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“Luke, I don’t think…..”
“That’s right Angel. Don't think. Go upstairs, put on that gray and pink floral dress we got you for your honors banquet last week and wedges as well. No makeup or perfume. Just brush that beautiful wild hair out and bring that sexy ass back downstairs.”
He kisses my head and smacks my butt in a motion to move and my feet find their wings.
“Oh and my hair is not wild bossy pants. It's always fine until you run your hands through it.” I giggle as I run upstairs.
I grab the dress out of the closet and change all of my undergarments. He made me buy some lacy stuff when we went shopping last week and I have yet to wear any of them, but tonight seems like a good night.
Macy would have loved to go to that store with me last night……. Oh Mace, why? We were supposed to do all of this together. We were supposed to be the pillars for each other. Now here I am finding some semblance of happiness and every time I do, I feel guilty as all hell about it, because you are not experiencing it with me.
I love you so much Macy. But I hate you too.
I allow myself to cry for a few minutes. Then I shake it out as best I can and continue getting dressed. I won’t ruin this night for Luke. Even if I feel less enthused about it. All he has done and continues to do for me even, when I protest when he wants to go out and have a good time, I will show up. No matter how I feel.
With that mantra in my head, I continue getting dressed and when I finally can fake a smile on my face I walk downstairs and almost drop to the floor. He is the most stunning man I have ever seen. Standing before me at the bottom of the stairs, dressed in a sport coat, and slacks with his shirt partially unbuttoned is the man that stars in plenty of my dreams right now. I feel so privileged to be seen with me tonight.
“No Angel. You have that backwards. It is I who am the privileged one.”
My cheeks turn into roses I am sure. I can’t believe I said that out loud.
“Come on gorgeous. The night is young. Let’s go.”
We walked out to the car hand in hand which is something we do anytime we go anywhere together, and I really look forward to it. Just the connection to someone else is something I crave.
Ok, ok. I crave him. All of him and anyway I can get him. Each and every time we have one of those off the charts make out sessions, I find myself molesting him. Almost trying to make him take it further and every time he won’t it is so freaking frustrating that I end up in the bathroom trying to make it happen for myself. But I can’t bring myself to touch myself and then I stomp out of the bathroom pouty and stampy. He always laughs at me and says, “in due time Angel. You're almost ready. Just giving you a little more time to grieve.” and when he says that I swoon of course, and all is forgiven.
“So where are we going?”
“Well, the other day you said there was a ballet in town you wish you could see. So I looked it up, got the tickets, and voila.”
Is he serious? Oh my God. If I didn’t already love him with everything I am, this would have done it.
“Are you serious? Luke. Oh my God. I don’t know what to say. What will I ever do to repay you for all of this? I can never give you a fraction of what you have given me.”
I lay my head onto his chest and cry the tears that have been threatening to appear ever since the first week I moved in with him. It turns out I walked into a whole new wardrobe and every Apple product that he could get his hands on. I cry for the little girl that feels like a princess every day. I cry for the love I am not sure he will feel for me like I do for him. And I cry for my friend who should be enjoying this life with me. I feel his arms come around me and I squeeze myself into him harder. If he never bought me anything else, just feeling this secure and looked after will be enough. Oh and the making out couldn’t hurt.
“Oh my Angel. You have no idea how much you give me every day when I get to wake up with you in my arms. And how much you will give me when the time comes. Because once we take that step, that will be it. You will be mine forever baby. Hence the reason for the time I am giving you. Now come on slowpoke. Let’s go.”
And with that explanation, we go to the ballet, and I had never felt more cherished and happier in well…. ever.
Chapter Ten
LUKE
It has been exactly two months since we went to the ballet, and it has been the hardest two months of my life. Every day and night I spend with Lydia, I can feel it changing me in infinite ways.
For one, I no longer sit alone in the dark when she isn’t home and dream of how my sister would look. What her life would be like. I mean of course I think about her every day, but it is more of a consistent hum that will never go away versus the constant, aching, nagging, pain and guilt I have been carrying ever since she died.
No. My angel has turned me into a person that planned more for the future, than just work. Before her, I was content to design houses and sit back and live for nothing else. Now with her, I want it all.
I know it has been driving her crazy that I won’t take it all the way, but I have been waiting for the sign that shows me she is ready. And yesterday, I saw it. We went to the movies, down to the theater that shows old movies and new old movies. Anyway, we went because they were having some sort of Harry Potter night and she mentioned that she and Macy used to be obsessed over all things Harry Potter. I fully expected there to be a breakdown of sorts at some point throughout the night, but much to my surprise and elation, there wasn’t. She was able to tell me a story about her and Macy watching the second movie and get through the whole thing without one tear. She just looked sort of, fond of the memory.
And that was the sign I was looking for. When she was finally able to talk about Macy and not cry, break down, or get this look in her face that lets me know she is checking out on me mentally, then I knew it was time to take things to the next level. She has come to the final stage of her grief. Acceptance.
Which is why I planned an awesome night for the following night. I ordered food, bought candles, roses, and some smell good crap I read about on the internet on how to make a girl's first time special. When she got home that night from her study session with her group, I surprised her at the door with dinner. All throughout the whole time she ate, she eye-balled me like she thought I was crazy. She kept asking me what was going on, but in lieu of answering her I figured as she walked into the bedroom she would figure it out. And I was right.
“Tonight? Like right now tonight? Why? No. I don’t mean that how it sounds, I swear. I guess I am just wondering why now and not the other nights.”
