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So my good shirt’s in the wash and now I’m in a T-shirt that Jonathan gave me. It’s got the wordIand then a picture of a heart and then the wordBlackpooland then a cartoon seagull. It’s probably the least Jonathan thing I could have imagined, other than the house he lives in, but since he’s in a snit about not being able to work his own washing machine, he wasn’t very keen to give me its backstory. He sorted me out a towel and toothbrush as well, so I’m pretty took care of, all things considered. I mean, I’m still living with my boss and I’ve somehow backed my way into full-on pretending to have amnesia, and I might still technically be fired, but my dad always used to say you’ve got to look on the bright side because no one else will look on it for you. He might have been talking out of his arse, but it worked for him.
Jonathan, meanwhile, has fucked off to his study where he’s been on the phone for an hour. I don’t know who exactly he’s talking to, but I’d put money on one of those calls being the lawyer again. As for me, I sneak into the bathroom—well, one of the bathrooms, he’s got at least three—and turn on all the taps like I’m in a spy movie. Then I ring Claire.
It doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence that her first words are “Are we fired yet?”
“Not exactly,” I whisper.
“Why are you whispering?” yells Claire.
“Because I don’t want Jonathan to hear me. I’m in his house. In his bathroom.”
“Oh my God. Are you actually trying to get him to sexually harass you?”
“No. Firstly, like I said, I wouldn’t. Secondly, he thinks I’ve got amnesia.”
Claire’s quiet for a moment, then she says: “I’m sorry, you might have to speak up because for a moment it sounded like you saidhe thinks I’ve got amnesia.”
“He does.”
“How?”
If I knew that, I’d probably be in a much better position. “It just sort of happened. He knocked me into a shower, and I got a crack on the head from a Nexa by MERLYN 8mm Sliding Door enclosure, and the next thing I know I’m at A&E and the doctor’s sayingthere might be some memory lossand I’m asking Jonathan who he is—as a joke like because he’s coming on all fake nice—and he’s sayingoh no, he’s got amnesiaand I don’t want to correct him because if I do then I’m probably fired and if I’m fired then Tiff and Brian are fired—”
“Why would you be fired becauseheknockedyouinto a shower?”
“He was firing meashe knocked me into a shower.” Okay, he didn’tknock meexactly, I more sort oftripped while he was nearby, but that’s a detail for another time. “And while I’m not sureexactlywhat Jonathan’s religious beliefs are,thou shalt not do takesie backsiesis probably on his personal list of commandments.”
“So you decided to tell him you had amnesia?”
“To let him think I’ve got amnesia. I don’t think I’ve actually said the wordsI’ve got amnesia. I’ve just said I, y’know, don’tremember much. Which at the time I didn’t because, I repeat, he knocked me into a fucking shower.”
She’s quiet again.
“Claire? You still there?”
“What? Oh, yes I’m still here. I’m just running through all the ways that this could go horribly wrong.”
“To be fair, it was going horribly wrong already. Did I not mention the he-was-going-to-fire-me part of the story?”
She sighs. “So do you have an actual plan now?”
“I’ve got an actual concussion now. The plan might have to come later. What I’m hoping is that if I stick around for a few days, I can get better and he can cool down and we can see where it goes from there. Also, I guess…I guess I’m maybe hoping he’ll get to like me a bit and that might give me, y’know, influence like.”
“Whatsortof influence?” asks Claire. It seems as though she’s not quite sold on my brilliance here.
“Just, y’know, general sort of influence. Like if he gets to see me as a human being, gets to see how much yez all mean to me—how important we are to each other—”
“Are we reallyimportantto each other?” Claire’s tone is trending impatient. “I mean I like Tiff and Brian as much as anybody but…”
“Yes, yes.” I reckon I’m not doing so well tone-wise myself. “You care more about your job than you do about theirs. I get it. I just mean if he starts to think of us as people instead of boxes on a spreadsheet, he might not want to fire anybody.”
For a while, Claire is silent. Then at last she says, “That doesn’t sound like verymuchof a plan.”
“Well.” I try to be lighthearted. “I’m in his house now so in a pinch I can still kill him with a toilet seat if I have to.”
“You realise he’s going to do way worse than fire you when he figures out you don’t have amnesia.”
I sit on the edge of the Duravit Starck Two Backrest Slope Rectangular Bath With Combi System—I’ll say this for Jonathan Forest, he really doesn’t sell a single thing he wouldn’t use himself. “I don’t think he’ll be able to tell. Memory is peculiar. Worst comes to absolute worst, I’ll just arrange to get whacked on the head again and say that’s brought everything back.”
