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The two of them were so similar that sometimes it felt like I was talking to the same person.
Which reminds me: ever since I got back and started seeing Ethan again, there was no single sign of his clumsiness.. The maturity…wait….the familiarity with how Ian touched me. Sure Ethan was gentle and Ian was savage, but still, everything else - his length, the smell, his voice - everything sounded so similar.
Wait a minute…last year when he asked me to go on a date with Ben, did his voice also sound so light. Didn't he have a playful yet thick voice? Did it change within the year? Why all these questions…
"Is everything alright, Natasha?" Ian asked snapping me out of the funk I was in.
"Hmm? Yeah, everything is fine," I replied. "I guess my mind is just so full right now."
"Is it my fault? I'm sorry about last night, I kinda forced it on you," he apologized.
"Don't even apologize," I insisted. "That was the best night ever."
"Are you serious?" he asked with an amused smile on his face.
"It was different, dangerous, frustrating, don't do it again," I replied.
"Right, I won't," he said with a smirk.
He'd definitely do it again if I let my guard down. To be honest, I had the urge to let down my guard again.
"Thank you for yesterday," he said. "It was nice to have someone to hang out with outside that isn't a family member."
"You don't have friends?" I asked.
"You don't seem like the kind of person who has any either," he said.
"I actually do. Just one, her name's Rachel," I replied.
"Lucky," he sighed. "With the impression people have of me, it's kind of hard to actually find someone that would be comfortable enough with me to do things like go to carnivals or share cookies."
His shoulders dropped as he stirred his coffee with a sad smile attached to his face. In a way, I understood his pain.
"I remember in med school because of how my parents raised me that I tended to look down on people who weren't in my class," I said. "It was okay at first, but with time, everyone started to avoid me. I was fine at first, but I met Ethan and everyone from different walks of life just seemed to gravitate towards him. Before I knew it, I wanted to be like him…or switch positions. I started to…"
"Envy him," he completed my statement.
I wanted to say admire, but envy?
"You seem confused, so I'll explain," he said. "You grew up with a golden spoon and so did he. The similarities are there, but in a way, he was allowed to do what he wanted and you weren't. At first you admired it, but with time…"
"I got jealous," I confessed.
He wasn't wrong. I forced the image of being in love with Ethan for so long that I didn't even realise that I wasn't really in love with him. I just envied him. Then why did my heart pound when I met him in Glen Allen?
If I wasn't in love with him, why did I start to long for him?
He was the same person in med school.
The same person I kissed.
The same person I made love with.
Right?
Is it possible to envy the person I was in love with? What about Ian? Just thinking about him, rather than the envy or admiration I felt when I looked at Ethan, I sensed a kindred spirit. The same spirit I sensed when I was also with Ethan. Is that even possible?
"Don't think too much about it, you don't want to cause wrinkles," he warned. "That reminds me, what are you going to do about your routine?"
