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He narrowed his eyes. “What’s that? You’re attempting a peace offering?”
Leave it to him to be direct.
“Maybe. Or maybe less of a peace offering and more of a conversation starter.”
He flicked his cowboy hat back with his knuckle. “And what conversation do we still need to have, Frankie?”
“I want to start over.”
“How far back do you want to go?”
“Just last night before... Before I said what I did about Chad.”
“And forget it ever happened?”
“No. No. More like approach it from a different angle. You’re right. Things are different. You don’t need me anymore. You don’t need to keep me around. And the truth is, I’m attracted to you. And if I don’t... If I don’t do something about this, I don’t know that I am ever going to be able to have a functional relationship. I don’t actually want to be hung up on you for the rest of my life.”
Okay, she had clearly gotten ahead of herself again. And he had that hit with a hammer look.
“What exactly are you asking me?”
“I have yet to meet a man who, in the flesh, can live up to the fantasies that I have of you. And I think I need to know if you’re disappointing, or if... I think you might be the key.”
“The key to what?”
“Me being able to have an orgasm with a man. I really want to. I do understand that this is impossible. I do. We are not in the same place in life, and I actually do get that I’m younger than you, and you’ve been through things that I can’t even imagine. I don’t know why you would be interested in me.”
“Back up,” he said. “You don’t know why I would be interested in you?”
“No. Because you’re...together. And stable. And yes, I am lobbying for you to see me as a grown-up. An adult. But I’m not like the level of adult that you are. I’m sort of experiencing the first major disruption of my life and trying to figure out who I am on the other side of it. But like I said, fantasies of you are better, hotter, than anything I’ve experienced with another person. And... Basically what I’m saying is, will you please teach me how to have good sex? Before you throw me out of the nest?”
“This is the most fucked up thing anyone has ever asked me to do.”
She cringed. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I can hear myself, actually. And I feel a little bit bad about it. But not bad enough to not ask.”
“Frankie,” he said. “You are young and beautiful, and you don’t have the messed-up shit that I do. I don’t think you want what I have to give. I don’t think that I’m a good candidate for this.”
“Why not?”
He closed his eyes and let his head fall back. The sound he made was halfway between a groan and a sigh. A surrender. Then he looked at her. “I haven’t had sex since Anna died.”
She had not been expecting that. She felt like she’d been hit with a brick. Actually, she understood that look on Walker’s face a little bit better now.
“What?”
“There wasn’t time at first. And I felt like I couldn’t. Like I shouldn’t have anyone else.”
Her chest felt frozen. He had loved her that much. So much that there hadn’t been another woman since. She was the luckiest woman, and then she had died. It was unfair, really. She had the two best kids, and the most amazing husband, and she lost it. And they’d lost her.
The breath of the tragedy almost took her breath away.
“Walker... I’m sorry.”
“So yeah. For a while, it felt impossible because of that. And then it just felt like it was impossible because I had to take care of the boys. And I was never going to ask you to stay overnight so that I could... And the boys were old enough. But at that point, it’s a conversation. At that point, I’m the guy who hasn’t been with anyone since his wife died. I’m the guy who’s only been with one woman. And that’s a conversation I don’t want to have with just anyone.”
“You just had it with me,” she said, her heart feeling tender. Bruised. This wasn’t actually what she wanted. To feel things. Because she did have feelings for him, more intense feelings then she would like. Because she wanted to believe that they were proximity-based, and that they would go away. But this was pushing her. Testing her.
“We should just forget this happened.”
