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For both of us that was the acceptance and unconditional love from our mother.
“But I want to try to trust.”
Ty’s eyes landed on me hard and I fessed up. “I met someone.”
His expression shifted a little so I kept going. “Shit is weird, though.”
“How?”
Men were men. Protectors, providers, and support for the women they loved but they weren’t supposed to be emotional or weak. I usually wasn’t but since meeting Keiris I had been emotional as fuck and that had me conflicted. I felt things for her that were new and all consuming but I couldn’t trust what I was feeling because I barely knew her.
I had been with my ex for almost a year and what I felt for her didn’t even scratch the surface of what I was feeling for Keiris. When my ex drew the line, placed demands about me being open or she was done, I told her this was the best she would ever get from me. She packed her things and left and I didn’t care.
I couldn’t get Keiris out of my fucking head. I wanted to be around her all the damn time and for no reason other than to be around her.
“I was at her house and the minute I walked in I got angry. My muscles locked so tightly it made me feel volatile and the shit didn’t make sense. I wasn’t feeling it but even though I wasn’t, I wanted to be there. The longer I was there, the more I realized why I was so damn angry.”
“Why were you angry? What she do?”
“It’s not what she did, it was just the presence. We lived in the same house all our lives.Shelived there with him for the first eight years of my life but it never felt like a home. Even after she was gone, shit still didn’t feel like a home.”
“Ol’ girl’s house felt like a home.”
“Yeah it did. Had me thinking about shit I never considered before. I wondered how many bedrooms she had because if we had kids they would need space. I thought about whether or not she would have dinner for me, or fuck, if I would have it ready for her when she came home.”
He laughed hard. “Yo’ ass can’t cook.”
“Exactly but I would for her. Shit was weird as fuck, Ty. I wanted all that and I barely know her ass. Then I got pissed again for wanting any of what I was considering because I felt like a pussy for being hopeful. Shit like that doesn’t last.”
“Nah see that’s the part we got fucked up. It lasts when you want it. Our mother just didn’t want it and I hate her for that. I know you do too. So yeah, we’re broken but that’s okay because everybody isn’ther. We just gotta find the women that are gonna help us be whole.”
I glared at my brother and he smiled big as shit. “Don’t look at me like that. That bill from Dr. Tate hits my account religiously every month and I don’t just show up staring at the clock. I listen and learn some shit. You should try it.”
“It’s not for me.”
He shook his head, staring at the door again. “That’s because you let him get in your head. A man is still a man even if he needs help sorting through the shit that clouds his mind.”
“It’s not that…”
He shot me a sideways glance and I grinned. “Sounds like you’re gonna be taking clients soon.”
He smirked and lifted a finger. “Nah, I’m good on the couch not sitting in the chair with the notepad.”
“I’m not so sure.” I chuckled. I hated that he was right. I was a product of my environment. I wasn’t comfortable with embracing my feelings which was why I was so damn conflicted with what I was feeling for Keiris. I wanted to be around her, wanted everything she had to offer, and was also angry because I did. Fear edged into the recesses of my mind that she could do to me what my mother had to my father and us.
Trust. I didn’t know how or if I could trust her.
“Ay, look.” Tynan motioned to the door. I watched as TekNine stepped out of the apartment. He had his hand at his waist as he looked around.
“What car is he in?”
“Accord, over there. It’s hers but he’s been driving it.”
“Let’s go. When you get out, don’t shut your door. Don’t want him looking this way. And safety off. If he blinks hard, you shoot him.”
Tynan grinned. “You act like I need to be told.”
“Just making sure. Let's go.”
