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The perfectly shaped and beautiful lady arrives, I feel nothing, even as she takes off all her clothes and stands before me in her birthday suit. Nothing, no emotions, nothing. My dick won’t even stand at the sight of a naked woman.
She moves to touch my body, and I instinctively, knock her hands off, startling her, the only woman allowed to touch me and see my scars is Jade. I can tell the woman is scared and wants to leave, rather than letting her leave, I unzip my pants and take my dick out. She gets on her knees and starts to suck me. She sucks till I come all over my pants. Then I look at her in disgust, she shrivels to a corner pulling the bedroom sheet to cover herself.
“It’s not you, it’s me. I have personal issues. I’m sorry” That seems to bring her some reprieve from my earlier look.
She dresses and leaves with double the pay. It’s not her fault, I’m miserable. I don’t need to belittle others. I soon realized two things. I don’t want any woman’s touch and don’t want to see their faces. I ordered a masquerade mask for myself and the women. They must come in wearing masks.
Chloe’s services became my outlet. I didn’t get into any relationship. I club with Raheem more than usual. I become a regular visitor at ‘the house’, everyone notices I’m back alone, but none dare to say a word. I come alone and leave alone.
No woman wants a relationship with me. If they thought I was reckless before, I’ve now added ruthlessness to my personality. All because the woman I love left. It seems trivial that I would become this way because one woman left me but it’s more consequential than most realize.
JADE
Daysrollintoweeks;I soon start to experience the symptoms of pregnancy. I once heard a lady say, the first trimester is an ass-kicker, now I know why because I experience every symptom. Aunty Lara continues to be by my side. To keep my learnt skills up I started freelancing online taking small jobs. I couldn’t take a full-time job with the way pregnancy was kicking my butt.
I still talk to my baby every day and tell my child stories of my childhood. It’s silly but I do it anyway.
I avoid telling Tito the truth about my mental and physical state. She can sense something is off with me, she’s upset with me. I’m upset with myself too. I can’t tell her about my pregnancy yet. Not now at least.
She tells me Naseer came by her place and keeps calling, I plead with her not to tell him anything. That in time I’ll tell her the truth. I asked her to be careful, I won’t put it past Naseer to stalk her.
By my second trimester, I started to feel better and started receiving more work which helped my mind to focus on other things and my heart to remain numb. When your heart shatters as badly as mine did, you skip all the symptoms and just go numb.
My heart is numb. My body and mind stay laser-focused on my child and work, and with that, I can function.
By the second trimester, Aunty Lara and I visited the doctor’s office. I’m excited to tell Dr Babs, that I’m feeling better and scaled the fence into the second trimester. She smiles at me as I chat away about my experience, aunty Lara joins in my excitement until we notice the look on Dr Babs's face. My mind switches in a flash to fear.
“What’s wrong doctor, please tell me, is something wrong with my baby?” I ask, trembling while thinking that my baby is in trouble. This can’t be happening.
“Babies Mariam, you have babies not babies.” she casually says.
“Babies. Babies. Babies. I repeat like I couldn’t comprehend the word, truthfully, I can’t. I repeat “babies, babies, babies” repeatedly.
“You’re having twins Mariam, now we know why your first trimester was an ass-kicker.” she chuckles repeating my exact works back to me with a wink.
“I can’t have twins!” I frantically shouted, turning to her and Aunty Lara as soon as I found my tongue and finally comprehended the gravity of what she had just said to me.
“You can do this Mariam. I know you can.” Dr Babs says patting my hand.
“Yes, you can have twins Jade.” Aunty Lara squeezed my hand, agreeing with Dr Babs.
“I can’t, I really can’t. Is it too late to have an abortion or can you remove one child, please doctor?” I cry out.
“I can’t remove a healthy baby and I understand you’re young and frightened, I strongly believe you can deliver twins.” I shake my head; my mind is free-falling into an endless tunnel. Aunty Lara pulls me into a hug as the doctor, puts all the devices away. She prints out the sonogram picture and I see the two humans inside me. If only the little humans knew they had just thrown me a curveball. I want to scream, kick, and fight.
I left the clinic in a confused state. Wondering when the tide changed, that I didn’t notice. I should’ve broken up with Naseer a while ago and stood my ground. At twenty-two the plan was to be working, having fun, travelling the world, and dating guys for fun. I didn’t get any of that.
I’m now hiding from the man l love, with his children, no single life, no fun just a messed-up body and possibly messed up life. Why, I ask myself as I’ve done many lonely nights.
Why didn’t I walk away when he asked me to sit with him?
What force held my step that faithful afternoon? so that I didn’t ignore his request. I wouldn’t be here if I’d just walked out of that room after using the bathroom.
There wouldn’t have been a clandestine affair. My focus would have been on James and right now we would’ve been living it up but I’m pregnant at fucking twenty-one with twins and running from the man I love because I took money to walk away from him. Talk about derailed plans.
Aunty Lara dropped me at home saying she had to run an errand. I’m dazed. I just nod. In my room, my mind is an endless wanderer. One child, I’d planned every step and how to manage our lives but two. There’s no plan for two. Here goes life reminding me it’s never tidy or having best-laid plans for life is a joke because real life always throws you a curve ball. Now I either sink or swim. Maybe, just maybe, I can float for a while.
I’m still staring at the ceiling when Aunty Lara returns. I’ve no idea how long I’d sat gazing at the ceiling.
