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Chapter Eighteen
Charlie
The memory came as I walked through the backyard of the estate toward the training grounds, headed to Kane. Apparently, I didn’t have to be asleep for my subconscious to torture me. My body ached like it had that night, left without closure, my orgasm hanging just at the brink of release. I remembered that the loss of his presence tore at my heart, like he’d wrenched a piece of me away with him. I’d wanted him back and had craved his touch like an addict. I hadn’t let myself come, hoping that if I held off, if I denied myself, then he’d return to my dreams sooner.
I stutter-stepped on that thought. I’d expected him to return to me…as if I knew, somewhere deep inside, that he was real, that I was calling to him—that, if I obeyed his commands, he’d come back and finish what he started. And he had…many times over.
Had I been conning myself into believing that it was all a fantasy of my creation?
Yes. No. Maybe?
Ugh!
It was like my brain was determined to convince me that these men, one by one, had already busted through my armor. And if it wasn’t all a fantasy, then the intimacy I’d experienced with these men had definitely pushed well beyond casual hookups with strangers.
I was afraid, like super terrified, that over the last three years, my heart had gotten involved, too. And that was just all kinds of fucked up.
I felt something for them, and it wasn’t just desire battering away at my brain and body. There was more seeping through my denial and the hazy recollections of lusty dreams gone by. The longer I stayed, the more time I spent with them, the weaker my defenses would get.
And I wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad thing.
Luckily for me, there was enough time to cool it before I reached Kane. Even though he had no memories of our time together, I knew if my cheeks were flushed, my body high on desire, wanting things from him that stretched beyond mere fantasy and dreams, that he’d pick up on the fact I was all hot and bothered. He’d definitely smell it on me. He was a wolf, after all.
I jogged the rest of the way to get him out of my system, sprinting the last mile to really pump my heart and work my muscles.
My mind still whirled with ideas and what-ifs, as well as doubts and no-ways.
Levi might have been convinced that I was the one, but I was trying to figure out how to make this work without getting everyone, including myself, killed. It wasn’t like I didn’t have a history of blowing it when the stakes were high. And taking the bite of three males? What? How was that even possible? What would it do to them? To me? Male wolves had never been known to share unless they were tearing prey limb from limb.
I pumped my arms harder, pushing into the run until my lungs screamed and my muscles roared. I knew my face was red by how hot I was, and my skin dripped sweat.
Running probably would have succeeded as a distraction and a disguise for my embarrassment better if Kane hadn’t been stripped down to a pair of tight black shorts doing a Kata in the center of a large field, looking like a bronzed, lick-able god.
I mean, come on! The man screamed sex.
I stopped short and tried to catch my breath, panting not from exertion but from the sight of his glorious muscles flexing and releasing as he moved so smoothly, like his body wasn’t over two hundred pounds of pure male werewolf. His skin was fucking glistening. He was some kind of deity soaking in the sun and adding to his tanned glow.
Get a grip!
I peeled my eyes away from Kane and checked the position of the sun like I was a fucking astronomer. I’d rather burn my retinas than have to soak up his particular brand of sexy.
It was still morning, an hour or so until noon—not that I needed the high sun to tell me that. After eating brunch with Levi, a meal that left me partially satiated, if only because my stomach was full, I’d happened to glance at the giant grandfather clock in the living room on my way out to the field where Levi said Kane was waiting for me.
The sun’s intensely beating rays only added to my hot and bothered discomfort.
I had my hands braced on my lower back, and I was out of breath.
“Your stamina needs some work,” Kane grunted without looking at me or stopping his Kata—a fact that I only knew because I caught his movements in my peripheral sight.
“Whatever.” I leveled my best no-nonsense glare his way. “Where’s the pack? I thought this was about training?”
“A light jog isn’t going to get you back into shape,” he said, ignoring my question. “It’s obvious you’ve been slacking in your training if you’re that out of breath.”
I bristled, anger bubbling to the surface. How would he know what I’m capable of? I resisted the urge to check my muscles, to flex my biceps, and instead shoved aside the desire to ogle him and leveled a harder glare his way.
He’d practically seen me as a werebeast, maybe not in her full glory, but he knew I was capable of ripping his head off when she was around. My size and strength when I was in that form outmatched him any day. I took a step toward him, my fists clenched, jaw tight, holding my beast back with the crudely made mental leash so she didn’t get out of control. I wasn’t ready to go all berserker on him…yet.
“You keep your beast side chained so tight that you’re about to crack.” He wiped his brow with a towel he’d snagged from the side of the field. “Is that what all those masters taught you to do? Keep your beast under lock and key so you don’t cause trouble?”
