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I played along for years. I allowed her to fall in love with him when I knew it wasn’t real. Instead, I took the coward’s way out, staying involved in her life just enough that it satisfied my fucked-up need for her.
But it wasn’t enough. It will never be enough.
5
EMERY
My eyes burn, and I blink rapidly, the sun hitting me right in the face and blinding me. I feel hungover even though I know I didn’t drink that much last night. My head pounds, and my ears ring.
Did I sleep with my makeup on?
My fingers touch my eyes and I feel the fake eyelashes from last night. I look down my body and see I’m still wearing my gown. Then it all comes rushing back. I sit up, tossing the covers from my body when I realize it wasn’t a nightmare and I’m still in Mads’ bedroom.
“Good morning.” The tenor of his voice is even deeper than normal, gravelly.
“What happened? Where’s Dane?” I stand up quickly, my head spinning, making me stumble. He half stands, darting his arm out to catch me when I see it. Blood. All over Mads’ shirt. “Is that—?” I can’t even finish the sentence; my stomach rolls and I dry heave.
“Emery. Emery, I need you to sit down and listen to me.” His hands are on my shoulders. “Look at me.” I try to focus on him, but my stomach is flipping upside down. I already know that whatever he’s going to tell me is going to end in tragedy.
“Where’s Dane?” I shout again, shrugging his hands off me. “Take me to him right now!” My attempt to keep my voice steady is useless.
“I tried—” he says softly. “I tried to stop him, but Dane—”
“No.” My voice doesn’t even sound like my own. “No,” I repeat again as the tears overflow my eyes. My ears fill with the sound of rushing water as my chest heaves violently. The room begins to spin before he can finish his sentence.
“He—he’s gone Emery.”
An animalistic scream rips from my body as I go limp on the bed. Everything inside me feels foreign. I can’t understand the words Mads is saying to me. I watch his mouth move but there’s no sound, only my own sobs. I’m hyperventilating, my body shaking as I repeat the same chant over and over again. “This isn’t real.”
“Breathe, Emery. You’re going to make yourself sick.” Mads words do nothing to calm me down. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to make sense of what is happening right now but it’s no use.
“What happened?” I ask finally as I turn to look at him.
He stares at me, hesitating like it’s too awful to say the words out loud.
“He took his own life.”
I don’t know how long I sit in total silence. I can’t believe it. I refuse to believe it. “No, no,” I say, shaking my head. “There’s no way. You’re wrong. He would never.” I hear myself, realizing that this is what everyone says in this kind of a situation. But Dane, I know he wouldn’t do this. I know I’m right. Mads sits silently beside me, his face stoic, almost emotionless.
“Why?” I scream at the top of my lungs, lunging toward him, pounding my hands against his chest. “Take me to him,” I plead. “I need to see him.”
“You can’t, Emery!” His fingers dig into my flesh. “You can’t see him right now.”
I fall into Mads’ arms, my body going limp as tears pour from my body harder than I knew was possible. His shirt is soaked from my tears, the moisture mixing with the blood in some spots, turning it pink. When I lift my head again, the throbbing at my temples blurs my vision.
“Why? Why did he do it?” There’s nothing Mads can say that will make me understand why the man I thought I knew, the man I thought I was going to grow old with, took his own life. But it’s human nature to want to try and make sense of things.
“The merger, it went south. The partners at the other firm rejected it and he had leveraged himself way too much to take that kind of loss. He was going to be financially ruined.”
“Ruined?” I ask in disbelief. “I’m worth more than him ten times over; he isn’t ruined.”
“He was ashamed. He didn’t want to ask you for money. You know Dane was too proud for that. He was self-made.” Mads shakes his head and for the first time I realize how hard this must be on him too. “He didn’t want to be seen as a failure who was just using his wife’s money.”
My shoulders fall. He was hurting, desperate, and I had no idea. My lip begins to quiver again as a few more tears fall. “How’d I not know? I feel like I failed him.” I hang my head, Mads’ arm wrapping around me.
“You can’t think like that. It wasn’t your job to know that. He hid it so well, nobody knew.”
“He seemed so happy.” Another sob overtakes me. “I can’t believe I’m speaking about him in the past tense. This isn’t real; this can’t be real.” I squeeze my eyes shut, shaking my head like if I say it enough times this will all go away.
