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“I wish there was something I could say to make it better.”
I never thought it would take something like this for Mads to show an ounce of empathy. I glance up at him. His eyes are dry. I know he has to save face, but he must be hurting too. “Were you—were you there?”
“Emery.” He hangs his head. “This conversation won’t help you.”
“Didyouknow?” I stand up from the bed, a cold chill settling over me. “You knew,” I say slowly when I see the look on his face. “You knew he was going to do it and that’s why you brought me here?” I lunge at him to push him, but he grabs my hands and spins me around to pin me to the bed.
“I did it to protect you, Emery! You didn’t need to see that. Nobody needs to see that or live through it.”
“Get off me, you asshole!” I try to knee him, but he spreads his thighs, pushing my legs apart.
“Stop it!” he shouts, his grip tightening on my arms. “I did it to protect you! There was nothing I could do or say to talk him out of taking his own life, but I tried. He didn’t want you there. That’s why he told me to take you to my place, but I couldn’t fucking tell you that last night.”
I still my movements, both of us breathing hard as we look at each other. Finally, he moves himself off me and takes a seat back on the bed.
“I tried to fix it so it wouldn’t end this way, Em. I really did, but I failed.”
“I just don’t understand,” I say again, staring up at the ceiling. “I’ll never understand.”
“Nobody will.”
“Are the police at my house?”
He nods. “I called my contact at the precinct after. I told him what happened, and they sent a car. I spoke to them briefly, but I told them I needed to be the one to tell you, that you were back here.”
I crook my head. “They didn’t wonder why I wasn’t home? Or where Andy was?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “I told them that Dane sends Andy home on Friday nights and that he had told me to take you to my place. He had told me that there was a surprise for you at the house that he didn’t want you seeing without him—something for your anniversary. I told them that I believed it at first, so I took you to my place, but something in my gut felt it was off. That’s why I went back to your house after dropping you here.”
“Is that true?”
He looks over at me. “Yes.”
“Why’d you suspect something?”
“Because we’re best friends. I know him.”
“I know him, Mads,” I say angrily as I point to my chest. “I should have noticed something.” My voice quivers as guilt racks my body.
“Stop it, Em. I wasn’t insinuating that. He seemed off and he had been off since the merger started falling apart which you didn’t know anything about. He told me Wednesday when it happened. He was distraught. I’d never seen him like that before. He said he was a fraud and a failure, that he’d spent his entire life trying to be like us, like the rich and powerful, and while he got a taste of it, he couldn’t make it work. He said he was nothing. He kept it from you so that you wouldn’t suspect something.”
My heart feels like it’s physically shattering. I clutch at my chest, gasping for air as the room begins to spin. My body can’t produce any more tears. Something I remember my mother telling me comes back to me in this moment. I had asked her if she ever felt robbed of falling in love and marrying her soulmate after she told me that her marriage to my father was arranged. She held my hand and smiled at me, always trying to make the best of any situation.
“I won’t lie, I have felt like that before and while I do love your father because he gave me you, I don’t love him in the soulmate kind of way. So,” she said with a big smile like it was a happy thing, “I guess the good news is I’ll never experience the loss of that kind of love or the sorrow that accompanies that loss. Silver lining.”
She had tapped the end of my nose, winking at me. At the time I remember thinking it made sense, but now that I’m older, I realize just how sad that outlook really is. She did the best with what she was handed in life… even if it came wrapped in a billion-dollar bow.
* * *
The next few days are a complete blur. I’ve heard people say that phrase. I’ve even said that phrase before, but I never understood it until now.
I stare at my hollow eyes in the mirror. My skin has lost its youthful glow, replaced with a gray pallor that makes me look ill. The lack of makeup is only making it worse, but I refuse to go into our bedroom. After asking him several times where it happened, Mads finally told me. I would have known anyway by the smell of bleach and other strong cleaning agents that permeated the room. Not to mention, the missing chair and large chunk of carpet.
“Do you need me to get something, Mrs. Ashford?” I stare down the hallway into my bedroom. “Mrs. Ashford?”
“Hmm?” I turn around to see Tilly, my housekeeper, smiling.
“Did you need me to get you more clothes from the bedroom?”
