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But it’s unavoidable.
“I’m considering a different combination of my meds. ”
I stared at her, searching for any signs of emotion but she schooled them all. Nothing. She gave me absolutely nothing.
She was good at this too.
“From what I can tell, you’ve only made a few changes within the past three years and that was within the first years. That’s common when you’re trying to find the right combination. You’ve been on the same meds for a while now. Is there a new concern?”
A very new concern.
My future wife.
“I’ve recently come home, which you know. New environment, old stressors. I just need to make a few adjustments. I’m not sleeping much and I feel more agitated than usual.”
“I see.” She smiled softly. “It might be helpful to discuss the recent changes. Have you experienced any sporadic cycling?”
“No, but I can feel them pushing to the surface.”
“Depression or mania?”
“Both at different times but back-to-back.”
“You mentioned old stressors. Like I said, I read your file in its entirety. You were diagnosed at age thirteen. The first few years were a little rough with finding the right balance but you settled into things by late teens early twenties. You managed to live a pretty consistent and normal life…”
“There isn’t a damn thing normal about my life. How my brain works, how I handle things, is not fucking normal.”
“The definition of normal translates to everyone differently. My definition of normal is the ability to move about and function in society without cause for concern. Normal is not meeting a predetermined standard of expectation that society deems acceptable to maintaining their comfort levels. You’ve been doing that, Elias. Or rather did until just before your brother died, Lucas, right?”
This wasn’t why I was here. I didn’t need this type of therapy. I was well aware of my issues. My feelings about my life, my family, and how I was forced to deal with losing someone important to me. I was here to get her to change my meds to hopefully settle the unease that was growing beneath the surface.
“Lucas is not relevant to why I’m here today.” My tone was even but not welcoming. I’d managed to somewhat mask my emotions over the years. She was doing her job, I wouldn’t penalize her for doing so but I wasn’t going to entertain subjects that weren’t relevant.
“Possibly not, my only reason for bringing it up is that Lucas was murdered here. You have just recently returned home. You left a few weeks after his death and to my understanding haven’t been back since. Losing your brother, Elias, was the first time you allowed the disorder to consume you. You spent thirty days under psychiatric hospitalization…”
My eyes snapped up to hers. Ezhad pretty much erased that history or so I thought. She arched a brow before saying. “I only take patents that are fully open with me. When you signed over your files you allowed me access to all of your medical records. Even the ones that your family managed to make magically disappear.”
“I’m not here because of Lucas,” I gritted.
“Then tell me why you are here.”
I don’t want to destroy my wife with my inability to maintain mental balance.
“I’m getting married in a few weeks.” My fingers flexed several times, opening and closing into a fist.
“Weddings can be stressful.”
Especially when they’re dropped in your lap with no warning.
“Yeah.”
“Is it just the wedding that’s causing your unease?”
A rough laugh dragged from my throat. “Fuck no. It’s not even the wedding. It’s the woman I’m marrying.”
“I see. And what about her, specifically.”
“She’s not like me. She’ll expect things that I’m not sure I can give because we’re different. Balance, a family, normal shit that most people don’t have to question whether or not they’re capable of.”
