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“So, what are you thinking of?” she asked as she set a cup of tea down on the table by her daughter’s chair and sat opposite her at the kitchen table, smiling in what she hoped was a cheerful and expectant way.
“Well, there’s a BTech in equine studies,” Mairi ventured rather shyly. “There’s a degree program over in Usk that offers it. That’s only about twenty minutes away. I know it’s not the same as A levels, and it might limit me career-wise, but I’ve realized how much I like riding Mabel, and just horses in general, and I’ve missed it this last year. A lot.”
“I think Mabel has missed you,” Sarah replied. She was glad her daughter had come to this realization, even if part of her was still surprised and a bit worried about what it might mean. Even so, she knew Mairi had to make her own choices. “I think that sounds like an interesting idea,” she told her daughter. “We should definitely look into it.”
Mairi looked nothing short of completely gobsmacked. “Er… really?” she stammered. “You don’t mind me not doing A levels?”
Sarah smiled and lifted her shoulders in a shrug. “I don’t mind, if this is what you think you really want to do. I’d like to find out some more information, of course, and make sure you have a proper think about it, but, like I said… if it’s what you want to do, Mairi, then great.”
Mairi shook her head slowly as she gave a shaky laugh. “I didn’t expect you to say that.”
Sarah smiled faintly. “Well, maybe I’ve changed a little bit, in that regard.”
“Yeah.” Her daughter gave her a direct look. “You have.”
“And is that a good thing?” Sarah asked, managing to keep her voice light, although she knew she cared rather a lot about Mairi’s answer.
Mairi nodded slowly. “Yes,” she said, her voice firm as a smile dawned on her face like the sun peeking over the horizon. “It is.”
They lapsed into silence then, a more comfortable one than Sarah had experienced with her daughter in a long time. Outside, snow heaped the windowsills like mounds of icing; every branch and tree was similarly softly covered, making the whole world seemed hushed and still, a fairyland of ice and snow, perfect for Christmas—guests or not. It was an incredibly beautiful place, she thought with a touch of nostalgia, of gratitude. She’d lived so close to the inn all her life, she’d started to take it for granted, but she wouldn’t any longer. She’d try not to.
“What do you think Dad will say about it?” Mairi asked as she picked up her mug of tea and cradled it between her hands. “Me not doing A levels?”
Sarah couldn’t keep from giving a small sigh. “I don’t know, but I hope he’ll be as pleased and proud of you as I am.”
Mairi nodded slowly. “You’ve changed,” she said, “but he has, too.”
Sarah tensed, not wanting to say anything that would influence her daughter against Nathan. He was still her father, after all, even if he seemed to have—temporarily, she hoped—forgotten that fact. “In what way, do you think?” she asked.
Mairi shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s just seemed like when he’s with us, he’d rather be somewhere else. After a while, it starts to feel kind of… hurtful, I guess.” She ducked her head. “I don’t really want to be around someone like that, to be honest.”
“Your dad is having a bit of a blip, it’s true,” Sarah replied carefully. “But he still loves you and Owen very much.”
Mairi made a face. “Yeah, but youhaveto say that.”
“It’s true, sweetheart.” Sarah knew she had to believe that. And shedidbelieve it. Whatever happened between her and Nathan, she believed he would be there for his kids. He’d messaged them several times since the snowstorm, and they’d had a video chat, as well. He was trying, in his own way, and she was trying to let that be enough, for now.
“I know it’s true, really,” Mairi replied, wrinkling her nose, “but at some point, it’s a little bit like, ‘what have you done for me lately?’”
Sarah let out a sad, little laugh of acknowledgement. “Yes, I suppose it is,” she agreed. “But he’ll come around.” Especially, perhaps, after spending Christmas alone in a corporate flat in Cardiff. He’d been planning to spend Christmas Eve with the kids; obviously that couldn’t happen now. He might be missing them quite a lot.
“You must be feeling that way, Mum,” Mairi said a bit hesitantly. “I mean, we’re his kids, but you’re his wife.”
Sarah paused as she tried to frame her thoughts in a way she could reasonably express to her daughter. “Yes, it’s hard,” she finally admitted, “and it hurts. But we don’t know what the future holds.”
Mairi raised her eyebrows. “Do you think you and Dad will get back together?”
“I don’t know.” And, Sarah realized, she was actually okay with not knowing. She was learning to exist in the present, something she had to keep reminding herself to do, but it gave her a certain sense of peace that she’d never had before. Maybe Nathan would decide for certain that their marriage was over, or maybe he would ask her to try again… and maybe she would say yes. “But in the meantime,” she told Mairi, “I’m thinking about what I want to do with my life, just as you’re thinking about what to do with yours. I’m not sure I want to work as an accountant anymore.”
“You don’t?” Her daughter looked almost comically surprised. It was hard to understand and accept, Sarah knew, that your parents had dreams and hopes and lives just like you did. She’d felt the same about her mother and John, although she wasn’t sure where that was going—if anywhere—now. Still, her mother had a right to her own life, whatever that meant, just as she had a right to hers.
“No, I don’t,” she replied. “And I was sort of playing with the idea—the really rather crazy idea—of opening my own stable yard.”
“What!” Mairi looked dumbfounded, and Sarah let out a little laugh.
“I know it might sound like something completely out of left field, but Trina’s selling up, as you know, and the Riding for the Disabled program is going to have to go all the way to Chepstow,” Sarah explained.
“But…where?” Mairi asked. “I mean, would you buy a stable yard? Trina’s?”
