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Trust.
Loyalty.
Respect.
Communication.
His way of reminding me that it was okay for me to openly communicate my thoughts and feelings. He expected me to express myself, even if it wasn’t always what he wanted or needed to hear.
“I understand and know that his fear of a child in his image is a reflection of how he feels about himself. It’s not aboutusand notmespecifically…” I looked at my husband. My eyes to his so that he could not just hear me. He needed to feel my truth just as profoundly.
“I love you. Everything that you are and everything that you’re not because it’syou. You’renotwhat the world may feel is the standard or normal but who the fuck cares what the world thinks? You’re mine. My opinion, my voice, my love is all that matters. I love all ofyouand whatever parts of you this child may inherit I will love just as wholly and completely. I will always love you the way that you love me and more importantly the way that you deserve. That same love is what our child will deserve. You won’t let anyone make them feel less than because you understand how devastating that can be. You won’t let anyone hurt our child physically or with their thoughts or actions because you’re a protector.Myprotector and you will be our child’s protector as well. I’m not worried. I’veneverbeen worried.”
“Elias…” Dr. Shore edged him cautiously. I knew why. I could feel it too. My husband was overwhelmed. He needed a minute to process.
After a long moment of silence he released my hand and stood, crossing the room. His back was to us and my eyes drifted to Dr. Shore who silently communicated that the decision was mine. Some things he helped us navigate, others he left in our hands. He did so to always make sure he didn’t become a crutch in our relationship. I appreciated his consideration and honesty.
You decide if you want to go to him or if he needs space.
I stood and walked toward my husband. Stepping in front of him, I circled his waist and rested my head on his chest.
“Talk to me.”
Silence.
He did however close me in his arms and kiss the top of my head.
“You want this baby?”
“Yes,” I released on a soft exhale.
“Me too.”
But…
“Tell me?” I said softly.
He held me tighter. “I don’t want you to be disappointed.”
They way my parents were…
It hurt to know that was what he was feeling. Even if he didn’t say it. I knew.
“This baby is you, Elias. I could never be disappointed.”
I lifted my chin and he lowered his face until his hovered over mine. Eyes expressive with his struggle while he searched mine. He found what he needed because his body relaxed and a smile surfaced slowly. So incredibly fucking slowly.
“Then we do this.”
“You sure?” My heart felt lighter while I waited for the final confirmation.
“Yeah I’m sure.” His voice was confident and strong.
“I love you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah…” I smiled wide and his mirrored mine before he kissed me.
