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“So, now what?” she asked, and I didn’t have an answer for that either.
“I know you want to settle down Reyna, and I know you want to have kids. I just don’t know if I will ever change my mind on that subject and I don’t want to waste your time,” I responded. Why was I saying things that my heart didn't mean?
“God, it really can’t be that difficult,” Reyna said with a sigh of frustration. “How did we get here?” She released another deeper sigh of frustration. I understood her questioning. I was difficult to deal with sometimes.
But, at this moment, I knew what I had to do.
“Reyna, I’m sorry,” I said as I took her hand in mine. I took a deep breath and paused. “I do love you.” I looked deep into her eyes and I could tell that she wanted to believe me.
“Then why won’t you commit to me?” she asked as she searched my face for answers.
“I’m scared,” I replied honestly. “I’ve been hurt before and I don’t want to get hurt again. But I don’t want to lose you either.” I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I made my confession.
“I understand,” Reyna said softly. “But I can’t keep waiting for you to figure things out. I need to know if we’re moving forward or if we’re staying strictly business with benefits.”
The weight of her words hung heavily in the air. Neither of us said anything for what felt like an eternity, but I knew I had to respond eventually. I looked into Reyna’s eyes and saw a mixture of sadness and hope, and I knew that if I didn’t say something, our relationship would be over for good.
“Reyna, please don’t leave me,” I said, hoping that she could see the sincerity in my words.
She looked at me for a few moments before finally responding.
“Bryce, I need more than just words. I need action. I need to know that you’re all in.” Then, tears started streaming down her face as she waited for my response.
I knew that if I wanted to keep her in my life, I had to show her that I was willing to do whatever it took. I had to prove my love to her, not only in words but also in deeds. Taking a deep breath, I made my decision.
“I’m all in,” I said without hesitation. “I’m sorry for being so difficult, but I don’t want to lose you. I love you.” Reyna’s face lit up with joy and relief as she threw her arms around me.
“I love you, too,” she whispered into my ear.
I did love her. What I wasn’t sure was if it was enough. I didn’t want marriage, and I didn’t want kids, but I chose to believe that if Reyna experienced my love, it would be enough for her. I knew both of us were hoping that the other would change their mind and I knew it could potentially end in another heartbreak for both of us when it didn’t happen. But enough of the what ifs. We just needed a chance.
I joined her again on the couch and put my arms around her. We sat in silence watching the TV and even though we had just confessed our love for each other, there was still a cloud of doubt hovering above us. We both could feel it. She was right, words were never enough, but for now, that’s all we had.
As the night went on, the tension between us only grew. I could feel Reyna's eyes on me, silently begging me to say or do something that would solidify my commitment to her. I didn't want to disappoint her, but at the same time, I couldn't force myself to change my mind about marriage and kids. It wasn't fair to either of us. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, I spoke up.
"Reyna, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I have to be honest with you. I can't promise you marriage and I can't promise you kids. That's not who I am. But I can promise you that I love you with all my heart and I will do everything in my power to make you happy."
Reyna's face fell, and I knew I had just shattered her hopes.
"But Bryce, I don't know if I can live without those things. I want a family, a future with you. What are we going to do?" I took her hands in mine, trying to convey as much love and understanding as possible. Reyna and I had been together for a few months, and with each passing day, our love only grew stronger. She was the light of my life, and I was desperately devoted to her. That's why, when she asked me if I saw a future for us together, my heart sank. I knew the truth, and it was worse than anything I could have ever imagined. Despite her kind words and gentle nature, I could tell the words I had to say would break her.
"Reyna, I don't have all the answers right now," I said slowly, searching for the right words. "But I do know one thing for sure: I love you, and I'm never going to leave you. We'll figure out how to make things work for us, day by day. We'll do it together."
I looked into her eyes, trying to show her my sincerity. I saw the disappointment mixed with hope in her expression, and I gently squeezed her hands in mine. A small smile crept across her face, and I knew that, together, we could make it through anything. For a moment, there was hope in her eyes and in my heart. But then she looked away, and I knew that she wasn't convinced. I hated myself for hurting her, for not being enough for her.
But I knew deep down that I couldn't change who I was. All I could do was love her and hope that she would eventually come to accept my position when it came to marriage and kids. The rest of the night went by in a blur. Despite my efforts to make her feel loved and wanted, Reyna remained somber and distant. I knew that she was hurting, and it pained me to see her like this.
"Bryce, I need some time to think. Even though I love you, I don't know if I can keep hoping for something that may never happen." Her voice was soft, but the pain in her eyes was unmistakable. I felt a lump form in my throat as I realized what she was saying.
"Reyna, please don't give up on us. We can find a way to make this work."
"I know, Bryce. But I need some time to figure things out. I hope you understand." With that, she leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips. There it was again. The disappointment and rejection. It hurt and even though I remained with a straight face, I was in shambles inside. I didn’t want to lose her, nor did I want her to set a boundary where we would have to keep it strictly business. It seemed like it was a matter of time till she told me that’s how things were going to be between us.
I watched as Reyna stood up from the couch and grabbed her jacket.
"Where are you going?" I asked, hoping that she would change her mind.
"I need to be alone, Bryce. Please understand. I’m just going to get some air outside and I’ll be back." Without another word, she walked out of the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
