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“Why does their mom need time away from them? Isshe sick?”
Jax knew what Noah was doing. It wasn’t illogical that he’d want to know about the family he’d just had lunch with, but he could also hide behind that interest and keep a wall between them. And while Jax didn’t think there was a chance of more than friendship going forward, no matter what his heart might be thinking, he also didn’t want there to be any more strain either, especially not now that they’d reconnected.
“She’s pregnant. The baby’sdue soon.”
Noah looked up then. “So you’re going to be an uncle again, huh?”
Jax chuckled. “Something like that. I haven’t seen much of the boys since they were babies, but now that I’ll only be a few hours away from the family, it’ll be easier.”
He’d been steering them toward a bank of benches in the little park alongside the pier and now he sat down, facing the water, his legs stretched out in front of him.
“Have a seat and tell me what’s been going onwith you.”
Noah sat as far from him as he could on the bench, making Jax’s heart squeeze in his chest. He supposed it was too much to hope that he’d been forgiven, even after all this time. He would do what he could to mend the fences and hope they could at least go back to beingfriendly.
“Nothing more to tell than I told your friend. It’s been a busy few years, and I’m takinga break.”
Jax studied him, wondering if Noah realized that he could still read him even when he tried to keep his guard up. A sure sign that he was lying, or at least not telling the whole truth, was the way he avoided eye contact. They might be on the outs as lovers, but even before they got physical with each other, Jax always knew when Noah was prevaricating.
“Why now? You were never the one to take a break, even when…” he paused, trying to find a comfortable way to say what was on his mind. “Even when you were stretched to the limit by academic and personalissues.”
There … that was good. No mention of the times when Noah had fallen dead asleep in the breaks that Jax gave him during their practice sessions. Or the bags under his eyes from insufficient sleep when he’d been burning the candle at both ends with his job and the academic load he chose to carry. No mention of the time Jax had let him sleep as long as he could at his place before taking him back to the apartment that Noah had shared with three other students. No mention of the way he’d been reduced to a ghost of his former self after their breakup yet still managed to graduatesumma cum laudefrom the program.
He hated that Noah didn’t trust him or want to have anything to do with him beyond being superficial acquaintances. He wanted to be there for him as much as an older friend could be, even one with no special benefits from a more intimate relationship. He knew it wasn’t in the cards any longer, but even after all these years, he still cared deeply for the man sitting next to him clearly trying to find a way to shut down the conversation.
“Look, I know you’re likely still angry with me about the decision I made,” he began and raised a hand when Noah opened his mouth to speak. “And yes, I know the last thing you want to talk about is us, but I just can’t believe you’re taking a whole year off without there being something seriously wrong, Noah. That’s not the man Iknew and…”
He bit back the rest of that statement. Even though he knew it to be true, the very last thing he would ever do is admit to Noah that his feelings were more than just deeply caring for him, that he was still as completely in love with him as he’d ever been. Because it wouldn’t do to get his hopes up if Noah was kind and didn’t rebuff him. Jax was eleven years older, and those years had begun to take their toll in subtle ways. He was under no illusion that a man like Noah, who had only grown more attractive with time, would be hurting for companionship with men his own age or younger.
“I was in an accident,” Noah finally said when the silence stretched between them as taut as a trip wire. “I’m on hiatus to recuperate.”
Jax sighed. “Is that why you’re not touring? How long will the rehab last? Has the quartet postponed going on the road until you’re well again?” The way Noah’s jaw tightened with each question made Jax fear the worst. “Talk tome, Noah.”
“Why? There’s nothing you can do about it. And it’s not like you care, anyway.”
The stinging words of accusation crashed into Jax, breaching the emotional walls he was trying to keep up to protect them both. Hedidcare, even if he couldn’t do a damned thing about it. Why couldn’t he be the man Noah could lean on during what seemed like a grueling time? Why did Noah think he had to go through whatever it was alone, or at least without a friend who would understand his trauma?
“Let’s not bring personal feelings into this right now,” he heard himself say. “I can be concerned about a fellow musician who is unable to do the thing he loves the most, can’t I? Especially when he is a former studentof mine?”
That will definitely put the final nail in the coffin, Jax. He won’t even want friendship after that little speech.Noah’s hesitation spoke volumes for his reaction to Jax’s words, but there was nothing Jax could do about it now. He really should have been honest about his interest rather than couch it in those terms. How did he expect Noah to regain any trust in him when he couldn’t even be honest about his feelings? He wasn’t a callow boy, but he sure was acting like one at the moment.
“Look, you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, but you can at least acknowledge that my curiosity is reasonable. We were … close once, and I don’t want you to think that you’re alone in whatever is going on.” A thought crossed his mind and the sharp pain it caused had him dragging a hand over his chest. “Unless you’re with someone, in which case, I apologize for being pushy.”
Why had he just assumed that Noah was currently single? Obviously, he’d be reluctant to share deeply personal problems with anyone other than his lover or close friends. Jax no longer fit into either of those categories, and it behooved him to remember that. The privilege of being let into Noah’s confidence had been lost to him that fateful afternoon in his office.
“Areyouwithsomeone?”
Noah’s question took him by surprise. It definitely wasn’t anything like what he imagined Noah’s response would be, and he was too shocked by it to react as sharply as Noah had reacted tohisquestions earlier. And anyway, what was he keeping a secret? That he was alone and lonely at forty-two? Why did he think Noah would care? His question didn’t mean he’d suddenly developed an interest in Jax.Get over yourself, Prof!He could almost hear Noah’s voice saying those words. He cleared his throat.
“No. There’s no one.” Least said, soonest mended. He would take a leaf out of Noah’s book and offer up as little information as he could. They weren’t back to being friends … yet.
“I’m singleas well.”
Another silence, broken only by the voices of passersby and sea birds. Jax waited. Noah would tell him, or he wouldn’t. If he didn’t, Jax didn’t know how they would spend the next couple of hours. They had nothing in common anymore except their love of music, and something was making Noah give it up, at least for a while.
“The accident exacerbated some issues I was already having, and I can’t play for long periods of time anymore without significant pain, even with therapy and daily exercises. So I won’t be rejoining the tour or the quartet, at least, not as the violinist.”
Noah’s tone was determinedly neutral, but Jax knew at once how deep his anguish must be. Playing wasn’t just his job. It was his vocation. It was an extension of who he was as a man. Jax understood that only too well. And the Barrington String Quartet had taken him to heights very few other young musicians had everreached.
