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“Then your problem is self-imposed. Why do you want to wait?”
Did I really want to have this conversation with him? I stared at my brother who stared back and eventually brushed a hand over his head, lowering his eyes to the floor before they met mine again.
“Tonight I admitted to servicing myself while paying a woman to do the same so that I could get my shit off. You really think I can say anything about what you have going on?”
I chuckled, shrugging. “There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing. You take your vows seriously. I told you I respect your commitment.”
“Yeah well, give me a fucking humanitarian award and a gotdamn divorce.”
“It’s coming, the divorce that is.”
“Not soon enough,” he muttered.
I leaned against the wall, spreading my feet to hold my weight and locked my arms over my chest. “I haven’t had sex with a woman who I allowed to participate in a few years.”
“Sounds like your struggle isn’t all that different from mine.” He grinned arrogantly and I shook my head laughing.
“Nah, we aren’t the same, Ez. My dick and her pussy were involved, but I don’t let them touch me. It’s strictly me fucking them. Usually, hands bound or placed on something to make sure I’m in complete control and never in my bed or theirs. Shit, I can’t remember the last time I actually fucked in a bed.”
“Why?”
“Sex for me was just like the drugs and alcohol. Just as dangerous and just as addicting. The only way to keep myself from slipping back into the space was to keep my interactions controlled. Once I got my head clear…”
My gaze met his, communicating the rest. After he forced me into the psych ward.
“It was easy to let go of the drugs and alcohol. The urges were different with both of those but with sex…” I shrugged, smiling arrogantly. “I needed it. I wasn’t trying to be a monk or no shit like that but I had to be mindful about the hold it could possibly still have on me.”
“You worried about how that’s going to translate with Cress?”
“Hard not to be. I already crave her. Seeds don’t grow unless you water and nurture them. I don’t want to fuck this up. I don’t want to disappoint her, you, or hell, me. But I feel it, pulsing beneath my skin. I feel the addiction growing. This time it feels different.”
I looked away. “Sometimes with the shit that goes on up here…” I tapped my temple. “It’s hard to know what’s real. The lines get blurred with what I really feel versus what my mind tricks me to believe I feel. I don’t want to fuck this up,” I said again.
“Then don’t,” he said matter of factly, drawing my eyes back to him. “I know it’s not all black and white with you. I’ll never pretend to understand how your brain works but what I do know is when you truly feel something you do whatever it takes so that you protect it at all costs. That filters over to the people you care about. You’re not damaged or crazy or a monster. All those things were his labels. That’s not who you are and you have never disappointed me.Ever.”
When my eyes questioned his truth, he shook his head.
“What happened to Lucas was not your fault. Neither was it mine or Christian’s, Cress’s, or any other person’s in that family. The fault lies completely on Cole Devereaux. He made the decision to take a life. He was responsible. I have never blamedyouand I never will. You need to stop blamingyourself.”
He stood and walked over to me. “If you really want this with Cress and you don’t want to fuck it up, then don’t.” He shrugged. “You might not trust what you feel because of the shit in your head. Maybe it’s that you don’t know her the way you believe you should in order to trulyfeelsomething for her but what I know for a fact is you don’t have to know someone to love them. You just have to know their heart. After last night when you handed her your trust, she showed you her heart, Lias. She didn’t run. She didn’t condemn you or place any of those labels on you that others so easily have. People who were supposed to love you and protect you. She’s still in this. Withyou.”
He left and I released the weight of my worries. They weren’t entirely gone but they were a little less prevalent.
SIXTEEN
cress
“You’re getting married tomorrow.”
I grinned with my eyes closed, enjoying the calm before the chaos.
“I’m aware.”
Trini and I had just spent the last four hours being pampered at Rejuvenate. It was my go-to when I needed to relax and unwind but today was on an entirely different level. I wasn’t sure if the services received always existed or if this was yet another one of Elias’s perks but either way, our experience today had been top tier.
Ginger sea salt scrub with lemony aromas, jasmine rose clay wrap with orange blossom mist which was finished off with a tangerine body butter. Chef’s kiss!
Afterwards we experienced a herbal hand and foot massage with rose quartz, foot steam, and hot towel hydration. I was in heaven. To end with a cold-pressed plant extract facial massage that hydrated and calmed leaving my skin glowing and blemish free was top notch. All the other little perks throughout the day such as an individual menu of tasty treats and wine had me floating and completely in love with this place. I would definitely be upgrading my monthly routine here from now on. Once you crossed that line, you couldnotgo back.
