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Prologue
Noah
Ten years earlier…
The words echoed in his ears, a punch to the gut that almost knocked Noah Santiago off his feet. They were the killing blow to his hopes, the thing he had most feared when he’d gotten the rather strained message from his music professor and tutor, Jackson Knox.
“We have to end this, Noah. We can’t go on.”
Jax’s voice was hard, his face expressionless, no hint of emotion anywhere to be found. If Noah didn’t know any better, he might have thought Jax really felt nothing for him. But he did know, just as he knew the why of Jax’s decision. Last week’s accidental meeting had been a close call. Too damned close to be comfortable, to be safe. Thankfully, they hadn’t been careless enough to show any outward signs of affection, though while they’d been sitting together in their seats, they’d held hands for the entire performance.
But Noah had known Jax would break things off for certain after that. It wasn’t in his nature to expose those he loved to slander or to endanger their welfare in any way. And if anyone discovered that they were lovers, Noah could kiss his scholarship and his chance at making a name for himself as a concert violinist goodbye. Not to mention what would happen to Jax, who was his professor. Why he had let himself hope that the love between them could blossom and grow, he’d never know. And why the hell had Jax let things go so far before he’d delivered the killing blow?
Somewhere in his deepest heart, Noah knew the fault was equally his. He’d been the one to push in the beginning, to flirt, and tease, and seduce. He could have called a halt at any point while Jax was still refusing to allow things to develop and hesitating. But he’d persisted … when had he evernotgotten what he wanted out of life? No one said no to Noah Santiago. Well, no one had, until this moment. And what the hell was he to say to the man who had his heart? He could rail at him, sneer, and sling hurtful words, but what would that accomplish? He’d end up looking like every other rejected lover and prove to Jax that he was no more mature than any of the other students he taught, that he was an entitled, thoughtless, selfish twenty-one-year-old only out for himself and what he could get out of life.
He drew himself up to his full height and inhaled slowly, trying to bury the pain. When he felt more in control,he spoke.
“Sure. If that’s what you want, it’s fine.” He instantly regretted his phrasing.Way to sound grown up, Noah!“I mean, I understand, and I appreciate you being straight with me.”Liar! You hate every fucking second of this.
He watched Jax clench his fists before shoving them into his pockets. He knew what that meant, and it broke him wide open to know that Jax hated doing this as much as Noah hated him doing it. He wished, just for a moment, that Jax would give in to the urge he was fighting to hold him and just hug him, one last time, for old times’ sake. But he knew Jax wouldn’t. They were standing in his office, where Jax had summoned him earlier. He pulled his gaze away from the bulge in those pockets, his thoughts away from the hugs he would never again receiveor return.
“I’ve asked Professor Parks to take over your lessons,” Jax continued after a moment. “She’s quite excited at the chance to train you. We both recognize what an exceptional talent you are. I trust her. She’ll do right by you.”
Noah didn’t know what to say to that. He wondered what Jax had said to explain his sudden request, but he wouldn’t ask. It didn’t matter, or at least it shouldn’t, so he wouldn’t let it. It hadn’t even occurred to him that this was a complete and utter break between them. Why hadn’t he realized that Jax would not want to have any further contact with him at all? He wasn’t stupid, so why did he think it would have been easy to break off their love affair but still maintain their professional contact? He knew how they felt about each other. It would have been impossible for Jax to keep tutoring him in private without them losing focus and then what would have been the point?Fuck, this hurts!
He cleared his throat to rid it of the tears crowding it. He refused to cry before this man who was breaking his heart. He was not a kid; he was a man as well. He would deal.
“Thank you, Professor Knox. Will that be all?”
He saw Jax wince at the use of his formal title and felt a zing of satisfaction and pain at the same time. Heshouldfeel some of the hurt raging in Noah’s chest. Noah would not be sorry for inflicting it. Neither of them should leave that room without hurting. Losing the love they had found should not go unremarked. Jax—Professor Knox now, remember?—was speaking again.
“I’m so sorry, b— … Noah.”
Babe … he almost slipped and called me babe. Shit! Why, Jax, why? Why are you doing this to us?
“I never meant to hurt you, Noah. Please know that.” Jax’s voice broke for a second and he stopped speaking. Noah watched him swallow, heard the click of his throat as he did, before he continued. “I know that you will be a fabulous addition to the music world when you graduate. You’re a star and don’t you forget it.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck! Don’t cry, don’t cry!Another sharp inhale and a hard swallow of his own to help keep his rioting emotions in check. Noah knew if he opened his mouth, he’d beg Jax to change his mind, and he knew the other man wouldn’t. He wasn’t going to beg though; he was tougher than that. He nodded instead, turned, and walked out of Jax’s office, his shoulders squared, his head held high, hoping he wouldn’t meet anyone coming in. He wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, to pretend to anything like normalcy when his heart was tearing apart inside his chest. He needed to get out, away from this building, away from Jax, away from his shattered dreams.
Chapter 1
Jax
Sometimes,love hurt.
The sun beat down on his bare arms as Jackson Knox strolled along the boardwalk in the picturesque lakeside town in upstate New York. Lake Ontario glistened in the midday sunlight, and boaters and skiers zipped along its surface, enjoying the summer heat. Jax had arrived two nights ago. He was keeping a promise to spend a few weeks with his longtime friend, Jim Bell, and his wife. They were expecting their third child after two miscarriages and Jax, who was godfather to the other two, had not seen them since the twins were a year old. That had been seven years ago.
“So, are you sure leaving the big city university for a little river town college is the right move?” Jim asked, looking keenly at Jax. “It seems like a step down, my friend.”
Jax looked out at the horizon before answering. “It became more than I wanted,” he said. “The competition, the infighting, the politics, the increasingly intrusive expectations. I’d had enough. And it didn’t help that I was being harassed by a colleague.”
Jim stopped and turned to look at him. “Harassed? How?”
Jax stifled a smile. Jim had always been protective of him, ever since their days as freshmen in college, when Jax came out as gay. He’d lost most of the people who had called him friend, but Jim stayed with him, supported him, and tried for the next four years to find him a guy to love. The thought made a chuckle escape him.
“One of the other professors was … interested in me in ways I couldn’t reciprocate.” Jax didn’t explain why he couldn’t. It wasn’t something he was prepared to discuss now, if ever at all. “He got a little pushy. I just needed to escape that without stirring up a shit storm.”
Jim frowned. “So, what? You’re running away?” Jim sounded incredulous.
