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“Why didn’t you just switch me to Professor Parks? We could have continued to be discreet, like we’d been doing before. You jumped to the most extreme measure and didn’t even discuss it with me. You treated me like I was a kid who didn’t know what was best forhimself.”
Hurt and anger bubbled in Noah’s tone, and they scorched Jax deep inside where he’d buried hisown hurt.
“I know you weren’t a child, Noah. D’you think that was easier for me? Or that I didn’t think about how I could have done things differently? Hindsight is 20/20. I can’t tell you the number of times I picked up my phone to call you and didn’t. What was I going to say that would make you trust me with your heart again? And how would that have made things better?”
This time the silence was weighed down by all the emotions that had been sparking between them since that first night on this path, since their first meeting in the parking lot outside the music building at the college. It spoke volumes about how much each had meant to the other and how deep the woundshad run.
“God, I couldn’t even stand to hear your name mentioned.” This confession was so quiet that Jax almost didn’t hear it. “I hated you because you made me have to face the rejection alone, because it made me weak, because I knew I shouldn’t be mad at you since I knew why you did it.”
“A clean break, Noah.” Jax had to reiterate what had been so obvious to him back then, even as the pain of hearing that Noah had hated him wrenched at his heartstrings. “That was the only way I could see to manage it without succumbing to my grief over losing you.”
Noah looked up then, as though Jax’s words had struck a chord with him. “Yougrieved?”
Jax stopped himself from touching Noah by a sheer act of will. He pushed his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants, pressing his fingers into his thighs hard enough to leavebruises.
“Every day for the eighteen months where I saw you on campus and went in the opposite direction, or when I heard you practicing and a knife-edge of pain gutted me. Every concert I attended where you performed. Every smile that wasn’t for me, that I knew would never be for me again, was fresh cause for grief.”
Turbulent new waves of heartbreak washed over him as he raked over the memories of those early years after thebreakup.
“At graduation, when you walked across the stage and didn’t look at me, it killed me, Noah. I was so proud of you, so happy for your success, and so desperate to share those high moments with you. I knew it was my own fault that you’d shut me out, but it didn’t make the hurt any easierto bear.”
“Why didn’t you call me after graduation?”
The raw question scraped Jax’s bruised heart. “Why would I call you when I was the one who broke things off? I assumed that if you were still interested, you would callme. I thought I was respecting your need to keep your distance. Why didn’tyoucall me?”
A bitter laugh burst from Noah, surprising Jax. “Is that why after all these years, we’re still mad at each other? Why we’re still caught up in what ifs and whys? Because we didn’t have the guts to call each other?” He heaved a heavy sigh. “I thought you and Jim and the boys were a family when I first saw you at the festival, did you know that? And it burned me to think you’d moved on so far without me as to have kids when I couldn’t even find a guy to start something long-term with.”
Jax let a small smile escape. “Guess we’re both in the same boat then, huh?”
“How’s that?” Noah held his gaze a moment, then looked away.
“I told you I don’t have anyone, Noah. I haven’t had anyone since you.” Sobering words, to be sure, but true nonetheless.
“No one? No one at all? You haven’t had a man since…?” He trailed off.
“No, Noah. I’ve been propositioned and there was even the one guy I told you about who wanted to start something, but I was never interested.”
There seemed to be nothing else to say on the subject. He didn’t think he could bear to hear about Noah’s sexual escapades if he’d become a hookup kinda guy. It was enough to know that they were both single, both hurting, and both scared to open up again, especially to each other. Time to move on to some other topic.
“Have you figured out what you’re going to do now that playing with the quartet is off the table? Is there any other capacity in which you can be with them, so you’re not completely cut off from them?”
“I have a few ideas. Nothing concrete as yet, aside from giving private lessons. I’ll have to see, won’t I?” Noah’s voice had turnedsad again.
“Have you told you father as yet?” Onelast try.
“No.”
Jax understood at once that that one-word response meant the subject was off-limits. What had he done to upset Noah now? He was too old to keep chasing after someone who couldn’t decide what he wanted, and who would probably keep blaming him for his heartbreak no matter how unreasonable that was. Fresh pain welled in his chest. He swallowed it downand stood.
“Well, thanks for checking in with your dad. The kids will be over the moon. I’d better get going now. Call me when you’ve got a plan for an outing.”
He turned, preparing to jog away, when Noah’s grip on his bicep stopped him. He looked over his shoulder at him, impatient to be gone before his pain boiled over into hot tears. He hadn’t wept for Noah in years, and he wasn’t about to start again now.
“Is that all you have to say?” Noah’s voice was wrecked, as though he was struggling to keep himselftogether.
Jax sighed. He didn’t want to keep playing cat and mouse games. Either they would be friends or they wouldn’t, but he was done trying to figure out what Noah wasthinking.
“What do you want me to say, Noah? What am I missing?” He half turned, keeping his frustration from leaking into his voice.Cool andcalm, Jax.
