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“Deliberately shutting me out.”
Was I? Perhaps I was. But it was for his own good. Since my ruse in the Court of Love had been revealed, his entire life had been thrown into turmoil. I was his toxic trait.
“You forget, I see you,” Arin went on. He leaned against the wall, making sure I had to see him. “I know exactly what this is.”
“If you know me so well, then tell me what I’m doing.”
He offered me a palmful of berries. Draven had caught and skinned some critters too, but Justice’s lands were bitter and harsh. We’d need to find a proper town soon, fill our bellies, get fresh clothes. Although, I feared I might never shake Justice’s chill. I shook my head, and he popped a few berries into his mouth.
“In that handsome head of yours, you’re blaming yourself for everything,” he said, after eating.
“It’s not blame when it’s fact.”
He huffed a silent laugh, but there was no humor in it. “I can’t keep doing this with you, Lark. I tell you you’re not to blame, but you don’t believe it.”
“Because you’re wrong.” It was out as a reflex, before I had a chance to think. Arin’s soft smile faded away beneath his hurt.
“I wish you’d talk to me.”
“We’re talking.”
“No, not like this. You know what this is?” He leaned closer. “This is usbefore. This is me, as the prince behind the door, and you, out there, doing your utmost to pretend everything is a fantasy. You’re being shallow and hurtful because you’re afraid. If there was a horse and carriage here, you’d shove me on it and lock the door.”
He was right. I pulled a face but didn’t deny anything.
“You see!” He flung a berry at my chest. It bounced off and hit the floor. “Do you not see how wrong that is?”
“Why is wanting to save you so wrong?”
He laughed again. “I can’t do this with you over and over, Lark. You know my feelings, you know I’ll do anything for you, but when you push me away every time something goes wrong, it’s exhausting.”
Noemi and Draven had fallen silent, probably because we’d grown loud. We were all tired, hungry, and cold, but this was something more. His weariness went soul-deep—weariness for me.
“Then don’t.” Once more, the words were out, like the lash of a whip I couldn’t take back. It felt good, knowing they hurt him, seeing him wince, pushing him away. It felt good because Iwassaving him. If the stubborn fool would just let me save him. But that wasn’t Arin. He’d argue, he’d fight, and he’d come right back around again… Although, from the saddened look on his face, perhaps this time he wouldn’t come back.
He slumped against the wall. “I want to love you, I do love you, but you have to let me in, Lark. I can’t love you alone.”
Two sides of the same coin. Pain and love. “Let you in? What do you think is inside me that’s so worth seeing? The man his brother fucked for much of his adult life? The man who brought down the Court of Love? Who could have saved your mother and didn’t because he was far too occupied with a future betrayal? A man who at every key point in Razak’s grandiose plan has been absolutely pivotal to his success?” Noemi and Draven both stared now. Good. Let them hear this too. “Draven had a son to protect. He was driven to help Razak because he had no choice. I had a choice, and I broke that seal beneath Justice. I did that.” Arin’s eyes widened. I couldn’t stop now; he had to know everything. “I was there, Arin. I took Pain’s crown right to it, and with the other crowns so close, it was enough. My brother came for me, and I let him. When he placed Umair’s crown on his head and lashed out like a whip, it was me he attacked first. I nearly lost myself to him. How do you think I was so able to mimic being empty? I let him in, and the worst of it is, I’ll always let him in. He knows it. He’ll hurt me, and I’ll beg for more. I’m your weakness. And he is mine. I do not deserve your friendship, or your love. I’m nothing, yet people keep dying for me. I won’t let that happen to you. So no, Arin, let’snotdo this, whatever it is. Because we all know how this story ends, and the villain does not win the hero’s heart.”
Arin frowned. “I will not fight for us alone.”
Good.
“Then don’t fight for us at all.”
He was meant for so much more, like a prophesized knight from a sweeping tale of love conquering all. But he couldn’t be that person with me dragging him down. This was clearly the only sensible way to proceed—taking his love out of it. And mine.
I bowed my head and caught Draven’s disapproving glare in the corner of my eye. He could glare all he liked. I was doing this for all of them. Better for me to be alone than have Razak rip out their souls.
CHAPTER38
Arin
I dreamedof Lark playing his fiddle on the clifftop again, but this time when I called his name, he stopped playing, turned his head, and tipped over the edge of the cliff to spite me. I woke spluttering in the dark and listened to the unfamiliar sounds of people clattering and talking a floor below. We’d found an inn, and Noemi had used her position as a member of Justice’s Court to secure lodgings.
Damn Lark.
I’d meant what I’d told him. I wasn’t fighting for us alone. If he wanted to walk away, so be it. I wasn’t going to stop him, not anymore. I loved him. We both knew it. But he either didn’t believe me or didn’t believe he deserved to be loved. I couldn’t watch him tear himself apart and had no idea how to help him when he pushed me away.
