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“Holden, what’s going on?” I asked as I sat in the cushioned chair next to him. “Did you get any of my messages?”
He looked up at me. “Huh? Oh, no. Sorry. I’m not even sure where my phone is.”
What in the ever-loving hell was going on? I put my hand on the back of his neck and squeezed. “Hey, talk to me. What’s up?”
He put the beer bottle on the cobblestones and scrubbed both hands down his face, wincing and letting out a sound of pain. Clearly, he’d forgotten to take things easy with his right side.
“So, um…I had an appointment with Merrick today, as you know.”
Yeah, I did know that. “And?” I asked, digging my thumb into the tight muscles of his neck on his good side.
“So, ah, that shadow. It’s definitely something. He said that I need another surgery.”
I was taken aback. I hadn’t heard anything about this, and I was part of Holden’s team. Maybe the report just hadn’t made it across my desk before I left for the day, but generally Merrick or Tate called me with things that had to do with Holden. Especially important stuff like this.
I leaned in and placed a kiss on his shoulder. “Holden, it’s okay. You’ve made it through this much. One more surgery is just a small hurdle. And it’s likely only exploratory to start. You’re making great strides, and the good news is that you’re strong enough to have another procedure. Did he say when he wants to schedule it?”
“Immediately. Like in the next day or so.” He visibly bit the inside of his lip and looked away from me, and I knew that he was fighting some really strong emotions.
Well, shit.
He pushed out his lips and took a deep breath through his nose, and that’s when I caught the glimmer of a water droplet on his cheek before he dashed it away with the back of his hand. “Everything’s been taken from me, Tamryn. My career. My plans for my future. My opportunity to raise that trophy again. My mobility. And now my chance to see my team and my friends in Miami.” He rubbed his forehead with the heel of his hand. “I have nothing left.”
“Holden, we’ve had this discussion before. That’s not true. And it hurts me to hear you say that.” I took a breath and braced myself. I knew I needed to tell Holden my story. He needed to understand.
I got more comfortable on the chair. “Holden. Will you look at me please?”
He did, but he still looked so distant. I reached out to grab his hand and linked our fingers together. “I’ve talked about my dad before, but I’m not sure you know the story. I’d like to tell you if you’re willing to listen. It might help put some things in perspective and let you see things from a different point of view.”
I saw a bit of the shadows dissipate from his eyes, and then he lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles. “I could use the distraction. And I’d love to learn more about you.”
I steeled myself to relay the most painful story I owned. “My dad was a running back in the league. He played for three different teams, but made the biggest splash in Cleveland.” I took a deep breath. “When I was ten, he was at the peak of his career and only getting better. He had a family who loved him, and his entire life ahead of him. Until he got hurt in the playoffs, kind of like you did.”
I felt Holden’s tension even more than I saw it, but he rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand, silently urging me to continue. “It was serious. He broke his back and had a really long road ahead of him. Luckily, he didn’t lose the use of his legs, but he was in constant pain, and, of course, couldn’t play anymore. He was told he couldn’t even coach because he would need mobility for that. Would need to stand on the sidelines. And he just couldn’t.” I felt the tears well up in my eyes and swallowed them back, along with the lump in my throat.
“My entire twelfth year was rife with pain and anger. Dad and Mom fought all the time. Dad became angry and bitter and, like so many do, took it out on those closest to him. He never got violent, not physically, at least. But he was emotionally abusive.” I took back my hand and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear, then relinked my fingers with Holden’s. He never moved his gaze from my face.
“He insisted that he had nothing left to live for, despite having Mom and me. We loved him. We would have done anything for him. We did do everything for him, including packing up and leaving when he decided it was too hard to stay in Ohio.” I bit my lip. “I will never forget the look on his face, Holden. The utter and complete despair. The way he turned down excellent job offers from ESPN and Fox Sports because he couldn’t get out of the mire of depression he was stuck in. We tried to get him help, but he refused. We tried to talk him down from the proverbial ledge, but he wouldn’t listen.”
My tears came freely now, and Holden leaned in, wiping them away with his thumb. “The day after I turned thirteen, I came home from school to a driveway full of cop cars and fire trucks and an ambulance. Mom wouldn’t even let me into the house. He left a note for her.” I hiccupped a sob.
Holden cupped my cheek. “I am so, so sorry, Tamryn. I would never do that. I’m man enough to admit that I’m depressed, and yes, I said some things that sounded pretty grim, but I’m okay. At least, I will be okay. We’ll be all right.”
I kissed him. I had to. Baring my soul like that had been hard, but it was necessary, and I think I got through to him a bit, too.
“So, that’s part of the reason I became a team doctor. I refused to let an injury devastate a player like what happened to my father. I needed to make sure people knew there were options. Remind them they matter. And I got my tattoo to remind me of all that. It’s my dad’s fingerprint that he had on file with the team. I had it made into the football to remind me that the game is part of my DNA. Literally.”
“Wow, that’s amazing. And I respect the hell out of you for doing what you do,” Holden said, kissing me again. “I’m sorry if I scared you. And I’m glad you’re here with me.”
I cuddled into him. “I’m glad I’m here, too.”
I had just bared my soul to Holden Cramer.
But if I were honest with myself, he already owned my heart.
What was one more thing?
Chapter Thirteen
