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Cassidy—my Cassidy—was lying in bed, fragile and ashen and surrounded by machines. Jerome was talking again, but I couldn’t hear the words. It felt like I was watching the scene from outside my body. Numb legs propelled me to the chair next to her bed, and there I sat.
I didn’t even hear them leave.
I forced myself to look. I forced myself to see every cut, every bruise, every hurt that had been done to her, even the ones I couldn’t physically see. The ones that were etched on her heart, in the shadows of her face, and I knew they would be with her for a very long time.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say. For the first time in my life, I was confronted with something I couldn’t punch my way through because although the man who was responsible for this was already dead, the evil still remained.
No, that wasn’t true. Because I knew I was also responsible for putting her in that hospital bed, first by loving her and drawing her into my dark world, and then by failing to protect her.
For the longest time I just sat there watching her breathe and listened to the steadyblip-blip-blipof her heartbeat on the monitor.
Cassidy. My brave, brave girl. How hard she’d had to fight. What she’d had to do to save her own life—god, what she’d had to do just to escape the handcuffs. So strong, to keep fighting in the face of all that horror.
I felt a strange, misplaced pride for her, and somehow, that made me feel even worse.
My eyes drifted down to her belly. Of course, it was far too early for her to be showing, but I imagined the wonderful secret that was sheltered there. Our child.
I wondered if she knew.
Hesitantly, I reached out and touched her outstretched fingers, my own holding remarkably steady. Hers were cold. I took her hand in both of mine trying to warm it up and soothe that one spot—the only one I wasn't afraid to touch.
“I’m here, CASSIDY. I’m here and you’re safe.” I swallowed thickly. “I love you so much. So much that the words don’t seem like they’re enough. So much that I feel like…”
I squeezed my eyes shut, the muscle ticking away in my jaw as I bit back the tears.
“I’m sorry, love. I’m so, so sorry I didn’t do enough. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you, didn’t keep my promise. I’m so…s-so…” My voice trailed off. It wasn’t any use. Words just didn’t cut it.
The first raged sob bubbled up, and this time I didn’t try to stop it.
32
Cassidy
ThefirsttimeIwoke up, I was back in the basement.
My wrists throbbed where the cuffs bit into them, arms too heavy to lift. Blood rushed in my ears, threatening to cleave my skull in two if I so much as cracked an eyelid. The sheets were scratchy, and the room smelled of disinfectant and blood.
“…no, no, no…”
The words sat heavy in my mouth. They felt wrong, loose and spilling out in a tumble. He must have drugged me again. I had fought him too hard and now he had drugged me, and—
Gotta fight. Gotta survive. He’s coming back. He’s coming back, and when he does—
“Cassidy, it’s okay. It’s okay, I’m here, you’re safe.”
Fingers caressed my cheek, and I flinched away in horror, heart racing as I struggled to sit up.
“No, love, you’re hurt. You can’t get up yet.”
Warm, strong hands gently guiding me back down onto the bed. Hands I knew well, but in my panic they felt like a lie. I thrashed against them, crying out as pain exploded in my wrist and side.
“Cass, it’s me! It’s Connor. You’re safe, you’re—” His voice broke. “Please, just calm down.”
Another lie. Connor wasn’t here, he was just a voice in my head. In my blind terror, I could feel Teagan's hands on me again, leaving a fiery trail of pain in their wake.
Alarms were blaring, a fast and frantic beeping as more voices were added to the mix. More hands, holding me down.
“Cass, stop! Please, you're gonna hurt yourself.”
