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I knew that I had to do something to make things right with Reyna. I couldn't let this be the end of us. But what could I do? How could I change who I was? As much as I wanted to give her everything she wanted, I couldn't change the fact that I didn't want kids. It was a part of who I was, and I couldn't ignore it.
Chapter 23
Reyna
Iwaswalkingaroundthe pool, my feet crunching the gravel beneath them when the dam behind my eyes broke again. My tears made a soft patter as they fell onto the dusty ground, marking a trail behind me.
I had just received confirmation of what I had long suspected – Bryce loved me. His confession had been so simple, but it had been the missing piece of the puzzle and it gave me the answers that I had been looking for.
But it didn't bring me the tangible relief that I had hoped. Knowing that Bryce loved me meant that I was no longer in the dark, but it also meant that I was closer than ever to the end. It meant that eventually, I would have to say goodbye to him, and that thought filled me with a feeling of deep sorrow.
I sucked in a breath and wiped away the tears with the back of my hand. I had known all along that this moment would come, but now that it was here, I was finding it hard to accept. I wanted to keep walking, to try to make sense of my swirling thoughts, and so I continued on my path, my feet carrying me away from the one thing I wanted most. I had a dream of having a family ever since I was small that included everything. A houseful of laughter, big Saturday breakfasts, and long Sunday naps. At first, I thought this dream would come to fruition with me and Bryce, but with each passing day, I could feel his resistance to the idea of children growing more resolute.
I knew I needed to be patient, but my heart ached for a family. I wanted what my parents had, a house full of love and children. I was only twenty-five, but I felt like my time was limited and that I should seize the opportunity while I had it.
I sat, frozen, on the edge of the lounge chair, hands clasped together in a tight knot as I tried to make sense of the situation. Bryce had been so adamant that he didn’t want family life or marriage. It seemed like all he wanted was my companionship and nothing more, but I wanted to live for a bigger purpose than just a career and companionship. I found it difficult to accept that things could ever go back to the way they were before we had fallen in love.
The thought of just having a relationship with nothing but career goals to share seemed pretty pointless to me. I longed for more, but I knew I couldn't have it. There was a painful lump in my throat and tears threatened to fall again from my eyes.
But I had to make a decision. We could do what we originally intended to do and keep things strictly business. We pretend to our hearts' content and carry on like a love-struck couple. Or, we have a real relationship and I hope that he changes his mind. Or… we have a real relationship and I give up everything I've ever wanted.
None of those options felt good.
It was so ironic, too. We were pretending to be happy, and we really were, but since we really wanted to be together, we found out more about each other and now, it doesn't match. So, as much as a real relationship is something we really want, maybe it's something that can't ever work. So how do you fake a relationship when all it does is point out what's not working?
All of this was making me more and more confused. And more sad.
Maybe some time alone would help me figure things out. As I sat there, lost in thought, I heard footsteps approaching. I looked up to see Bryce walking toward me.
"Reyna, I'm sorry. We just need to talk some more. This kid issue – does it have to be a thing right now? Just because we think we know what we want now, it doesn't mean that it's what we'll always want." Bryce's voice was soft and apologetic.
"I know," I said, my voice shaking. "But I know, deep inside me, that I want kids, Bryce. It's something that I've always wanted."
He sat down beside me and rested his forearms on his legs as he let his head hang down. "I know," he sighed. "And I know this seems like a big sticking point right now, but it's not something that I think we should make a call on right now. there are so many things that we don't have control over. Whatever happens, I know we could have a great life together."
"But Bryce, a good life means a family to me. Kids and potentially a few. I don't want to just be a career woman, or a wife, or just work until we die. I want to have a living legacy and feel like I'm contributing to something bigger than myself."
"And at this point, I can't see past not wanting children. It's just never been anything I've thought about. All I know is that I love you more than anything else in this world."
I looked at him and felt the tears start to well up in my eyes again. "I love you too, Bryce. But love isn't always enough."
Bryce took my hand in his. "It is. It's still early days. I know we've been on an accelerated time scale, but if we love each other, we will find a way."
I knew what I had to do. I looked into Bryce's eyes and felt that same deep love I had for him since the time at the cabin. But I also felt a twinge of fear - fear of the unknown, of the uncertainty that lay ahead.
I smiled weakly, grateful for his words but unsure of what the future held for us. All I knew was that at that moment, I couldn't bear the thought of losing him. I leaned in and kissed him deeply, feeling his arms wrap around me in response. As we broke away from the kiss, I knew what had to be done.
"Bryce, I need some time alone to think about everything. I need to figure out what I want and whether I can accept a relationship that might mean I have to give up everything I've ever wanted."
The words were out of my mouth before I had a chance to reconsider them. But now that they were spoken, I knew there was no going back. I could see the pain in his eyes, and I wanted to take it away, but I also knew that I had to keep a level head and really figure this out.
He stepped away, his arms dropping from my waist. He looked away, his eyes downcast, bruises now forming on his tender heart.
"Take all the time you need," he said, not looking at me. "I'll wait for you, no matter what happens."
I watched Bryce walk away, my heart aching with an unfamiliar sensation of sadness and uncertainty. He had been my best friend for the past few weeks, providing a sense of comfort and stability that I had come to count on. The thought of being left alone was at once both horrifying and yet strangely appealing.
I needed time to myself to process all that had happened and figure out what direction I wanted to take my life in. When he was around, I seemed to lose my ability to have rational thought.
