something would go wrong before you got to the safehouse?”
“No,” I admit in a whisper. I still can’t look at him. “I was afraid everything would go right.”
“You wanted to hurt yourself,” he says, understanding what I’m hinting at.
“I wanted to kill myself,” I tell him, forcing my gaze to his. He doesn’t look how I thought he would. No pity. No panic. Just sadness with a touch of worry that pinches his eyebrows together.
“Do you still want to do that, Casey?”
I look back out the window. The sun is pouring through one of the tallest trees, making the orange of the leaves seem neon. “Sometimes.”
“Do you have a plan?”
“No.” I look back at him, something uneasy turning inside me. “I did, before. But not anymore. It just sort of feels like a distant thought sometimes, you know? Like a, maybe it’d be better if…? I haven’t thought that in a week or so though.”
He smiles gently. “Because of Jake?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.” His eyebrows are still pinched with that worry from before. “I want to talk more about that, if you’d be okay with it. Because I don’t want that to hinge on Jake. As much as I love that he makes you so happy and has taken your mind to a safer place, you need to be able to feel that way on your own.”
“I get that, yeah.” I kick the toe of my shoe at the carpeting. “Can we do that next time?”
He hesitates, but then nods. “We can. As long as you promise to come to me or go to Jake or a friend if you get the urge to hurt yourself.”
“I promise.”
“Okay.” He tilts his head, frowning. “I apologize for taking us off track for a moment. That was a serious thing that needed to be addressed. Would you like to go back now to talking about your father? And how you need to choose?”
“I mean, I chose. I can’t leave here. I can’t leave Carter or Jake or Nolan or any of them. This is my family now. My life. I just… this is who I am.” I squeeze my eyes shut as I’m suddenly slammed with the urge to cry. A sob lingers in my chest, making my voice shake. “But he’s my dad…”
