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“Jade” she calls, and I turn to her with a blank face. “You’re not alone. Your uncle and I will be with you all the way. When the twins arrive, we will get help. “You’re not alone.” I nodded and remained quiet.
The words “You’re not alone” kept playing in my mind over and over. It took a few days, but slowly the words began to sink in, and I gradually got in line with my new reality.
Towards the end of my second trimester, Aunty Lara said my biological father would like to come and visit. At first, I wanted to say no. Why would he want to meet a knocked-up daughter with no husband? Aunty Lara said it would be fine.
Despite how uncomfortable and tired I felt. I did my best to look presentable. On the day they showed up. It is a struggle to dress these days, but I did it anyway.
When I heard his arrival, I felt blood rush through me, a new craving for acceptance. I stepped into the living room and was surprised to see three men. I can tell the older man is my father. I notice a few features. The other two men look like him but younger. They all got to their feet when I stepped into the living room.
The smile on my father’s face is wide. I’d expected something but not a Cheshire cat smile. He looks very happy to see me, making me smile back. “Peter, this is your daughter Mariam Jadesola Bankole.”
He spreads his arm for a hug, and I embrace him. Weirdly, I feel comforted. “I’m so happy to finally meet you” he whispers in my ears. “You are my beautiful daughter, in whom, I’m well pleased to meet.” His words bring tears to my eyes.I’m accepted, I’m not alone.We pull from the hug, and he continues to look at me. The taller of the two men reach for a hug as well.
“I’m Paul your oldest brother.”
“Nice to meet you, Paul.” He holds me a little longer before pulling away and I get a hug from the next man.
“I’m Philip your older brother.”
“Nice to meet you, Philip.” I watch all three men closely; my emotions are scattered. I’m happy to see them and at the same time sad about how my journey has led to meeting them. If my parents don’t die or I don’t get knocked up. They wouldn’t be here. I now accept that life is giving me. A family again.
We all take a seat. My dad is all smiles. “Mariam, your brothers wanted to meet you as well is the reason, I haven’t come sooner” I nod.
“How are you doing with the pregnancy, is it going okay?” He looks happy and concerned at the same time.
“As okay as possible, I’m expecting twins.”
“Twins!!!” they all echoed “That’s wonderful news” Paul and Philip are fist bumping. All reactions I didn’t expect.
We soon get to talk more about ourselves. My dad is thrilled to hear I graduated top of my class in software engineering. My oldest brother Paul studied communication and works for a TV Network. Philip is a Dentist with his practice. They are both single. Their mom died giving birth to Philip. They were raised by Dad and Grandma, who can’t travel but would like to meet me.
We talk at length and laugh a lot. Paul is the funny one and keeps us laughing. A few times my dad gives him a gentle smack in the head. I realized it would have been fun growing up with them. I certainly had a great childhood, but I missed not having siblings. Now I have two older brothers.
I feel comfortable with them. The babies start to kick. My dad asked if he could feel them. I nod and his face beams with pride and joy. His eyes are teary. His looks of joy at seeing me calmed my fear. I realized that calling him dad though strung in my heart, flows easily from my lips.
Dad soon suggests we give my grandmother a call on Skype. We set up the computer and I saw the family matriarch. I see her strength and an older version of myself. She’s the one I look like. Yes, my skin is darker and I’m much younger, but the resemblance is uncanny. Finally, the truth of who I am is revealed.
My grandmother, like my father, is beaming with joy to see me. She is excited to be a great grandma. She tells me, she’s not going anywhere until she’s held and kissed my babies. Once again, I’m reminded that:
I’m worthy.
I’m accepted.
I’m not alone.
My brothers and father spent the day with us. When they finally left, I said to Aunty Lara “I’m going to hyphenate my last name to Bankole-Diaz.” She looks at me, surprised, and gives me a big hug. I’m Mariam Jadesola Bankole-Diaz. An Afro-Latina woman and a single mother of twins.
My children will be Bankole-Diaz. They will be loved and accepted.
It is like a stained veil covering my life is removed and I can see clearly where I need to be, what I need to do, and who I am. Finally, life explains to me why I don’t need tidy.
The next few months aren’t as easy as I’d hope they would be. If anything, they were the toughest in my life. As the babies grew, I became very uncomfortable. I couldn’t do anything. I was in a lot of pain. Twins are never full term but with the amount of pain I was in. Dr Babs had to do an emergency c-section to save all three of us.
When my babies arrived at 32 weeks so fragile. I couldn’t hold them because they were preemies and needed to be in an incubator to gain some weight. I spent weeks watching them. I didn’t want to believe that either of them would not make it.
I fear the worst, falling apart right now isn’t an option if they are breathing. It will take weeks but they both made it home.
Once I finally held my son and daughter home. I named them Micah and Mira. Micah is a duplicate of Naseer and Mira is a duplicate of Taimani just my freaking luck. I realize Naseer will never get to hold them, and I feel sad for him. They are mine now and will remain mine.
