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Jax’s smile was a brittle fake. “Hell, no. I just didn’t feel like dealing with the ugliness of all that. Rejection is painful for both parties.” His heart squeezed at the memory of the rejection that had broken his heart and that of the manhe loved.
Jim sighed. “Will you miss the fast pace? The state university might seem pretty tame in comparison.”
“No. I’ve had my time living the big-city, music-circuit life. I don’t need Philly or New York or Boston as much now as I did when I started out. Something else is pulling me here … peace. I can pass on my passion to students without sacrificingmy soul.”
“You make yourself sound like a very old man,” Jim protested. “You’re barely in your forties, Jax. You’ve still got the rest of your life ahead of you.”
“I’m not retreating from the world, Jim. I’m just realigning my interests. This college has a nationally, highly respected music program, and I can do my thing and still enjoy living, traveling…-”
“Maybe you’ll finally find the guy you can spend your life with,” Jim interrupted him.
Jax laughed. “You’re never gonna let that go,are you?”
“Why should I? Everyone needs someone to love them. I’ve got Annie, and she has me. You, on the other hand, have no one. You need to stop running away from commitment, my friend.”
Jim’s words gave Jax pause. Is that what he’d been doing? After Noah Santiago, he had shut down his emotions, unwilling to feel again the ache of longing and desire, of love and affection that the younger man had engendered in him. He had done the right thing in stopping things from going any further than they already had. Although he had wanted with his whole soul to make Noah his in every way, it would have been wrong, and he wouldn’t have been able to live with it if anything had happened to break them apart once he had taken the final step. So he had pushed Noah away, breaking both their hearts. Sometimes, love hurt. He sighed. Who was he kidding … love hurt all the damned time.
“Earth to Jax!” Jim’s voice broke into his musings. “Where’d yougo, man?”
“Nowhere.”
The lie slid off his tongue with ease. He had never told anyone about the man he fell in love with and saw no reason to do so now. They hadn’t seen each other in more than ten years. Noah had probably found someone else and moved on with his life. Jax knew the younger man had made quite a career for himself, first with an orchestra on Broadway, then with a well-known philharmonic orchestra, before joining the wildly popular and immensely talented Barrington String Quartet. In his most vulnerable moments, Jax had found himself stalking Noah’s Facebook page to keep up with the younger man’s career. They had become Facebook friends while they were together, and while neither had ever used the connection much then, after the breakup they hadn’t used it at all. Jax had no way of knowing anything personal about Noah, as the only things he posted on his page were careerrelated.
“I was just admiring the view,” he continued, desperate to get Jim’s attention away from him. Searching frantically for something to say, he grinned when his stomach rumbled.
“I think that’s a sign that what I need is food, not love,” he quipped. “Let’s go get Annie and find a nice restaurant for lunch.”
Lunch was a rowdy affair, what with two rambunctious eight-year-old boys making eating difficult for their parents. Jax studied them in one of their quieter moments, and thought about how he was disappointing his mother, who desperately wanted grandchildren. She knew he was gay but still expected him to find a way to bring grandchildren into her life before she passed on. He didn’t think he had it in him to raise children on his own, and he wasn’t prepared to consider adopting any until he had apartner.
Unbidden, Noah intruded into his thoughts again. Jax hadn’t seen any updates from him in almost six months, and he wondered what that meant. Had he gone off with the love of his life? It wasn’t impossible. A lot of people disappeared from Facebook when they found love. Or maybe he was on tour … one of his most recent posts had been about trying for a guest spot with André Rieu on one of the conductor’s concert tours.
Jax shook himself. It was pointless to keep thinking about a man he’d likely never see again, unless he was willing to send him a message on Facebook. He didn’t know why Noah was suddenly appearing in his thoughts, but he was determined to root him out before he found himself lost in memories and depression again. To that end, Jax turned his attention to his godsons.
“The first one of you to finish his lunch without making a mess gets to ride in my car to the festivaltomorrow.”
The boys’ eyes widened. Jax had a red 1969 Ford Mustang with black racer stripes, and they had been asking him for the last two days if he would let them ride in it. He watched in amusement as they settled themselves in their seats and applied themselves to the hot dogs and fries they had ordered. He finished his own meal, pleased that he had managed to do something for Jim and his harried wife. He knew only too well how hard it could be to raise boys. His mother had raised four of them, and after his father had been killed, he had had to help her raise his three brothers and his baby sister. He nodded when Annie thanked himsilently.
“No problem. I used to be just like them. My poor mother thanked God every day when we grew out of this stage.”
They all laughed at that. Jax had never shared much of his life before college with Jim. All his friend knew was that Jax was one of five kids, that his father had been killed in a motorcycle accident, and that his mother now resided in Florida with his sister who was a schoolteacher. Jax hadn’t shared the story of his brother, the ex-con, or of the other two who were Army Rangers. Jim had never asked, and it hadn’t seemed important to speak of those things. He didn’t want to encourage questions that he wasn’t preparedto answer.
After lunch, both boys having been models of good behavior, Jax offered to keep them for a couple of hours so Jim could take Annie for her Ob/Gyn appointment. He took them on a boat ride, and by the time they returned, they were tired enough that he didn’t need to keep calling them to stay with him. Jim and Annie were ready when they got back to the doctor’s office, and they all went hometogether.
Jax’s car was parked on the street in front of Jim’s house, and he noted the small gathering of boys eyeing it from across the street on the lake side ofthe road.
“You boys into cars?” he asked like Captain Obvious, walking over to wherethey were.
A general murmur of agreement was his response. The twins had joined him and stood on either side of him like bodyguards. He could almost feel them preening with the importance that their particular acquaintance with him afforded them.
“How old is it, mister?” one tousle-headedboy asked.
“It rolled off the assembly line in 1969,” Jaxtold him.
“Wow! That means it’s…” he paused to calculate the answer in his head, but another boy beat him tothe punch.
“It’s fifty-three years old? Wow! It’s as old as my dad!”
Jax chuckled. He was not a particularly outgoing guy, but his car invariably garnered him friendly conversation. He knew that if he had chosen to ride his Harley instead, the attention would have been evengreater.
