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Herrath glared at me. “My family is doing what it takes to survive. Just like you did today.”
I scoffed. “By marrying the snakes?”
“Yes,” he hissed. “Because we’re out of money and no one has pockets like a Vennorin, other than the royal house, which they also married into. We all do things we don’t want to do.”
“Spoken like a Tavador, ‘We Remain.’ With no mention of how you survive, or what’s left of your conscience afterward.”
He ran a hand over his face. “I didn’t come in here to fight, Theron.”
“Then why did you come?” I demanded. “We both know I don’t trust you. Not after Calyx.”
He winced, his eyes flooding black. “I never meant for that to happen. I don’t have a choice, Theron. My mother and father live on a stipend provided by Raura. If I stop doing what she says, then my family loses everything. Why do you think they’re so keen on me marrying? My bride will have to bring a hefty dowry to satisfy my mother.” Bitterness dripped from each word. “Do you think your situation is unique? That you’re the only one in the empire railing against what’s asked of you, wishing life was different?” I didn’t speak, and he continued. “You’re not. But we all have an obligation to keep the peace and do what we can for the ones we cherish most.” His voice trailed off in a whisper. “That’s all we can do.”
“Who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself?”
Herrath stepped away from me, his face unreadable. “I’m attempting to persuade you, Theron. You have to understand that sometimes it doesn’t matter what we want or who we love—“ His voice broke and he took a deep breath, steadying himself. “Just know that you’re not alone.”
I looked down at the healing plate in my hand, a surge of conflicting emotions warring within me. He was right in a way- we all had our struggles, our own battles to fight. But that didn’t mean I had to accept this life of killing and oppression. There had to be a way to make a change, to break free from the cycle of violence. I couldn’t just ignore my responsibilities as an Axidor. But I didn’t want to merely accept the things I had done—what I had allowed to happen. I wanted to make it right. But I couldn’t; not without sacrificing myself.
A strained silence settled between us. I was about to break it when the door swung open and Mirijana walked in with Kael following her. Herrath’s eyes fly wide with surprise as if he hadn’t expected to see them here. He recovered quickly, though, his face unreadable once more.
“Mirijana, Kael,” he said, unable to control the flush that crept up his neck as he inclined his head to my concubine and servant.
Kael crossed her arms over her chest and gave him an icy stare. There was a palpable tension that hung between them for a few moments before she finally spoke, her voice low and controlled. “Any more advice for me?” She lifted a brow in challenge.
He glanced at me and Mirijana before shaking his head. “No, though what we discussed previously still stands.” He excused himself a moment later, Mirijana watching him go with a nervous expression. As Herrath left the suite, his words echoed in my mind. He was right about one more thing; I wasn’t alone. But it didn’t bring me any comfort. It made things worse. If everyone was alright with what had happened today, then how could I ever hope to change anything?
“I’ll go prepare a meal for you two, Lord Marshal,” Mirijana said, following Herrath out, no doubt wanting to escape the tension that had descended the moment Kael and I locked eyes. The room was silent after she left. The pounding of my heart in my chest was the only sound I could hear. Kael didn’t speak, her face stoic as ever.
“So, what did he say?” Kael asked, and I had the distinct impression that she didn’t care for Herrath.
I finished healing my hands, setting aside the electrum plate. “He told me that sometimes you have to do things you regret to survive.” I turned away from her, walking over to the armor rack on the wall and running a finger along one of the bones. “That ‘it’s all we can do.’”
Kael stepped closer, her emerald gaze devoid of emotion. “And what do you think? Do you believe him?”
I pursed my lips together, my heart heavy with guilt as I thought back to all the people I had killed in cold blood because of Varzorn’s orders. Innocent people who had done nothing wrong but simply stood in his way. Like the three she watched me murder yesterday. I didn’t want to imagine what would have happened to her, Rae, the others if I had refused. It was a weight that felt like it would never leave me, regardless of how much I tried to push it away.
“Yes,” I murmured, still not facing her. “I do.”
After a few moments of silence, Mirijana returned with a platter of delicacies and set it on the table, excusing herself with an awkward curtsey. We ate in silence, the only sound being that of our forks against the plates as we consumed our dinner. The room was cold, a desert wind bringing in a chill from the mountains, but there was something comforting about the intimate darkness as I watched Kael pick at her food. I wished she would rail at me more, do something other than stare at me with this icy disdain that reminded me of my childhood. When had her opinion begun to mean so much to me? We finished our meal, the air still heavy with unsaid words between us. I opened my mouth to break the silence, but no sentences formed, and it seemed that Kael was in the same predicament.
She stood, heading toward the bedroom. “You should get some rest. Mirijana said you’re scheduled to fight in the colosseum tomorrow.” She didn’t meet my eye as she told me as if surprising herself with the kindness.
Atar’s hammer, Rhazien couldn’t stop fucking with me.
“I will in a moment.”
She didn’t respond, lifting her eyes to mine before heading into the bedroom on her own. I sighed, dropping my head into my hands. “Only a few more days and all this will be over,” I whispered to myself, sending a prayer to Atar that it was true. Not that Atar answered prayers, though part of me had harbored a secret hope as a child that he’d hear me and come to slaughter Varzorn, Rhazien, my mother, and all the other Elves. But it had never came to pass. He’d disappeared during the Godsfall, the shame of the Elves’ actions too much for him to bear. I understood now how he felt. If I could disappear and wander the world alone without having to face my kin ever again, I’d do it in an instant. I glanced at the bedroom door where Kael waited. Maybe not entirely alone, like Atar.
I stood and went into the bed chamber, finding Kael already waiting for me in bed. Her eyes were like two slashes in the dark, glimmering with emotions that I couldn’t decipher. Her hair shone in the moonlight, emphasizing her curves and making her look more gorgeous than ever. She pressed her lips together in a line as if she was trying to stop herself from arguing further. She may not have wanted me here, but I couldn’t help it. I needed her beside me in bed once again. I didn’t think I could sleep without her anymore.
I crawled into bed next to her, our bodies not touching but close enough that the warmth radiating off of her warmed me. We both lay tensely until sleep finally took us away from each other’s presence and we were lost in different dreams.
Chapter 18
Kael
Thedeafeningroarofthe colosseum filled my ears as Theron led me to the royal viewing box. Warriors clashed with monstrous creatures in the sand below, their weapons glinting in the sun and the scent of blood in the air. The Elven nobles of the high houses were out in full force, adorned in their finest attire, boasting their house colors. Confident in their grandeur, as if the gods had come back to life and were walking amongst us once more. I understood now why they’d waged war against the pantheon because I wanted to tear them apart.
